impotent

i hate not being able to do something. i hate staring at a blank sheet of paper with the awful knowledge thta i cant fill it with rows of tiny black numbers and logic my way through the problem. i've gotten too used to being able to jump back in and automatically know what's going on and today when i couldn't i wanted to cry and one goddamn math test shouldn't do this to me. i shouldn't care as much as i seem to about always being smart [the smartest?] it shouldn't affect me this much when i have no idea how to do something but it does, especially because if i'd studied for once in my life i wouldn't have failed that damn test. i flipped off chrissy. i want to punch something stomp on something BREAK SOMETHING cut get out all this frustration but instead i take deep breaths and don't let any of it out. i want to scream but nothing will come out. i'm trapped.

may there always

i'm going to be drop dead gorgeous for gay prom if it's the last thing i do.

fragile like a string of pearls

the back of my wrist hurts as if i'd been cutting but i've done nothing to it.

don't have to play me backwards

she kissed me. what the hell do i do now? she's not the one i want.

you don't have to play me backwards to get the meaning of my words

new layout

i've been avoiding updating this because i can't stand the new blogger layout/terminology/whatever the fuck they think they doing, i sent them a nastygram but was essentially brushed off. the long and short of it is that i think i'm moving here, for a while at least.

see you all on the flip side.

nobody's girl

the trick to staying on task is not to think of you but it's too late now.

i've crashed, my academic steam is gone, and i'm close to tears. not crying. i wish i were but i can't. these are the tears of i've-been-awake-for-too-long.

screw it. she won't notice i'm writing an essay in class, right?

desesperada

more and more the past few days i've been thinking in spanish which is a welcome change as it slows down my overactive imagination just a tiny bit but i find myself wondering how does one say 'word processor' or 'ethernet' or a million other little things i don't know how to say.

pienso que soy casi bilingüe y me hace muy feliz. puedo pensar en un idioma que no es inglés. entiendo y hablo y a veces enseño este idioma en mi vida diaria.

pero éso no es lo que vine para decir. tengo sentimientos en mi corazón que todavía no puedo expresar en mi segundo idioma. cosas como amor y tristeza.

pero todavía trato de explicarlos.

urgh

i really dislike the new blogger website. not everything has to be rounded and dumbed down and a million times more difficult to work with, dammit.

may be fully switching over to livejournal if blogger doesn't do something soon to keep my business.

muerta de sed

i want to talk to you so badly right now even though you just signed off. i want to hear your voice, your words, i want something to anchor me because tonight is the kind of night when i need someone to hold on to me and not let go. i don't want to be alone. pleae. don't leave me standing here alone. i'm listening to ani and thinking of you and my fingers are aching for the steel strings of the guitar to play and play and play till there's nothing left of me no emotions no nothing.

no frontiers

i think it's kinda funny that's the song it starts playing when i tell it to shuffle because yes, that was our song. a little idealistic, to tell you the truth. there's no one you can save that can't be saved. i guess that really is the truth, isn't it. because in the end i couldn't save you and you caouldn't save me. i watch you from a distance and wonder what happened because you're colder, harder, more distant every day. one day it was, then it wasn't anymore. everything love was supposed to be until it wasn't. and i can't help but wonder whether it ever meant as much to you as it did to me because it changed my life. you changed my life. and i was just another girl to you. i guess that's the way life goes, though. you loved robin more than she loved you, i loved you more than you loved me, katie loved me more than i loved her.

everyone has an autry. yes, you've become a thing. a noun meaning someone beautiful and apparently unreachable who reaches out and touches someone's heart, then leaves. tears their heart into a million pieces without looking back.

and i took what you taught me and went into the world armed with new music, new knowledge of love, and a new fortress to protect myself from it.

you used to write beautifully and i wished i could see the world the way you saw it but suddenly it's all how drunk you got or how much you puked and i miss the girl i used to see behind the words, the girl who could see past the bullshit of this crazy world. and i like to think i could see the real you but maybe what i saw was just one more layer of the facade.

you know, i didn't start out trying to write about you. i was going to write her, my new girl, my new heartthrob, the one that makes my pulse quicken with every beautiful word she writes. the girl i've seen four times, who has seen me three times, who is the second person since you to be magic and i've never even kissed her. a word, a touch, i'm a hopeless romantic.

drawing the story

i'm always afraid when i write a story that i'm writing an ending for you/me/us and that by verbalizing it i'll make it happen.

i'm hooked in a feeling
i'm high on believing
that you're in love with me

it's the same with songs. when one line applies i start worrying that by making that your song i'll make the rest come true somehow.