audition form: would you be willing to passionately kiss another girl on stage?
me: i can be a stunt double if you need me to.
paz: please hold while romeo shanges from so-and-so to iris...
::we crack up::

i need at least some semblance of a normal sleep patter. not this simultaneous insomnia and constant need to sleep. i don't know how my body does it but it manages somehow and it's really not good, leaves me overtired and manic and stressed beyond belief for no good reason whatsoever.

just keep telling myself it's the last day of the term.

but that doesn't help much. one essay, one huge paper, and three finals from now i'll be able to breathe again. now i'm holding my breath, waiting for this to be (successfully?) over.

breathe.

::sings:: oh i'm a piece of dung, yes i'm a piece of poo, and i like to hang around and be stinky so don't laugh at me cuz i'm just piece of poo.

there's no joy without the pain, it's the pain that makes us strong, but sometimes it's just so hard to carry on.

i just realized i have final dress rehearsal at 3:30 on class day. um...fuck.

okay. plan of action: will sleep now. write essay during period five. job hunt after school.

i really ought to stop putting things off, but i have the mental capacity of a walnut. ergh.

on the bright side, i think i get to use my parents' camera for the summer. it's a minolta, entirely maual, and i love it so much. they stopped using it a while ago, i think because the flash broke. if that's all that's wring with it...it's good enough for my purposes.

i look back on where i'm from, looks at the woman i've become, and the strangest things seem suddenly routine.

people in my life that i had been gotting on with reasonably well now seem to all have fundamental problems with the way i do things, and people i'd lost touch with have started talking to me again. is it time for the world to turn upside down once more? i don't know how that's possible, quite...it's gotten flippe so many times that i'm no longer sure which way is up. half the time my brain tells me it's the floor, the other half the ceiling. haven't the constants in my life changed enough times? everything is so fickle, i can't count on any of it for more than a few months, if that. everything in my life reverses at once, then levels out, and just as i get the hang of the new order of things it flips in a different direction, and i'm left disoriented, sprinting in circles to keep up. everything i've done lately has felt like it's going in circles, getting me nowhere. in my head my brain is spinning, wanting to move forward, to break out of everything it has to do and move on to figuring out what it wants to do. and it feels like no matter how hard i try i never get anyhere in life, am simply left with my wheels spinning, wishing and waiting for things to happen.

one more day in the term. i'm almost done with this crap year, and with any luck by next year i will have some motivation to do something in school, because i really do care about where i end up. and i know i can't live out my dream unless i play by the rules for a few years, at least until i break free.

i know this logically, the trouble is i can't make my brain believe it. i want to break free now.

::sigh:: two years is a long time to wait for freedom. can i keep my dreams intact through another breakdown? because i know this isn't going to be the last. it never is. every so often my brain falls apart and rebuild itself, although this time it seems to be doing a much better job on the former than the latter. all i want to do is sleep. always. i'm living from breakdown to breakdown, and from nap to nap. not a very meaningful existence. being in my head is like a bad dream i can't escape from, while all around me is a beautiful world that i wish i could wake up and fully appreciate.

please slap me. REALLY hard. i need to stop drowning in my thoughts and memories. i live in my memories, rememberign what's happened more than causing new things to happen. and i hate it SO much. stop living in the past, iris.

but am i really iris? i'm not the same girl that was called iris last year, for the whole beginning of my life...i've changed drastically since then, so drastically i'm not quite sure who i am now. vi. it makes more sense to me than my actual name, for some reason. means more to me in some ways. iris is the innocent little girl who died last year...but sometimes i wonder if she really did. sometimes i think i haven't changed, and then other times i realize how much i would appall my old self. so i am vi, iris dead and reincarnated about a million times over since the beginning of freshman year. my entire past is disconnected, like watching a movie that happened to someone else. i can't believe that half of it ever really happened, or that it happened to me. there's some point where the girl in the memories becomes a little closer to me, sometime around last spring, maybe may. and then in the summer, on the last day of conservatory, rob nicknamed me violet. and i like it. it slipped to the back of my mind for a long time, but lately i've though about it more and more and it feels more like me than my real name.

i should stop babbling. later all.

i wrote a sappy sonnet in english today cuz i was really bored...maybe i'll post it later if i have time.

i had a weird dream last night that invloved biting caddie, talking to autry, the morgan hill library, and molly and ingrid becoming nuns. i REALLY don't understand my subconscious right now...

1. if anyone sees my motivation, would you mind telling it to come home? i kinda miss it...

2. toni found the picture autry gave me when she was down and gave it back to me. yay.

3. people want to kill me. lots of people. i think i should make things easier by running off to antarctica.

4. this is my blog, and therefore i post what i like. i do not post anything that is someone else's life...or at least i try not to...sometimes i screw up...but this is my life and if you don't like it then you don't have to read it. although i'd miss you.

5. people feel really distant...where'd you guys go? come back to meeeeee... then again it's probably my fault cuz i've been so out of it... but i don't want to lose you guys just cuz i'm being a dumbfuck with no social skills.

6. somebody please hand me a time machine so i can zap forward a week.

i can't remember what i was just going to write...but i had something. not resting until about 10:30, if then. fuck my life.

i'm horny.


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i really really need to find someone to make out with or something...cuz i'm so bored and i'm really horny and that's not a good combination.

i'm singing a song and it's a cool song cuz it's pretty and it reminds me of you and you kick ass and you make me happy. so i'm happy cuz i'm singing about you except the song really isn't about you cuz yeah the chick didn't know you...and it's actually kinda a sad song but if you listen to only the part i'm singing it's pretty as hell like you and so i'm sitting here singing. and typing. and good stuff like that.

i'm almost everything you have ever wanted
i'm almost your best dream come true
we fit so perfectly
oh i almost can't believe
how i'm almost all i need to be

and then it gets all sad but whatever that part makes me happy cuz you make me be able to fly.

::flies off::

I WANT AN ENGLISH MUFFIN.

::siiiiiiigh:: there's way too much stuff to do right now. but...two more weeks. two more weeks. less than that. and then i will be freeeeeeeeeeeee. woohoo.

things i have to potentially look forward to:
working for natti
getting another job
visiting autry
autry visiting
mike's santa cruz thing
kat's party

so thanks to that list, and the fact that i'm so not in official trouble, very very surprisingly, i will survive. i just have to live in hell for a few days and work my ass off like never before and maybe get a little sleep and whaddaya know, i'll be free. ish. my parents don't trust me right now but this could still potentially be the most kickass summer ever.

then again, that's what i said last summer too.

i am a silly muffin. woot woot.

i don't know how long it's been since a tear rolled down my cheek...but my eyes have been tearing up more and more and i think maybe it's progress toward being able to cry again. it feels so good to really care about something...not just an i should care like most things are right now, but a true deep emotion. i'm not used to it...not really...but it's bringing back everything else, even if very slowly.

and you're spinning like a forty-five
ballerina dancing to your rock and roll

sometimes i started to doubt...doubt that it was true that i'd ever had you, that i might still. but then the doubts dissolve and i'm left loving you as much as ever, wishing i could be close enough to touch you, that girl i can see only on my computer screen. i can't be a pessimist when it comes to you, no matter what. i never believed in anything being unconditional, ever. i didn't believe in much of anything really. constants and my life just don't get along...but then you came along and really you're the only constant i've got.

so just know that no matter what, unconditionally, i love you.

you don't deserve to cry...you don't deserve to have shit in your life...you're beautiful and wonderful and through all the shit, even if sometimes it's hard, i will be there.

and i can't believe that i...could somehow...maybe...deserve you. deserve any of this. i can't think of anything i've ever done to deserve something this good.

i had a really weird dream last night...i was with a bunch of sophomores on a trip to ashland and it ended up involving running round ashland with my pajamas on only one leg with some liyyle boy and an argument over toni's chicken nuggets in a bookstore/restaurant and something about a bacon burger and erica was there and for some reason there was a jsa convention there with a bunch of casti seniors and roxanne came over to outr table and this chick from dance was there too...it was so bloody confusing, but for some reason it all made sense, even the running round ashland in the rain with my pants half on...and then i woke up and it was noon.

yeah it keeps me safe at night
i believe that things are fine
and i can always pass the time
writing stupid rhymes
rhymes about you
so i put my headphones on
crank the music to the top
and i start singing along
sing my favorite song
song about you

i want to pass out to get away from my head. i've been dreaming lately, but when i wake up at whatever fucked up time i don't remember them. all that's left is this lingering knowledge that they're very strange dreams and that a lot of them involve you. i couldn't tell you how or why or what though. and i think amorphous dreams and unconsciousness are much better than a consciousness trapped in my head. so i think i'm going to go try passing out even though i'm not particularly sleepy...just tired of life. exhausted. and feeling vaguely possessed.

if you were here...
...i wouldn't have to worry about other girls.
...i could give you a hug.
...i would hold your hand.
...everything would be so much better

you are the one person who gets through the shell. somehow even when i walk away from anyone else because i feel so isolated i never walk away from you. when i talk to you and here your voice the fluff inside my head lifts and i can think clearly and for a few precious minutes the weight lifts off of me and i can sit and listen to you, talk to you. i miss being with you so much.

call me again sometime. even if i have nothing to say it'll be nice to hear your voice. hang in there, babe.