i know if i come in without an essay tomorrow thompson's gonna whoop my ass. i know i if don't go to sleep now i will fall asleep during the runthrough tomorrow. i think i should at least start my essay but i still don't know what the fuck i'm writing about.

oh crap, i have something due in spanish tomorrow, too.

i really just want to go sleep.

i never read most of pride and prejudice. any volunteers to tell me what happens and give me a good essay topic?

thompson sent my father an email today about how i haven't turned in my essay. she so obviously dislikes me and it pisses me off. oh well. at least i only have to put up with her until january. i ought to finally write that essay. i almost don't want to piss her off any more than i already have. and i need to stay caught up or i'll get in big trouble again and i'm sure my parents would have no problem pulling me out of twelfth night during hell week.

i'm almost looking forward to pulling an all-nighter, though i doubt it will come to that.

i officially declare google stupid. i have taken my full name out of this blog entirely, yet it still shows up on google. grar. ::bludgeons google with a wrench::

somebody searched my name on google and got here. i don't know who. fess up. i won't get mad...i just want to know who the hell did that, for my own peace of mind. sign the guestbook.

time to go fix old, old entries that i thought i'd fixed...

mum came home last night and said she'd talked to a deputy and the detective is dropping the case and no charges are being pressed, so if we find out that's true, the entire first paragraph below is outdated. i'll probably know tomorrow what the deal is.

re: my 11/6 entry, things are getting much better. things are gettig less and less fucked up and i think i'm finally maybe over this. i don't feel cut off or shunned or avoided...all in all, life is good.

on the flip side of the coin...::waves:: hi, m4x.

my father's moving out tonight. the sherriff contacted him today and because this is the fourth report of domestic violence they're going to have to make a formal enquiry, possibly involving 'interviewing' me and my teachers. dad hasn't been arrested or charged but one of the three possible charges against him is felony assault and battery. if he slips up he could spend the rest of my teenage years in prison. so he's moving out, to make sure absolutely nothing happens. he's not allowed to teach at gms anymore, he won't be allowed to teach a lighting workshop for us. he's not even allowed on campus anymore.

for some reason i'm not having any trouble adjusting to all this. i've always been this way, able to accept things as the norm almost instantly. i forget a lot of the time that mine is not what's considered a 'normal' life. i forget that maybe this really is a big deal. for me it's just the course of daily life. it scares me sometimes that i adapt to changes this drastic so easily. not that being able to survive family craziness is a bad thing, more what other changes i could adapt to.

i think my greatest fears are turning out like my parents and being a druggie. i have a mental image of me doing drugs and it becoming perfectly normal, like everything else has. that really scares me. above all else i don't want that to happen. i don't know why i'm so deathly afraid of addiction. maybe my father's alcoholism sparked it. it hasn't always been this way. when i was little and my father still drank i used to pretend soft drinks were beer because beer was what grownups drank. at five i didn't understand that my father had problems, that he was an alcoholic, that he was abusive. he was just my dad.

i feel like i'm five again, only now i understand what's going on.

i don't know everything, though. last night i went off on a tangent about jian (purposely misspelled) for some reason and ended up talking about the day we went to see rhinoceros and introduced jian to s3ema, my seventh grade science teacher, and how jian and s3ema really got along well (guess where that spelling came from) and all of a sudden i notice my mum has a funny look on her face. she says 'do you like s3ema?' and i say "yeah, s3ema's a sweetie. i really like her. why?' mum won't answer. which makes me wonder. is s3ema the next m1ca?

m1ca is h4nnah's mother. she and mum have always had a really volatile relationship, ranging from going out for coffee together to my mum hating m1ca's guts. as far as i know, the hate has never been reciprocated. m1ca just doesn't hate people. i have never fully figured out why my mum has such a problem with m1ca, but one crazy notion has plagued me for years. my sister once asked my father if he had ever had an affair. he said yes, once, when he and mum were split up. which makes me wonder whether my mum thought/knew that person was m1ca. her reaction to hearing s3ema's name brought up all these questions again because she reacted exactly like she used to react to m1ca's name. does she think there's something going on with s3ema?

life feels insanely normal, considering. the old adaption skills have kicked in again.

todos vivimos en un submarino amarillo. nous vivons tous dans une
sousmarine jaune! eway allay ivelay inay aay ellowyay ubmarinesay.
viviamo tutti in una submarina gialla! anachnu garim be...[i don't know
how to say submarine in hebrew]...tzahov!

::sonrisa::

i ought to write an essay so i don't get in trouble.

so. right after i finished writing that post my sister showed up with mad libs for president and we did four. i supplied the words for the first three, she the last one. one last thing to say: ee-rees for techie prostitute! (you'll understand later).

famous quotes from the american revolution
nathan hale said: 'i only regret that i have but one email to lose for my song.'

william prescott said: 'don't fire until you see the yellow of their hands.'

patrick henry said: 'give me liberty or give me trombone.'

paul revere said: 'the submarines are driving.'

john hancock said: 'i wrote my piano large so the king could read it without his cows.'

thomas jefferson said: 'all shoes are created equal. they are endowed by their creator with certain floppy rights and among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of computer.'

the three branches of government
our founding blogs designed our webpage with three major branches. this was to protect the search engines from a technical leader. the thee branches forma system of checks and wrenches.

the executive branch includes the office of techie. this branch posts the jusdicial and legislative branches and has fancy power.

the judicial branch is responsible for upholding the note, which was snogged by our founding fathers. the judicial branch includes a supreme book, which rules on hot issues.

the legislative branch is divided into two wenches – the congress and the senate. together they regulate which ids are passed into yearbooks. this branch, however, can be vetoed by the prostitute.

yankee doodle magnet
(here's a really crystal tune that everybody knows. you can want it on the fourth of july or president's day!)

i'm a yankee doodle magnet.
yankee doodle do or know.
a real live friend of my uncle patrick.
born on halloween.

i've got a yankee doodle smile.
she's my yankee doodle peace.

yankee doodle went to a pond.
just to ride a killer bunny.
i am that yankee doodle eye.

forget it, i'm not posting k1t's.

thanks to the wonders of ip trackers, i now know that the person my 11/6 entry was directed to read it. but i don't have any email. was i not obvious enough? or is person purposely not emailing me? fuck it all. i'm too scared to just walk up to person and ask her. stupid.

and it really has been a year. it's odd to think that a year ago i was just figuring out i wasn't straight, i didn't really know car3y, caddi3, t4mar, t0ni, jian, p4z (the list goes on)...my hair was blonde and i was a person who now scares me. and yet i still don't feel like i'm being who i truly am. there are some times i feel entrely me, like when i'm twirling in the rain, staring at the sky, or when i'm walking around the circle alone, singing. i am an insecure, insignificant, invisible person hidden inside a tough shell of craziness. i fell different than i look. i am not who i am. there are too many mes to keep track of and i don't know which is the real one. i can't even sort out my feelings. it's like i feel i should or shouldn't like this person and therefore i do or don't. i've liked one person that not everybody else liked and that started unconsciously, before i even considered it to be possible. likig someone like that is a strong drug, just being near them makes you dizzy. makes it hard for you to think. why did i? i don't know. and i can't figure out if i still do. it's almost like i can't fathom being over it so i persuade my mind i'm not. but you don't dream about people you're not over. granted, that was a while ago. but...i'm sorry. things are fucked up and i want to fix that. so if you think you are the one that's directed at, please email me, like i asked. please. because maybe the truth about whether it's all in my head will help me clear all this up...

i haven't been able to concentrate on anything for about three hours now. there's a one-line email sitting here on my screen. all i need to do is hit the send button. eegh. to send or not to send, that is the question.

why the hell would someone like me?