shall we then say goodnight and mean goodbye

last night, downtown was everything i'd remembered it to be. the smells of cloves and cigarettes mingle in the air as we talk and laugh about everything under the sun, meeting new people like twenty-three-year-old ex-con gergei, locked up for terrorist threats he didn't make. beauty and darkness and friendship, somehow palo alto nights make it so much easier. and then the midnight movie at the aquarius with eight hours of pure sugar and caffeine causing me to float and spin and detach from the world, my face tingling and hands shaking, with lizzie beside me contemplating the crazy paintings on the walls. palo alto at two am. stars and streetlights and trees and magic.

david and jonathan

how is the relationship between david and jonathan different from others we have seen so far?

well, büch, if i didn't have a splitting headache, i would tell you:
that david and jonathan are flaminly gay [hello, they have a pathological need to run into open spaces and make promises to each other]
that it is not biblically normal for the heir to a throne to happily give up said throne to a new guy
that it's love at first sight ["When [David] finished speaking with Saul, Jonathan's soul became bound up with the soul of David; Jonathan loved David as himself" (I Samuel 18:1).]
that we've never before seen anything like this
that the sing david sings for jonathan talks more about what j. meant to him than what he did for god or the people of israel
and THAT THEY ARE FLAMINGLY GAY [really, it needs to be said twice]

fiesta

hey guys, guess what?

it's a

benny and joon
ironed grilled cheese
easter egg dying
peep blowing up
jam session
PARTY

may sixteenth, 2004, from 1:30 to 5

at my mother's house
ask me for directions

bring musical instruments and music and anything else random-party-worthy and we'll iron sandwiches and have good old-fashioned peep wars.

limited rides available from the palo alto area

seriously, you guys should all come.

a word to the wise

don't jaywalk right in front of two police cars.

silence

am i anything more than a shoulder to cry on?

one down, none to go

sitting in a gym for three hours scribbling essays isn't nearly as bad as one thinks it would be. and the sonnet saved me. thank god for my ability to rapidly and accurately parse and interpret shakespearean english.

all the same, i can't believe i'll be taking three of these things next year.

numb

i know i shouldn't have done that.

but god it felt so good.

cinco de mayo

my school in all its let's-be-diverse glory decorated the cafeteria with umpteen million little mexican flags and got a troupe of dancers to come dance for us. for about half an hour there was more spanish spoken on campus than english.

and then i left because i have an ap exam tomorrow morning and therefore no school this afternoon.

the post office on hamilton is so beautiful and only charged me a dollar sixty to send you a cd and three sheets of paper.

and then i made super fast time home by catching a ride with a bus driver headed back to the lot and we drove through residential palo alto laughing at the looks on the faces of all the people as a bus came driving down their street and we talked about music and guitars and bands and i was home by one-fifteen.

who am i fooling

i wrote you a long letter in reply and sealed it in an envelope with a mix cd [no cloves yet] and addressed it. tomorrow it will be on its way.

everything i'd say right now is in that letter.

oh the depths

it's four am and i'm listening to shakira. time for another attempt at sleep [har har].

because insomnia also leads to the filling out of silly memes

1. Open media player.
2. Put all your mp3s on shuffle.
3. Write down the first 15 to play, no matter how embarassing.

let's see what this computer comes up with...

1. So Bored with the USA - The Clash
2. Hey Jude - The Beatles
3. Whiter Shade of Pale - Sarah Brightman [where on earth did *that* come from?]
4. Hold Me - Savage Garden
5. The Mystic's Dream - Loreena McKennitt
6. I've Just Seen a Face - The Beatles
7. Poisoning Pigeons - Tom Lehrer
8. Tell Me Why - The Beatles
9. When the Stars Go Blue - The Corrs [one of my least favorite corrs songs]
10. Blackbird - Mary McCaslin
11. Stay Home - Self [Shrek!]
12. Split Personality - Pink
13. The Time Warp - Rocky Horror!
14. Girl - The Beatles
15. Flowers in the Window - Travis

insomnia

i hate the wide-eyed semi-panic, the knowledge that i should sleep but can't, the failed attempts, the time spent lying there wishing for sleep wishing for unconsciousness.

but really, honestly, i kinda like my insomnia. i like being the only one awake. i like playing the guitar for hours in the middle of the night till my chord progressions are smooth and my fingers are sore and warm from the friction of the strings. i love late night cups of tea and the way my mind clears and the words start flowing.

she's fragile like a string of pearls
she's nobody's girl

now's the sort of time when i'd like to talk to you because this is the time when i can formulate my thoughts and actually say what is on my mind. everything i want to say. everything i would say if i were talking to you.

the world makes so much more sense in the dark.

in a coffee shop in a city

Instructions: On your current playlist, hit shuffle and pick the first twenty songs on the list (no matter how cheesy or embarrassing), and write down your favorite line of the song. Try to avoid putting the song title in the line. Then, have your friends comment and see if they know the songs.
1. I wouldn't eat you cuz you're so tough.
2. It's a supernatural delight.
3. cuz i've been in love before and i found that love was more than just holding hands.
4. as i stand laughing on the corner of insignificance
5. there's no rules on the hill.
6. i've got a dream to take you over, expanding like a supernova. i'm gonna crash into your world.
7. is it salvation or an escape from discontent, will she find her name in the california cement?
8. you get no more second chances, there ain't no turning back.
9. she could never be free when i was around
10. he gives the kids free samples because he knows full well that today's young innocent faces will be tomorrow's clientele.
11. in the beginning i misunderstood, but now i got it - the word is good.
12. we have lost the time that was so hard to find.
13. la la la la lump in my oatmeal
14. they call it impiety and lack of propriety and quite a variety of unpleasant names, but it's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
15. Come on baby I got a licence for love and if it expires pray help from above.
16. there's ten stuffed heads in my trophy room right now: two game wardens, seven hunters and a full-bred guernsey cow.
17. never could imagine there were only ten million ways to love somebody.
18. the chains are locked across my chest, there's no heartbreaking.
19. when i ask you to be mine you're going to say you love me too
20. sings like an angel but you can't hear those words.

...i forgot how much random stuff was on this computer.

two little girls

i might as well write. say something say anything make you listen to me. are you there? i wish i could say you weren't haunting my dreams anymore but i can't i can't i can't you're always there only i know it's just a dream. that you're never really there in real life which is why i've tried so hard to forget the whole thing.

i loved you once, and old love dies hard.

killer chicken

a story told alternately by amee and iris

me: baKAWK!
amee: aahh!! *runs away in terror*
me: ATTACK OF THE EVIL CHICKEN!
amee: *cowers in fear*
me: hahahaHA
amee: *trembling* where did it go? is it going to kill me? *eyes dart around frantically*
me: baKAWK!
amee: aahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: muahahahahahahahaha

amee attempts to kill chicken. can't because it is amee, and she loves animals. hires hit men to kill chicken for her.

me: noooo. it's not evil. just...misunderstood!
amee: yes, it just needs therapy. massive therapy
me: ohhh yes

hit men take chicken to therapist. chicken pokes out therapist's eyes and then pecks therapist to death. proceeds to kill hit men. hit man # 1 escapes. hit man # 2 dies. hit man # 3....who knows what happened? They only found a leg...

chicken then runs really fast and launches self into orbit. # 1 flies after chicken. they land on jupiter. chicken is a fire-breathing chicken! #1 is now a very crispy #1. # 4 has now arrived. chicken befroends #4. together they take over jupiter. all of a sudden they realize that Jupiter is a gas planet and decide to take over io instead. they skip over to io. # 4 plots to kill chicken but then realizes there is no liquid water on io and without chicken to melt water, #4 will die. they move on to pluto. which is so cold #4 freezes to death. # 5 FINALLY arrives with a guillotine. pluto is *still* cold and he freezes. a chicken named fred arrives on pluto.

the interstellar chicken flies off and is never heard from again. fred follows. fred and nameless fall madly in love and they live happily ever after on a small planet near betelgeuse until #s 6, 7, 8, and 9 catch up with them. fred and nameless decide this killing of hit men is silly and decide to keep them as pets

# 9 falls madly in love with fred. nameless gets jealous. he also wants a sex slave. fortunately, #8 is there. # 6 and 7 are now jealous. they have always wanted to fuck a chicken. they approach nameless about it and she decrees the planet one big orgiastic commune.

THE END

all

all i ever wanted
was to feel special.

perhaps perhaps perhaps

i'm caught and confused, lonely in my little corner of the world, waiting wishing and wanting. wanting you. i think if i keep myself busy it will all go away so i work and work and work and for the first time in my life i'm truly a good student and i think maybe just maybe it will go away. so i take as many tech jobs as possible, fill up my cakendar and work myself to the breaking point. and then at night when everyone else is sleeping it comes rushing back in and i realize that working myself this hard is not the solution to anything but i feel too good and responsible and real and grounded to stop even though it's killing me slowly and every so often i can't take it anymore and i crash.