dammit. how does one change what it says?

all right, i've jumped on the bandwagon. let's see if this works...

i said, 'baby, what are you doing? who are you fooling? nobody but me...'

you know what...i love you. i'm not pissed of anymore. i never really was. i'm insanely happy that you care enough to worry especially cuz i felt invisibe and i feel much less so cuz i know people care. the thing about influences and me is that i see i'm easily influenced and i can see all this stuff happening that i don't want to happen and the fact that it could happen so easily scares me like nothing else and strengthens my resolve not to let it happen. i've only broken down once and it screwed o much up and it will never happen again. no matter how much i may want it to because i can be strong if i want to and i'm going to. but thanks just the same.

i can see myself becoming a druggie and liking it but i don't want to be addicted and i don't need drugs so i won't. sometimes i really want to cut myself again to get out some pent up anger and make myself concentrate on something else but the two times i ever did were in early january and it hasn't happened since and it won't again. those are the two major things that terrify me, my ability to become so fucked up. it scares the shit out of me and yet at the same time i kinda like the idea.

however it's not going to happen because it's not worth it. all it does is get me in trouble.

i miss knowing exactly who i am and what i want, but that was a diffeent girl and though i'm confused, i like this girl much better.

there are thirty-two people on my links list...maybe that's why it takes me so long to check blogs.

someone found my blog four times yesterday by searching for "Mg, toni, tamar, iris." what the fuck?

fuck it all. i'm in serious academic burnout. how much longer can i force myself to care about this? my head feels like it's going to explode and i need some loud music on the stereo but my mother's sleeping. i've spent the past several days listening to save ferris and sublime and feeling generally disillusioned and out of it. life kinda sucks. i really want to time warp two weeks into the future past my i&s test and the stupid auction and everything else so i can have a few crazy fun days before everything falls back into this pattern. nothing is falling apart right now. it's oppressively cohesive, which is part of the problem. of course the pattern things fall into would have to be a slightly depressed and disillusioned one in which i feel like i'm looking in and wander around in a daze waiting to be woken up. i'm just going through the motions of school. doña's sending home a progress report (FUCK) and i feel like a dumbass for letting things slide becasue people actually do notice me and i should know that by now and i swore i'd reform and now i've disappointed everyone including myself and that pisses me off because i've failed again. i told them all to fuck off and i'd handle it and now they don't trust me because i blew my final chance. why do i keep doing this?

life really sucks if you stop and think about it. i've been finding myself thinking about sharp objects and staring compulsively at the scar on my hand i feeling like doing something but i'm not going to. no. i will not. it's destructive and gets me nowhere and makes me feel even worse. but i feel locked inside my head and in some ways that's even worse.

i really want someone to tell me they love me. or like me. or SOMETHING. just to shake up the order of my life right now. i need some scandal or action of some kind. a simple snog would suffice.. and maybe i'm not as spineless as i claim to be...although i only start things online (i am an online snog slut).

SNOG ME DAMMIT!

random side note...hedwig on the 28th, anyone?

this probably isn't the best place to do this...but what the fuck is your problem? you don't even know her, i don't know why you'd have a problem with her. she's not going to cause any problems or get in trouble. you don't even fucking talk to her. so just fuck off and stop criticizing the people we decide to hang out with.

i'm beginning to realize how much i hang out wih two entirely different types of people. there's the kathryn and caddie type people and they're awesome, and then there's the autry and erica type and they're awesome too and i lump you all together in my head and don't realize how different the two types are until i try to integrate them and there's friction. just because someone smokes doesn't mean she's a bad influence. a lot of people i know smoke. at shows everyone's smoking, at the coffee shop in town, anywhere. and i know the people and they're cool people, they just happen to smoke. i have a backbone. i do not bend to peer pressure. it's not like i'm going to start smoking just cuz someone else does.

there. now lay off my other friends even though they may be the opposite friend type.

i'm cutting dance rehearsal cuz i overslept. i set my alarm for 10 am and turned it on then woke up at 11:45 and it was off. oops. so i'm sitting here trying to hack into kit's conmputer so i an burn a kickass cd and downloading more music. only two blank cds left...

my mother got home from montana last night and within five minutes things were tense between her and dad again. i hate it so much. i wish they could at least wait till i'm not around cuz i always end up in the middle and they talk shit about each other to me.

the show on saturday was crazy. all these peple showed up that i knew from various places and they all ended up knowing each other and we ended up in a huge pile on one of the couches. hehehe. maybe that's why my ribs are sore. i don't know.

i'm not sure what to think of life right now. i'm generally contented but have nothing to say whatsoever.