twenty twenty twenty four hours to go
i wanna be sedated
nothing to do nowhere to go
i wanna be sedated.

people found this today searching for 'pictures of toothpicks' and 'toothpicks bad for you.' hehehe.

i hadn't looked at my guestbook in a while because i assumed nobody would be signing there anymore. i was actually going to complain because i rather like my guestbook. but...it turns out people have been signing. so, if julia and molly are still reading this, hi guys. i guess i have some serious explaining to do. first of all, i never liked molly. ever. i was amused by paz and someone else's various meltings and so put them in touch with each other. it's kinda weird to be helping someone stalk someone at a school...it i started to feel kinda bad. but for me it was all a joke, something to lighten things up a bit. and i admit i never really though about how it would feel to suddenly discover one is the subject of much talk in a very public matter. nobody realized how much you knew (my pronouns are all over the place here). you were so seemingly oblivious that we joked about how much you didn't know. so paz started being more and more blatant to see how long it could take you to figure out. discretion went out the window. one day after school we were talking and i joked that i should start molly stalkers anonymous for them. and i did. msa was the final blatant thing...plus the link posted to it where anyone could find it. and apparently you did. thinking back on the whole thing i'm really not proud of helping it become quite that crazy but...christ, it was funny. and i'm really sorry. the msa blog has somewhat moved off topic into anything the two stalkers and i feel like discussing. and msa itself was never updated after the day i created it. i abandoned the project because i realized how weird it would be to find. and i really should have dismantled it, but i didn't.

msa members, go read my guestbook. i think you need to see it too.

you...i never know what to say to you. ever. on the phone, in person...on here...i am a pile of mush. half the time i can't form coherent thoughts, even. and when i can i can't articulate them. so i babble about anything and everything or fall silent. and i am confused as hell. because if i don't like you...why should this happen?

wait, no,one year ago yesterday.

one year ago today stephanie rogan cut her hair.

yesterday i missed the shuttle which was horrible. it was actually ealy or once. so i had to walk to the train station. i was walking along bryant and all of a sudden i hear a skateboard, which is really funny cuz i don't think i've ever seen a skateboard in rich palo alto before. i turn and look and coming up a side street is a really hot girl on a skateboard. ::melts:: oh man. so there was that. and then i was walking along university and this guy stopped me and asked me if i worked at pizza my heart because he'd seen me somewhere. it was really strange. i told him i had to go catch a train (i did!) which he didn't seem to believe. then as i was walking through the alma underpass i ran into alex (blue haired girl) who i've actually met now. huh. my world seems to be expanding beyond the bubble and i like it. for a long time the only people i knew in my current incarnation were casti people but since the summer i've brought in ctc people plus random people from shows and fomf and parties. it makes me really happy to have people i know all over the place. and apparently i'm far rom invisible if random guys are stopping me in the street swearing they've sen me somewhere around university...::grin::

fuck being sick. i actually am this time. my throat hurts and the diabolical garden gnome with a sledgehammer has moved into my head and refuses to be appeased by the gods of advil. and i'm insanely dizzy. ::mumbles incoherently:: i am a pile of mush. please take me somewhere pretty so i can happily mush and not have to worry about anything.

i had insane dreams last night. in one of them mike had a party and maddy got pissed off cuz she was persuaded he had had the party so he could fix me up with tyler. and then i had a dream where mike was a drug dealer. and then...i swear there was one that had to do with me, toni, and ballet. and then there's one that ended up not being a dream: my advanced conservatory acceptance letter. i told these guys back in november that i wasn't going to be using my audition waiver. i don't audition. i'm not going. so what comes in the mail today? my acceptance letter. i don't see quite how this works...so now i have to go email bill and tell him i'm not doing it. which isn't quite as hard because it's not at gunn this year. i still feel bad, though. i really need to get a job but i hate ditching the friends i've been hanging out with for the last four years...though there are only two of us left from the first year and i didn't even hang out with jon harms then. ::sigh:: i kinda want to go bak. my excuse recently has been that i couldn't get in at this point since auditions are over and i passed up the waiver. then the letter came. and i'm confused.

crap. i need to find a job really soon.

so look who's been linking to my blog from jeeyon's: host-65-124-224-50.bellarmine.edu. who goes to bellarmine and would be even remotely interested in my blog? he [i'm assuming, considering bellarmine is all-boys] has done this multiple times. i'm a little bit amused/confused...

autry asked me the other day what i am. she started listing off things like hippie, goth, punk...and i realized i can't classify myself. at all. i don't know how others classify me but there's so much more than can fit a label. i like so many different kinds of music and do so many different things. so don't try to classify me, just take me as i am.

my cd player just stopped playing music which i *think* means that it's played through all five mixes that were in there which means it was playing for about six hours straight...

hehehehehe.

i've been going through all the old crap in my inbox trying to get my email back to some state of functionality and i found two messages labeled 'hidden camera at my new years party.' haha. apparently we aren't the only people who have fun on new years...

oh, paz just reminded me. hurrah for her sister. and hurrah for mine who didn't get in. i am maybe a bit too happy about that. kit and i don't get along and she wants to be a techie wherever she goes which means a lot of friction cuz i sure don't intend to quit...so good thing she isn't going to casti. ::bows down and worships admissions committee::.

i hate having shit with people but...shit is resolved? maybe? friday was crazy because i solved potential shit with two people and then toni was pissed off at me for not coming to school and maddy was pissed off at me over tyler (i still don't quite understand that one) and it made me really sad. if you're ever mad at me please tell me exactly why so it can be potentially fixed. i never want to hurt anyone. there've been too many obscure problems between people lately and i don't want to be a part of it at all.

::sigh::