in the past two weeks hannah has taken to calling me 'butch.' today my sister termed me 'butch lesbian man.' this stemming out of a conversation about why it made less sense for me to produce a preppy zine than for her to.

if nothing else, she's good for entertainment.

okay, check this out. the wonders of boredom and siblings.

i talked to autry for the first time in a month last night. not sure if i said everything i've been meaning to...but at least i talked. she talked. we talked. i can't believe it had been so long.

a girl i've known for at least five years is getting married today. strange thing, huh?

i think i need to learn to let go of things.

I SAW THE GOSSIP ON TUESDAY. i never got around to posting that because mum started pissing me off but it was the fucking awesomest things ever and i redyed my hair the day of the show so it's all red again. beth ditto is hilarious. and i danced with this chick who i think was over 21 and i was in the pit and two chicks broke the guitarist's guitar cuz they were spanking him cuz it was his birthday and we played ingridtoe on her shoes and i bought a gossip pin and it was WONDERFUL. i gush. i gush some more. hurrah hurrah hurrah. and i found a lighter in the pit so now i have a lighter.

you know what? FUCK YOU, MOM. i can't take this anymore. i can't take the constant demands, my constant inadequacy, your refusal to recognise that I AM GROWING UP GODDAMMIT. i can run parts of my own life, thankyouverymuch. so according to you midnight is too late for 'a girl my age' to be out. UP YOURS STUPID. i don't give a fuck. i'm not going to change for you or anyone. i would move out tomorrow if it wasn't such a massive endeavour.

except i don't know if i would. i like my room. i like my computer. i like the privacy. it's really nice to come here once or twice a week.

but for one thing: YOU.

fuck it, i don't even know what to say. you need to let go. you need to let me live my life. i'm smart. i can make my own decisions. and midnight is definitely not too late for me to be out. i love the downtown crowd. i am sober and responsible and can get myself places and i'm SIXTEEN YEARS OLD. so get off my back.

if i got my room clean you said i could do what ever i wanted to. you would buy me paint, carpet. this was my dream. i wanted to really make it mine after living in it for eleven years. i still do. i could do so much. but my room is eleven years of memories. some bad, some good. ninety percent of the shit in there doesn't have a place to go anymore. and you know what? it's my room. i kinda like it the way it is. except really i don't, it's sort of a pain.

i just fucking give up on this house and you. i've tried. you just can't see me for who i am. so i'm leaving, as much as i can right now.

side note: dana and amee and reid and emmalinda are super cool and they have made my day.