perfection

sometimes there are absolutely perfect moments. tiny little snippets of time where everything comes together and makes sense. no worries, no problems, just this one perfect moment. my most vivid memories. the first autry kiss was a perfect moment, on a bench in downtown palo alto. when ani played 'as is' and 'two little girls' and lo and i wouldn't let go of each other, that was a perfect few minutes. that whole concert was nearly perfect, actually. standing on the street outside paz's house holding erica while she cried. it's something about connection, something about everything else falling away and not mattering. sure it all comes crashing back in but right then it's miles away.

yesterday on campus with the rain falling around me and not a soul in sight was one of those times. that's why i didn't care about the dumb sixies, i wasn't going to let them ruin my perfect little bit of happiness.

sadly, bits of perfection are few and far between.

title

i have a mission for you. go here. read the first story. then give me feedback. seriously critique it. i think it's time for a second draft.

both hands

there's something magical about rain. the smells of wet pavement, wet grass, mud, wet cotton sweatshirt, wet wood, the absolute silence as every other student in the school sits in class or in the library, and i walk in big circles around campus, singing ani difranco and smiling. two sixth graders snuck up behind me...i think they were imitating the way i walk...but i was too tripped out on rain to care. seriously, it makes everything okay. sixie one: 'HI DANA.' much giggling. we approach the library and i catch sight of them in the glass doors, walking goofily and laughing. 'she can see us!' one of them hisses. they run off to get snack and i come in here, completely peaceful and happy. middle schoolers are silly. but i really am peaceful. and not giddy-happy, just content-happy with a bit of floaty-ness...i want to run through the rain all day.

sometimes things happen between people out of their normal context. and then they get back in the frame of reference they usually see each other in and things change. sometimes they don't. but usually they do.

i am walking out in the rain and i am listening to the low moan of the dial tome again and i am getting nowhere with you and i can't let it go and i can't get through

jump you suckers jump

burn. out.

i want to sleep.

but only to escape.

because that's what i do. i sleep. so i don't have to deal with things.

like love.

love just plain flat hurts me.

am i selling it short?

i don't think so.

plus when i'm asleep i can't be sick.

or sad.

which i kinda am right now.

only really i'm fake-happy, to hide the sad.

argh.

a is for ani

my backpack: i've had it since seventh grade. it's old, beat up, dirty, sprouting holes. contains: two railroad spikes, a crescent wrench, a pair of finger cymbals, some old schoolwork, and maryah's graphong calculator. it has my name embroidered on it in big purple letters. so why would someone steal it? it would make more sense to just steal the calculator out of it and leave the backpack. i wish they had. if this were paly, i would neverhave left the locker unlocked. but even after the chocolate milk incident i had some faith in my prep school comrades. this is castilleja, where if you lose a cd player, chances are it's sitting in the library waiting for you. where the last thing reported stolen from a locker was an sat prep book. so what's up with the missing backpack. the facts: it was in my unlocked locker on saturday at 5:45 pm, and not there today at 2:30 pm. argh.

i. am. pissed.

ten dollar reward for the return of my backpack. graphing calculator preferred inside as it was not mine.

that aside:

excuse me while i cough up a lung. the mighty gods of phlegm are not being kind.

i absolutely hate being sick. the only good part is being waited on, and that's not worth it. blech. i'd rather be working and going to school and such than sick. i cannot get sick. i have places to go. people to see. shows to tech. the last being the most important.

this really couldn't have come at a worse time.

maybe i'm too trusting maybe i'm naive but i thought i saw myself reflected in your face

did i?