the silence is too thick for my breath to penetrate

i felt like such a groupie last night. is it possible to talk to the bands and not feel like that? i don't know. but it was fun. for the first time i actually met the muckruckers, and they're all kind of asses except doug. he's a lot of fun to hang out with. i don't know who was runing my body, but it wasn't me. i was so into everything, and entirely unashamed. front of the floor, right in front of nick, his mic kept running away so i'd reach out and fix it...even tough i didn't know any of them i wasn't silent. i was actually talking and joking. writing 'i love avril!' on nick's arm and spontaneously hugging him and jumping up and down with alana and laughing at the bands and fooling with doug's water bottle. and then nick sold me their cd for cheaper than it actually is...it made me so happy. and i felt so much a part of everything like i actually mattered and everyone else did too and the bands are just people, really funny people sometimes. and then we got lost trying to get out of ingrid's neighborhood and drove around in circles laughing like idiots.

i think i need to go to more shows. that's the least isolated i've felt in a while.

the flip side is that i got busted. everything came crashing down right after the show. fuck my mother. i really should have hidden the directories and deprogrammed the phone. she hasn't bitched me out yet cuz she's not home. i think i'll be asleep when she is.

she's pissed as hell though, from what i hear/guess. i'm supposed to be cleaning up the house right now.

i feel like an idiot for blowing her trust cuz i have a feeling i'm never going to be allowed to do anything ever again.

fuck.

the bell jar really shouldn't feel as ordinary and sane to me as it does. i know why it does. that bell jar is exactly how i feel, locked within myself and cut off from the world, supposed to be having the time of my life but somehow unable to do so. the longer i stay like this the more likely i am to majorly fuck up my life my doing something really stupid like running away or doing drugs or something cuz i really don't care about the repercussions. all my resolve to be good has dissolved, along with all my ambition. i'm tired of going through the motions of caring and doing what i'm supposed to, especially when it doesn't get me anywhere. all i want to do is not think.

my body confuses me to no end. i've gotten really skinny and gained seven pounds. how does this work? it's so fucked up right now. my body is developing its own eating problems, entirely in spite of my brain. i don't realize how little i eat until i sit down and think about it. and it isn't that drastically small, it's just that usually i'm hungry and i need a lot more. now there's just this constant aching not-quite-there hunger and my mouth gagging on the food. i don't know what's wrong with me at all but the fact that everyone expects me to keep living my life and be good when all this is going on really bothers me. are they that fucking blind? i don't want to come right out and tell them i've gotten fucked up cuz i know they'll all get overworried and clingy and protective and that is the last thing i want. but maybe i could let more things slide if they knew that it's not just willful slacking.

somebody fix my head.

i don't deserve any of my reputations. all the chicks in my class think i'm some kind of genius or something just because i don't have to work to pass most of my classes. the truth? maybe facts just stick in my brain and i have an intuitive understanding of a lot of things, but if i was so fucking smart i wouldn't be failing my classes. i would be doing the work i had to do. i'm not some genius freak of nature or something. i'm no smarter that everyone else. somebody please see just how stupid i can be. where has everyone gotten these ideas that i can kick their physical and mental asses? i'm paying for it with my sanity. it's not worth it at all. i'd rather be not as smart and out of my stupid bubble.

you've become part of the dim life dream that huddles in the back of my mind like it's hiding form an air raid. i see you and me, together. and i want it to be like that. i want you and a cheap apartment in a weird section of town and a funky old car and a job climbing around in the rafters of a theater running wires and such. even if it never comes true i'll always treasure that image, the dream. you will always be in my mind, the beautiful girl of my dreams. you aren't so far away, but it feels like a million miles because i can't be beside you. i never stopped loving you, ever. i just sat and waited patiently and somewhere deep inside of me i believed in you, that you loved me. and i really want us to have a future together, someday. at the show last night i kept thinking of you. there was a guy there with a red plaid buttflap, and even though he was old and ugly and shit it made me think of you and i missed you. sometimes i just lie down and think...and try to get in touch with you again. there yu are, in my head, exactly as i remember you, the words and the voices and your face and the kisses and the good times and the bad times and the phone calls mixed together in my head in this huge mishmash of missing and longing. and it's comforting somehow to know that you're always there in my head when i need you. you're like a book i read over and over again and never get tired of. i love you babe. we have to see each other this summer.

if you think you know
what i'm doing wrong
you're gonna have to get in line
but for the purposes of this song
let's just say i'm doing fine
i guess i'm doing fine

i am a shitty shitty friend. it's not that i try to be...i try to be a good friend a lot of the time but i get so wrapped up in trying to figure out what the hell's going on in my head that things fall by the wayside. talking takes a huge effort, forcing each word out in a voice that sounds like a rusty door hinge. when did my voice start to bother me this much? i just don't want to talk because i hate the way it sounds and i never have anything to say, or if i do i don't until it's too late. my brain hurts so much from being locked within itself. all it wants to do is sleep...and sleep...for a very long time. and never ever wake up again because as soon as i wake up this horrible internal pain and isolation start up again and sometimes i don't pay any attention to them, but the rest of the time they take me over until i become a shadow, a walking shell of a girl who goes through the motions of living her life while trying to find something crazy enough and different enough to shock herself back into life. all i feel is numb and tired and sad.

and i'm sorry if it's affecting you. it really shouldn't at all, but i don't know how to stop it. and i don't want to force myself to talk because i hate it HATE IT HATE IT.

i look at myself and think who am i? i sleep as much as i can, even when i know i'm not tired. i don't work even when i know i should and yet somehow i still pass my classes. i eat because i know i have to, not because i'm particularly hungry, and then after every meal, no matter how good it tasted, i feel sick and like i'm going to throw up. my body is revolting against me, breaking down exactly when i need it to be strong. nothing really matters that much any more. and i feel like an ungrateful wretch because i'm doubting everyone and treating them al llike shit and slowly retreating into my head, which is exactly where i'd rather not be right now.

but i can't get out.

tonight is going to kick arse. freeeeeeeedom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if i manage to pull this off without getting busted i'm going to be so surprised. so many things could potentially go wrong. i really should have hidden the directory this morning.

::breathe:: she won't call. she won't call. she'll never find out that i'm sleeping at dad's alone, not at dano's or ingrid's.

it's not like anything bad's going to happen.

i don't want to do anything productive or even fun anymore, just sleep. forever. there's nothing better than lying in my bed under the covers warm and safe and feeling the overused/overworked feeling in my head slowly slip away...except it never does. it's always still there, sending me back off into sleep to try to escape it. i hate thinking at the speed of molasses, slowly and disjointedly moving from one topic to another. there's just no pooint to any of it anymore. and no matter how much i sleep i'm still exhausted and stretched this, and i don't thing there's anything i can do about it. i don't want to be useless and lazy but i don't want to do anything else either. i want to escape from my head for a few precious minutes, get out of the constant loops and snags of my mind. it's overworked. overtired. entirely checking out on life and me and leaving me walking through life a zombie, living from one nap to the next.

oh SHIT. i have to teach a poem in english class tomorrow. fuck fuck fuck fuck...(etc.)

i. need. to. sleep. not analyze some stupid poem. maybe rino will go for that...maybe she won't...maybe i'll find a poem and make up some b.s. during lunch. yeah, i think i'll do that.

i really just can't care any more. none of it matters so much, none of it does anything at all for me, and i really hate analyzing things. i'd much rather read them than pick them apart.

sleeping. or reading. NOT working. end of story.

it's may. in exactly two weeks i will no longer be a sophomore. in that time i have to do a shitload of work and find a a job and hang out with people who are going away. people going makes me sad...school ending DEFINITELY does not.

six pages for english, two for history, plus one big test to study for.

i hate school.

the owner of the coffee shop next door to the dance studio has decided that i get free drinks for life.

he was also surprised to find out a few months ago that i'm fifteen.

but he never makes me pay for anything. at all. i can walk in and order anything i damn well please and i get it and i drink it and we talk. and he's really cool. i think maybe i'll start taking earlier trains and hanging out at coffee to talk to paul.

and a couple of hot chicks on the corner said hi to me.

today was the first day in weeks i actually felt like i could dance. tonight was my hard rehearsal/class and normally in that class i feel like the worst dancer ever, and lately especially i haven't been able to breathe and i feel like one huge lump of jello that can't dance. but tonight i could feel the muscles working, i could see my extension getting better, i could breathe, and i danced, maybe better than ever before. fancy french was the best it's been so far, and i understudied reflections and for the first time it just came to me and i danced it full out, and for once i didn't stand out from the rest of them. i was just as good, just as dedicated...and it made me SO BLOODY HAPPY.

everything's coming together now. sort of. and it's all so good.

i love you so much babe...that made my night.

someone had a theory recently about how the ads on blogspot pages reflect what the blog is about.

today's ad on my blog is about treating personality disorders.

the next time you see me, please slap me.

word count: zero.

screwed? yes.

oh, comments are working.

i have the mental capacity of a very small rock. very small rocks do not write good lit crit essays.

at this point i really just want to crawl in a hole and die and not care about failing. but here i am, forcing myself to care, forcing myself to write this stupid essay that i never cared about in the first place, losing sleep over things that in the long run don't matter. i don't want my entire life to be school. it's just not worth it.

but it's also not worth flunking.

and i do not have the creative capacity to make up my own essay topic for a book i didn't like very much. so what to do now?

to those who think i am smart:
i'm failing english. again. not a smart thing to do in the slightest. i really ought to work sometimes but no, i'm too dumb/lazy to do so. somebody please slap me. maybe a few times. i think i need some sense knocked into me.

to do tonight:
plato essay
study for i+s test
their eyes were watching god essay
arpillera
personal essay
dance show tech
rehearsal

i was trying to get out of this hole. fuuuuuuuuuck.

courtesy of my computer:
...how many moons have you witnessed and how many have you missed...you say you will love me if i have to go...if you visit american city you will find it very pretty...when the earth was still flat and clouds made of fire and mountains stretched up to the sky sometimes higher...she comes in every day wearing her bike shorts and political t-shirt...my world is empty without you babe...and she takes another step, slowly she opens the door...when the night has come and the land is dark and the moon is the only light we see...i'm not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love...is it safe to look within and erase all that's been...

it's a life smoothie.

...it's only when i sleep
see you in my dreams
you've got me spinning round and round
turning upside down
i feel you breathe
somwere in my sleep
you've got me spinning round and round
turning upside down
but it's only when i sleep...

erblegh, my comments are being bitches. sign the guestbook if you have anything to say.

i feel like i'm going to cry but i can't tell if it's just because of the shampoo in my eyes.

maybe i shouldn't be hurt, but i am. i know you have shit to deal with but we never talk enymore. you log on and never talk to me cuz you're off doing other stuff...at least tell me what the shit is. 'm always here to talk to...and maybe i'll understand. i guess i'm feeling ditched, and for good reason. and it hurts like hell because i thought we had something, i really cared, and now it feels like you're too busy to even try. it's still there, i can feel it, but the longer we go without talking the more i doubt. i really don't want it to end this way. not that i really think it's ending...i don't know what i think. but it doesn't feel right the way it is, never being able to talk.

i miss you. send me an email or call me or something, when you can, whenever you've got your shit worked out.

and if you ever need someone to bitch at you know where i'll be.

dear uterus,
i hate you.

it's not every day i interact with my classmates, drink coffee, go berry picking on central expressway, find a hubcap lying around, gab some stuff from dad's apartment, pick more berries, and sit around in morgan hill being one of the bad kids on the corner.

today was awesome.

the kids in my class seem to have decided suddenly that they want to talk to me. the past few days they've been pulling me into they're tables, pulling me into conversations, even the ones i thought hated me. it's really kinda nice cuz they're all nice people...i just don't hang out with them much. hurrah for people deciding to talk to me.

i think i'm starting to like coffee...i really am. i used to hate it with apassion but laely i like it. it's strange.

after school i walked to the train station. on the way i bought a moch smoothie...so good. got on an early train to my father's. walking down central from the san antonio station, i noticed that the ground in this one spot was dyed purple from berries, so i looked up and someone's blackberry bush had grown up and over the wall and was dropping berries. so i picked a few, then more on my way back after picking up what i needed from dad's apartment. it was a crazy place to go berry picking. on rengstorff right by my dad's apartment, off in the ivy by the road i found a random hubcap so i picked it up and took it home. there's this one corner by my dance studio in morgan hill where the local crazy teenagers hang out and i never used to be someone who would have sat around there, but toady i found myself out there, sitting on the curb listening to the mix caddie made me with my backpack and my hubcap eating blackberries. so much fun....i wish life could always be like today. walking everywhere in the sun and doing crazy things and finding random stuff.

i seem to have gained a reputation for being able to skate through school without working. in the past couple days, people have decided they hat me for it agreed that they wouldn't work if they didn't have to, been surprised to see me working...it's all quite strange. i do work sometimes. right now i'm trying to pass all my classes...okay well not quite, i'm trying not to slip too far. but it's all very amusing.

anyone have an orange tie i can borrow for class day? i don't want to have to buy another one.

imadeadbunny.

all the blog templates are changing...it's crazy. some people's templates can change, i'm used to that, but other people's have become somewhat constants in an otherwise chaotic universe. but they're all changing.

mine isn't, though. i happen to like this template.

my father is in italy for two weeks. this is all very strange.

i am now in charge of building the set for my dance studio's show. um...cool. that's one way to make paula realize i have some merit in that area. when dad comes back in two weeks it'll be the day before said dance show.

my life is falling into pieces again... except it's really not.

uncannily straight scabs are flaking off my hand and a story about a pyro is swirling in my head. i have the entire lyrics to 'song about you' written on my arm from being bored in english and i'm thinking more and more about whether it applies.

kissing you is driving me crazy
kissing you is driving me crazy
me and you lately been out of tune
like a sad sad song in june
sad song in june
yeah it keeps me safe at night
i believe that things are fine
and i can always pass the time
writing stupid rhymes
rhymes about you
listen to the radio station
listen to the radio station
there's a new medication for you
indie pop helps when you're blue
helps when you're blue
yeah it keeps me safe at night
i believe that things are fine
and i can always pass the time
writing stupid rhymes
so i put my headphones on
crank the music to the top
and i start singing along
sing my favorite song
song about you
oh yes it's true
you know this songs about you

and the more i think about it that more i realize that it does apply. i haven't talked to you enough lately...we do feel out of tune, like something gone just slightly off. and i know most of it is probably my fault for not making an effort to talk to you...which i feel bad about...but i don't want to be clingy and silly. i want this to really mean something, to both of us. i want to meanas much to you as you mean to me...but i don't know what that is. i can't figure out what my own brain wants.

everything's been feeling so strangely normal lately, not in an entlirely good way. yesterday was gorgeous and i raided the book collection in buch's room and sat on the circle reading about gay boys who refused to admit they were gay. of course then my family had to show up and i realized that i didn't know where my arpillera was so i wandered aimlessly around campus, completely unable to focus on anything, trying to find it. i've had the attention span of a gnat for a few days now. my mind is thinking about five things at once...but non eof them are important. i try to focus on anything and quickly lose interest. i'm a walking zone out. i just can't make it matter anymore.

what i want is a permit, a car, a relationship that lasts more than two months, a job, and no school. basically i want a life.

and i want the heat to go away. it's driving me crazy. i'd much rather it be cold and rainy and beautiful than so incredibly hot i have to take off my junior poser sweatshirt and wish for air conditioning. i hate summer weather so much...it's so hut and sticky and generally icky and there's so little chance to cool down. even in the library here i feel internally overheated and completely lethargic.

blue skies have perks though. like they're pretty.

i never saw blue like that before...

my life is like a novel sometimes. or a soap opera. except either everyone else's is so much more or i'm just way too good at adapting to strange situations. i think the second is more likely.

but everything, no matter how odd, seems so mundane right now. i'm tired of how i look, talk, act, dress...basically the entire way i'm percieved. because that's not all there is to me, at all.

my brain hurts.

er, that was a mindless project.

it's not every day i get to watch almost fanous and claim it as homework. oh the joys of having a midless project to finish in two days...

speaking of which, hannah (who looks younger than i) and i walked into longs and bought a copy of almost famous. rated r. aren't i not supposed to be able to do that? i didn't realize until today that it could potentially be a problem. hehe.

everyone recommend one book i have to read. if you can lend me a copy, so much the better.

i miss the days of english muffin toasting pirate wars and having snog yelled at me in huge letters. i miss the carefree, the unknown. i miss being able to say random stuff and get a smile back. maybe i should go back and try to do it all again. i spend so much of my life trapped in my memories, and so little actually living. i love the memories...but i only have memories like that cuz i emerged from my head long enough to actually live a few times. i'd like to say i'm getting better at that...but if anything it's gotten worse. everything in my life, every song, every place, reminds me of so many moments and people. it gets silly after a while, walking along in my little head world thinking of all the good and bad times gone by and not making any new ones. that and i spend all my free time firmly ensconced in front of my computer. it's just not the same. i'm living through other people's lives that i read about online and the details i've typed out about events gone by in mine. i really have to stop living in the past here, folks. i'm tired of nostalgia taking over my brain, especially for things that really weren't so great to begin with. i need to stop embellishing the past.

hah. like that'll ever happen.

i need to meet a new girl...start doing something fun with my time. i need to get off my ass and find a job. i need to take driver's ed in case i ever have a car to drive. i need to keep my parents' trust intact to i can have more freedom.

i had a dream last night. dad drove me to the san jose train station and i was getting all my stuff together and i had to be in there by eight to catch a train...i was hoping the train would be late...cuz i had to get on that train. i was running away. and i got into the stationa nd it was 8:01 and my train was gone and the board said the next train to portland was at 11 pm. that's when i figured out where i was supposed to be going. so i decided to wait around...and i don't know what happened, cuz mica woke me up to get ready for school.

staying at one's exgirlfriend's house for the weekend is a crazy experience.

especially when said exgirlfriend has a hot but unfortunately straight older sister who runs around wearing nothing but a blanket and who one knows well enough to get in three-person tickle wars on sister's bed while sister is wearing only a blanket. me and her against hannah. much fun.

i've known meg for seven years now. it's...weird.

girlfriend and i kissed...and it felt so wrong. i don't like her anymore at all. she's just a friend. erblegh. not fun.

but the weekend was.

just hope duckface doesn't gush about hunk-o-man much more.