so since friday there is some big fiasco i missed. huh. i rather wonder what because no matter how many of your blogs i read i can't figure out quite what happened. ::sigh::. this week has really sucked. tuesday was insanely good and then wednesday i got sick, the trains got cancelled, a paly kid hit a little girl and killed her. thursday i missed half of and the rest was blah. bad. but caddie made it better with cd and talking. friday was awful. i fought with my mom in the car, then had to see her again that night. she 'doesn't want us spending too much time' at dad's apartment even though it's easier and closer and all that. she's the one who first insister we spend time up there so she could sleep in. she is selfish and bitchy, exactly the same things she accuses me of being. and maybe i am. i know i am sometimes. but at least i fucking admit it. she just sits there and leads her little hypocritical life and maes mine miserable. that really wasn't what made friday so bad and left me in emotional agony for a day and a half.

i think this is the first serious fight we've had. we just don't yell. i've never been that seriously pissed off at you which really wasn't serious at all. i was much more worried that my deliberate bitchiness had wrecked everything. we can get through this, though. it's nowhere near unsalvageable. really it isn't that big a blip in the long run. that doesn't make it any easier now, though.

in case any of y'all are wondering, miss antonette and i had a bit of a fight. i guess that's what it'd be called. whatever.

i think i agree with this general lack of secrets. it could make some things awkward but it will make other things much less so and i think right now that could be a very good thing. so if you ask me something and the answer is about me i will answer it. i still reveal no secrets. i am the secret-keeper.

and today marked the loss of the third crew in nasa history. pretty impressive compared to the russian death toll.

something about this week is jinxed.

or maybe we're a bunch of idiots with impaired interpersonal skills.

on the slightly more amusing side, somebody found my blog searching for 'backround of laura ingalls wilder.' hmmmm.

add to the list of songs linked to crushes or random noncrush people: 'bridge over troubled water'[simon and garfunkel]. if you guys can't figure that one out i'll be disappointed.

i feel dumb. amazingly so. it pisses me off. suddenly i am as thick as a rock. or a peninsula. or something. or maybe i just feel like my conclusions are most likely wrong and therefore start second-guessing myself. arrrgh.

i got lazy making things bold back there. you'll just have to live with it.

i was talking to caddie tonight and ended up running through my crushes in terms of songs. i wonder if any of you can figure out who they are. some of them aren't crushes, just people i have songs linked to in my mind. so here they are: 'fnt'[semisonic] 'chained to you'[savage garden] 'never saw blue like that'[shawn colvin] 'devil's dance floor'[flogging molly]/'ring of fire'[johnny cash] 'loom'[ani difranco] 'shameless'[ani dofranco] 'i believe i can fly' (or whatever it's called)[?]. i think that's it. they are in no order whatsoever. sign or email me if you figure one or more out (caddie, you don't count. no giving them away).

today really sucked. caddie made me happy though :).

and if anyone besides jessie and jeeyon wants homegrown blood oranges, let me know. the tree in the backyard is producing like crazy and i'll never eat all of them...

this is the rest of the conversation kathryn posted part of. much fun :). yesterday was insanely good. whoop!

kathryn: well i'm going to go steal my knife, and then i'll have guillotine blades and a knife!
me: well pffffffft
kathryn: and i'll steal...whipped cream! to blind you with
me: yeah well i'll go steal...strawberries to fight off the whipped cream. so ha! and maybe a wrench or five. ooooh! oooh!
kathryn: mmm. not the wrench though. well i'll steal a uhh...hoe! and a trash can lid as a shield
me: well...fine...how about a battery-op drill muahahahahaha ::brandishes drill::
kathryn: i'll steal your batteries.
me: no you shant
kathryn: and recharge them for my own use. i shall. *steals them*
me: i have spares! and the charger unit so hah! ::hides spare batteries and charger::
kathryn: *knocks you down with my hoe and looks for them*
me: ::chases you with a wrench:: nooooooo!
kathryn: *wards you off with my uhhh...guillotine blades and finds your batteries* muwahah
me: nooo! my precioussssssss...
kathryn: *eats them* ugh. stomach ache.
me: ::chases you with pocket knife and steals back batteries:: awwww. poor kathryn
kathryn: what you gonna do? cut me open?
me: with my dull pocket knife? yeah right.
kathryn: yeah that probably won't work. i'm tough anyhow. sorry no batteries para ti.
me: but yes. you are at my mercy.
kathryn: am I?
me: i have temporarily stolen your guillotine blades
kathryn: oh no! where'd you put them you...uh...thief!
me: and am brandishing a dull pocket knife and five wrenches. hahaha. thief yourself. hand over the batteries.
kathryn: wrenches aren't sharp, and i've still go my whipped cream!
me: yarrrr! don't make me take out my toaster!
kathryn: *covers you in whipped cream so you can't move and hides under the chair (what chair?)* wait, i'm stupid! *steals your wrenches* out of pity you can keep the pocket knife
me: ::eats the whipped cream and starts pelting you with strawberries:: batteries and wrenches! gonads and strife!
kathryn: ahhh! strawberry wounds
me: muahahahaha
kathryn: noooo! i'll never give up!
me: never surrender! never give back guillotine blades!
kathryn: you aren't supposed to say that to ME. what kinda soldier are you? oh I get it. gimme. i'll uhh...give you a wrench for all of my guillotine blades
me: fuck no. i want all five and my batteries dammit! thief!
kathryn: thief!
me: well mnehhhhh
kathryn: sorry your batteries and floating around my internal organs
me: you stole your own guillotine blades first! well i guess i'll just have to fix that, huh?
kathryn: never!
me: muahahahaha
kathryn: don't you evil laugh! this isn't over yet!
me: that's what *you* think. heheheeheheheehehhe.

i feel pain because i am conscious and consciousness is an illusion existing only in my own brain, so why should pain prove that i am real?

i've thought about school uniform for a total of thirty seconds in the past four days and i just realized that i don't have any, or that at least i don't know where any is. and i need to shave. and i don't know what schedule we're supposed to be on tomorrow. and i feel so unprepared to go back to school. i much prefer playing battleship with autry and hanging out with toni(who, fuck it all, is grounded again....noooooooo!) and going swimming (haha i think we need to have a party) and generally not worrying about school.

fuuuuck.

i am in absolutely no state to think about school. what i need right now is a long rest for my mind to rebuild itself. on the bright side i haven't even attempted to hurt myself with anything sharper than an incredibly dunn knife in almost a week now. dammit...mental instability and school really don't mix. i think i need a mental health month or something. it's not easy to rebuild after something like this. stupid fucking breakdown. of course it's my own darn fault, really. i got hurt too many times so i started filtering my thoughts and then the filtering system broke and i went off the deep end and here i am today, near the bottom of a very deep hole that i've dug moving upward [i think] and maybe, maybe, if luck is with me and nothing pushes me back down, i'll make it to the top. i feel so peaceful right now. peacfully deranged. my head hurts from thinking as i try to sort out the mess i've made. i have no fucking clue anymore who i like and don't. i don't know much of anything about myself. i want to do something really reckless to prove to myself that i still exist. i want to shock someone to prove i'm not invisible. i'm really not so sure about either of those tihngs. i feel sometimes like i could cease to exist and the majority of people i know would never notice the lack of me, toni's little shadow. i hate this. i really do. do i sound depressed and bitter? cuz i'm really not...just stuck in pondering. unproductive pondering. i'm getting nowhere.

results so far: i don't like anyone...but i don't know. it feels so asexual and clinical to not like anyone so i don't want those to be the results. i want an obsession, someone to stalk even if they are entirely unattainable. then again sometimes the perceived unattainable suddenly becomes much less so and things go screwy.

speaking of which i've figured out our problem, what really fucked everything up. it wasn't the mutual thing, it was the communication problem that followed. you didn't talk. i didn't talk. we weren't honest. with honesty it could have died and we'd be fine. two months of communication screwups...i've been thinkiung about this a lot lately because it really bothers me. i wish so much it had never happened or that we'd handled it better...but all i can do is look back and regret. i have no idea how to fix things but i feel like i should. for some reason with you i'm always afraid of looking or acting stupid, of being too clingy. i keep my distance because i don't know what else to do. when it comes to you i have the social skills or a rock. i guess i just have the social skills of a rock in general. i huess what this all boils down to is that i'm sorry, very sorry, for my part in the whole mess. i would go back and change things, but i can't, and i don't know how to make amends any more than i've already done.

i am so fucking sorry for anything i've done to anyone even if i don't know i've done it.