it's a gorgeous day outside. after school (after uploading caitlin's template) i took off my boots and socks and jacket and climbed up into the trea and sat there for a very long time, just staring at the sky. i can't be pessimistic today, except for the slight nagging worry that i'm going to end up spending the night here. damn wallet that jumped out of my backpack at home...i am now broke and without a train pass (it's at home) and my mother told my father that i was going home tonight which effectively canceled my ride...otherwise i could have gotten along. urgh. how my mother thought i was getting home without said train pass i don't know...the real problem is that my father is impossible to get in touch with. i can never tell when he has or hasn't gotten a message. so maybe he'll show up, maybe he won't. fuck.

the number one song in the uk on the day i was born was star trekkin' by the firm, which i happen to have on my computer at home and love. go figure.

is it even worth going to bed at this point?

add horny as hell to on top of the fucking world...fucking world...hehehe.

i am an html fiend. go check out the template i created from scratch for a certain miss caitlin...i am on top of the fucking world right now.

roxanne just gave me a flier. gay prom 2003 is saturday, june fourteenth, from seven pm to midnight in hayward.

june fourtheenth...a week after school ends, two days before camp starts. i hope. maybe just maybe i can make it work.

i just finished the perks of being a wallflower. it's left me wanting to get in a car and drive, and know that somehow everything will be okay. everything is okay. because really it is. this after noon made me realize that as i walked to peet's with erica and we talked about sexy dictators and foulmouthed puddles and washing our mouths out with soap and then we'd lapse into silence and somehow it was all okay, whether we were talking or not. it felt good. and toni let me read her journal, the one thing she had never let me do before. tamar always got to read them and i never knew what they said. standing in the rain waiting for the shuttle llife felt so perfect and i started randomly composing a song, my first one ever. it just sort of wrote itself. and i stood there singing it and making up new parts and harmonies and i don't remember it all now. when i got off the train it was sunny and i realized that my life is simply how i feel about it, and right then it felt so wonderful and i realized how good it was and i walked down the station platform grinning liek an idiot and i ran into my sister in the tunnel cuz she was catching the next train home and i told her she could use my computer...gave her my password. i've decided to stop burning my bridges and rebuild the ones i already have. it's all a matter of my attitude toward it. so from now on...i'm going to try to look on the bright side. anything's possible. right now...i feel like i could fly. step through the screen door and just fall up. hurl myself at the ground and miss.

i feel invincible and infinite.

i want to do something with my life. something new and different. i have all these hopes and plans and dreams and they keep getting squished under homework and parental permission. ah wel, nothing i can do about it except keep trying.

life's a game and you have to play by the rules. i'm almost beginning to believe it. it's what my dad always said and i always used to say maybe i don't like playing by the rules. but maybe apparently playing by thge rules is how my father manages to pull off so many schimandle scams. i still hate playing by other people's rules, but i hate mr. fuller and workcrews much more. besides, the better i am outwardly, the more i can pull off by being sweet and acting nicely. i think it's time to put said new tactic into effect.

i went and talked to ms hof and very nicely explained exactly why i had still been wearing the pants the next day and that i'd tried as hard as i could to get something else to wear. went on to various other problems and the like and came out feeling much better and minus one workcrew. now i don't have work crews two weeks of the rest of school...as opposed to one. i feel like i'm back in seventh grade when i lived in detention.

my chem book went poof between thursday and saturday. the odds are very seriously stacked against me. ah well. i've promised to buy toni dinner if i get a better grade on it than she does.

i should be happy. why am i not? i sound like the ultimate ungrateful, whiny teenager.

why is it that when i try to follow the rules and do my work i get in ten times as much trouble as i ever did before? hof gave me a work crew for my pants because i wore them again the next morning only until i could find jessie and get the skirt, which makes it so i have four consecutive work crews. i think i'm officially off my two days of euphoric high. right now i either want to cry or beat someone up. and i can't do either. i'm sick of finally trying to be good and follow rules only to find out that apparently that's never what they wanted at all. i don't know what they did want, but it sure as hell isn't what i'm doing now. four work crews. always in trouble. i really want out of here. i'm only stayinig for the people now, i have to run and hide from most of my teachers because i'm in trouble with all of them. i hate my classes. i really don't see the point anymore. why stay?

i think tonight i'm going to talk to my father about getting out. this is getting ridiculous.

i try to get my life organized and succeed (relatively) and no one seems to notice. this is what they've been pestering me to do all year and now that i've joined the mainstream of people with binders who care about work...they still pester me. i swear to god they're fucking blind. do they realize that i just don't care anymore? i feel so helpless and hopeless to do anything and i can feel myself spiralling downward into apathy again, only worse. and this hole isn't even my own. they've dug it for me.

i've changed in two ways. first of all, i've stopped caring at all. i really don't give a fuck anymore. second of all, now that i don't give a fuck i'm actually working (please don't point out the fact that i'm blogging in the middle of spanish class, i just got hof's email while trying to retrieve my spanish paper). it's so counterintuitive. somebody tell me why i'm still here.

errrrrrrgh...despair.

i would run away right now and never look back, but i know i could never leave behind the people i know here and if i stuck around or stayed with you my mother would find me. she would find me if i went anywhere, to anyone i know. she would freak out like there was no tomorrow. it's not like anything would happen to me, but she can't see that. eventually somehow i'd end up going back and right there i would have blown all the trust my parents (especially my father) ever had in me, which is the only this keeping me afloat right now. the fact that i can stay out till 11:30 completely unplanned and miss his ride and not get in trouble is thing that keeps me sane right now.

on the flip side, he doesn't want to let me go to portland for camp. erblegh and mner and meh and all those other despairing, disgusted sounds i feel like making right before i break down crying. i wish. there's too much built up. everything seems larger than life.

i think i'll go pretend to write that paper a little bit more.

i've always been cautious in love because i don't want to turn out like my parents. i don't want communication to go down the tubes and leave me out in the dark. i don't want to hurt someone i love. and yet in the process of trying not to hurt people or screw things up, i end up doing exactly the opposite. it's a lose-lose situation.

add to all that that i'm a shameless flirt and it's a disaster.

if you care...i don't want to hurt you. but it's hard to believe the things you say are really true because they're so good and i really don't want it to be one-sided, but at the same time i feel like if i say too much i'm just going to be clingy and silly so i'm going to shut up now. meh.

::sigh::

my sister is a bitch. she threatened to tell my parents i'd snogged autry just to try to keep me from being able to go to portland. she's a bitch for other reasons too, but whatever. i hate her so much.

blah. i want dreams to come true. i guess a few of mine from last night actually did. maybe there's hope yet. the last few days seem so incredible deja vu-ish somehow, but i don't know why. erblegh. wish i could figure it out.

hehe sara amuses me. weeeee.

please liberate my gnome. i don't have many toothpicks left.

i don't think i can take sitting still in a theater right now. my attention span is nil. i'm way too distracted. i don't think i've ever had this much trouble concentrating on things.

kissing you is driving me crazy
...
yeah it keeps me safe at night
i believe that things are fine
and i can always pass the time
writing stupid rhymes
rhymes about you
so i put my headphones on
crank the music to the top
and i start singing along
sing my favorite song
song about you

wow...i'm turning into a really obnoxious blogger.

all i ever get is junk mail. it's starting to piss me off.

time is moving so slowly right now.

i've fallen into one-line, sometimes cryptic posts lately. i'll try to remedy that.

i'm so manic right now. this is wreaking havoc with my brain and my sleep patterns. this morning i woke up somewhere around seven entirely of my own accord and couldn't fall back asleep. i lay there in bed and wondered why the hel my body had done this because usually it's a miracle if i'm out of bed before eleven. i'd force myself back off into sleep and dream of computer screens, looking exactly the way i wanted them to. when io finally got up i was so convinced the my dreams had to have been true that i checked my email. no, no new mail. damn it all. all my nervous quirks are out in full force and i'm about 80% cat right now.

way too much energy. have to do something, but don't know what to do. no bloody way i can write essay like this. my mind is spinning. i'm walking on a cloud.

coherency level...very low.

i want to walk out of here and find my way to you. i want to neurotically check my email a few more times. i want to go home and check the mailbox every night until my camp letter comes, even though they haven't been sent yet.

paz, that's the end of the world right there.