both hands

i saw ani live again last night.

this time i knew more of her music, so i had more fun.

and i was with lauren hall [babydoll].

she's back from maine for the weekend...it was so good to see her.

and then i slept over at kim's house with tori and lauren.

we went to breakfast at mike's cafe in midtown and were eleven dollars short to pay the bill.

so lauren's dad had to come and bail us out. oops.

i'm still running on caffeinated mints from last night and chai from this morning.

mmmmmmmmmmm.

i don't want lauren to leave.

kisses.

now off to a cast party at a nightclub. life is crazy, no?

so long.

...

is it bad to just want to fall asleep and never wake up again?

it's the pain that makes you real

i don't believe in romantic love anymore. there was a time, for about two months this spring, when i believed in love. i still have memorabilia from then. it's everywhere i turn, in a slice of pizza or a word or a song, in the picture that's sitting in my desk right now. but that ended sometime around my birthday, the day before i think, and it really fucked me up for a long time, because i had overcome my cynicism and actually started to believe in something, and then it all came crashing down.

i'm a lot stronger now. i don't believe in soulmates, in anything romantic that can truly last. it leaves less openings for me to get hurt...but even getting hurt doesn't hurt so much anymore.

but the one thing i do still believe in is friendship. much as it may seem that sometimes nobody notices my existence i look around and realize otherwise. there's always somebody there. and i care so much about every on of you. i miss you if you're not here, and maybe even if you are and we haven't talked lately. come find me. strike up a conversation.

so i don't believe this bullshit about making connections for selfish reasons and their not really mattering. because they do matter. and maybe i would have gotten close to different people had situations been different (i don't believe in fate) but that doesn't change the fact that when you leave (which i'm sure all of you will) i will miss you like crazy.

keep in touch.

i don't belong

i don't belong here. i don't belong here. i don't belong here. i don't belong here. i don't belong here. i don't belong here. i don't belong here.

get me out.

if wishes were changes there'd be no goodbyes

i had a dream last night that leigh and erica ran away and they tried to get me to go with them but i didn't because i didn't want to break my parents' trust and i was so worried about them so kit and i set off in a car to find them except it was like all the other dream i have about driving where somehow i just end up in the passenger seat of this car and have to start steering it so we don't die...so wer're going around and then we end up in this strange marketplace and run into some guy we know who has what in the dream was brad's old car, which apparently i had been in before...so we set off again. then somehow i'm at school and there's this poster up about how leigh and erica are missing and it turns out leigh went to castilleja and graduated the year before i came...then they came back and said you should have come with us! and i said no, i couldn't. and then i was talking to erica and she had dumped me without telling me because she thought i was going to go spend a semester in canada, except i wasn't, and i was all sad and then she started talking to jessie about some bridge she had built and ignoring me completely and i was standing there holding the poster and being all sad...and then i woke up.

you're a lesbian and i'm really stoned

whoooooah...last night was so surreal...i didn't get home till 345 this morning...and i didn't even get in trouble for it...they bought the story that the midnight movie started really late and then gabe's grandmother took a while to come pick us up...rather than we got out of the movie and hung around lytton plaza with leigh and ashley till leigh went off to some random party and gabe and ashley and i went to jesse's apartment thing and they smoked pot and i got buzzed on the smoke...not much, just a little...by this point it was like three am...and everything was really funny...and gabe was falling over stoned...and then gabe and i got back in ashleys car, gabe had to lie in the trunk and she drove me home...i'm so out of it man...but it was so so so fun...we watched rap videos at jesse's...and leigh is soooooooo cute with her hair all gone...i couldn't stop rubbing her head.

hehehe. i'm so out of it still...delayed reactions...wheeeeeeee....