blogger is silly. at least i know how to work this template, as opposed to the very strange one they had upyesterday.

oh well.

autry's coming tomorrow. me happy.

looks like party sunday, san francisco monday. wanna come along?

i got my first paid tech job ever. really really happy. i'm the youngest person in the cast/crew buti don't feel like somesioly amateur...jeanie really likes me already...and it looks like i'll be sticking around for more shows there. hurrah. having a job feels so good :).

it makes life a little crazy right now, though. i now have two jobs. first, i'm teching vehicle. second, i'm cleaning my father's apartment. yup he's paying me. it's a pretty good deal. and my sister gave me the 12 bucks she owed me for taking her to buy harry potter so i'm going from broke to loaded practicaly overnight. la la la, life is good. but next week...i'm supposed to be: sound op-ing vehicle, stage managing r+j, cleaning the apartment, and hanging out with autry.

but it's all good. 'sgonna be a good week ::grin::.

i really liked this one:

violet Magic Number 20 Job Writer Personality Multiple Temperament As High As A Very High Kite Sexual Whatever, Whenever, Whoever Likely To Win Nothing Me - In A Word Beautiful Colour Brought to you by MemeJack

hahaha, i am super cool. 80 on autry's quiz. booyah!

fuck. i hate the new blogger. does it bother anyone else?

caddie, stop being so impatient.

my sister is crazy...last night she had a sleepover at my dad's apartment, invited her exgirlfriend julia, whom she still obsesses over...right in front of her too. it's really strange. i'd be scared. i am scared. that's not the point. it was silly and they stayed up late and played hangman on my arm in sharpie after i fell asleep. silly girls.

i think kat and i are altogether too giggly for out own good. we had a tea party yesterday and dressed up in fancy dresses and kat, being brilliant forgot water and cups...i mean of all the things to forget...so we got water and left and then kat realized she'd forgotten cups so we ran back inside and grabbed some and kit was reading harry potter and laughing at us. and we went to mi pueblo and bought a watermelon because we felt like it and then we realized we didn't have a knife...so back to the apartment we went and by the time we got there we were laughing so hard we could barely speak and we dashed back in amidst strange looks from kit and grabbed a knife. and then we wandered aimlessly until we found a random park in los altos and had no idea where we were. fun stuff. and we sat around and talked and read our futures in the tea leaves at the bottom of the pot. toni is going to be attacked in the mountains by my killer kitty, and i'm going to kiss mo. that was the result of our readings...

doo doo doo...i'm bored. dad's on the phone with caddie's parents about potential partying. yay hooray.

three days. mad partying week coming up.

go take my quiz. i got bored.

i want to be held. i want someone to understand without needing me to say a word. i want to be whole again. i got used to living without the part of me you took with you, but now as i get closer and closer to seeing you again i ache for it, for you.

six days has never seemed longer.

i want to say 'you're jealous? of me??' but then i realize that for once maybe there is something to be jealous of. that doesn't make it any less silly or annoying or utterly fucked up...but maybe i should stop giving myself so little credit.

maybe not.

but hey, life's going right. i like it. and i don't like being dragged back into this quagmire.

some of it i really understand but other stuff...chill out man. seriously. can i do anything without making you jealous? can i even be happy?

i've handled some things really badly. you say it's not me...but i know that some things could have been handled much better.

at the same time i'm sick of pettiness and jealousy and secrets. it's too much and i want it all to go away.

what happened?

no one you can save that can't be saved...
love is all you need.

i'm dreaming again. something about thursday kicked my subconscious in the ass and i've started having really vivid dreams again.

::sigh::

hurrah for being in the middle. hurrah for solving situations that are not mine to solve. hurrah for telling caddie how in love with her i was. i never really told anybody everything, but i think she knows most of it now. hurrah for fixing our friendship, apparently pretty well. hurrah for getting people talking without bludgeoning either of them.

um, damn fucked situations.

but hurrah for talking. and being honest and hurrah for autry visiting.

but i feel like such a fundamentally bad person in some parts of my life simply because, apparently, i exist. i really don't know what to do for you. i don;t know what i want from you. all i want is to be there for you because obviously you need someone and i'm really worried...you were always there when i was losing it but now that i'm stable you're spiralling out of control. i love you. always. i hope you know that. and i want to talk. please tell me what's going on. and tell me what you want. because i will do anything for you. any time, any place, i will drop everything to be by your side.

somebody please tell me where i screwed up. because no matter what i do at this point i am going to hurt someone. for once my life is okay, but i feel like the smallest move i make will profoundly affect someone. i'm trying so hard to make you not invisible...but i don't know what to do. if i follow what i want to do in one case, i'll make it worse. but if i follow what i want to do regarding you, it will be a very strange stiff week trying not to be all ooh happy. i am a horrible person.

high school boys are goons.

you two: do i have to hit you over the heads? well one of you not so much. but the other one is being thick as a post. wake uuuuuuuuuup...

what else...basically i feel like a player, everything is fucked, my life is fine but other people's aren't. i like where i am personally, but what has it cost? and what will it cost?

i was reading some of your notes today. the typed one you gave me after you tried to ditch me and a couple other ones. and it hurt so much because i really have betrayed you. i've been such a dumbass so many times.

and caddie, i'm crying. i can't let you make any of the mistakes i made. and maybe it's impossible but blimey i'm going to try. because it really sucks.

i still have blue hair. i won't let any of you fall. you can lean on me all you like...i've been through so much that i can hold you up. i'm not worried about me anymore. all i need is to know that i have someone by my side, and that i can maybe make a difference. maybe i can help, maybe you need me...and maybe someday i'll need you just as much. but for now i'm stable, i'm steady, and i'm strong. just tell me what you need to get out.

lean on me when you're no strong, and i'll be your friend, i'll help you carry on, for it won't be long till i'm gonna need somebody to lean on.

six days. christ, i wish autry were here now.