growing pains

there it is. the crisp sheet of white paper full of neatly organized words and lines with grade twelve written at the top in big bold times new roman. as if what i want to do between now and then is so easily explained. one line each for six subjects. clean and unmarred. before i turn it in it will become a maze of arrows and explanations because i want next year to be perfect and amazing because it's the last one i have. before you know it i'll be gone. one day it seem's like i'll never get out i have all the time in the world and the next day i'm signing up for senior year courses and the world is different and time has passed and i can't remember where it's gone.

fall

i know what falling feels like. losing control. waiting for someone to sign on. staring at their number in my phone. saving every bit of communication, every memory. conversations leave me shaky and vulnerable. i don't even need to see her. one word, one hello. a picture. just knowing i have pictures. thinking of the way we touched the way i tried not to stare the way i kissed someone else all the while hoping she'd notice me. the way i lost my breath when we met. the way we talked, awkwardly yet comfortably dancing around each other never saying what we really meant. the way i hoped i'd see her, the way i lost my voice when i did. the jittery anticipation

so close. so far. the strange way things work out.

both hands
now use both hands
oh no don't close your eyes

the pattern

she loves me. she loves me not. she loves me. she loves me not. she loves me. she loves me not. she loves me. she loves me not.

i'm terrified of being left.

i could write you a letter
and i always do in my head
just to tell you i'm all right
and this lonely didn't kill me i guess

i miss you.

...i dream you are so much closer...