uncannily straight scabs are flaking off my hand and a story about a pyro is swirling in my head. i have the entire lyrics to 'song about you' written on my arm from being bored in english and i'm thinking more and more about whether it applies.

kissing you is driving me crazy
kissing you is driving me crazy
me and you lately been out of tune
like a sad sad song in june
sad song in june
yeah it keeps me safe at night
i believe that things are fine
and i can always pass the time
writing stupid rhymes
rhymes about you
listen to the radio station
listen to the radio station
there's a new medication for you
indie pop helps when you're blue
helps when you're blue
yeah it keeps me safe at night
i believe that things are fine
and i can always pass the time
writing stupid rhymes
so i put my headphones on
crank the music to the top
and i start singing along
sing my favorite song
song about you
oh yes it's true
you know this songs about you

and the more i think about it that more i realize that it does apply. i haven't talked to you enough lately...we do feel out of tune, like something gone just slightly off. and i know most of it is probably my fault for not making an effort to talk to you...which i feel bad about...but i don't want to be clingy and silly. i want this to really mean something, to both of us. i want to meanas much to you as you mean to me...but i don't know what that is. i can't figure out what my own brain wants.

everything's been feeling so strangely normal lately, not in an entlirely good way. yesterday was gorgeous and i raided the book collection in buch's room and sat on the circle reading about gay boys who refused to admit they were gay. of course then my family had to show up and i realized that i didn't know where my arpillera was so i wandered aimlessly around campus, completely unable to focus on anything, trying to find it. i've had the attention span of a gnat for a few days now. my mind is thinking about five things at once...but non eof them are important. i try to focus on anything and quickly lose interest. i'm a walking zone out. i just can't make it matter anymore.

what i want is a permit, a car, a relationship that lasts more than two months, a job, and no school. basically i want a life.

and i want the heat to go away. it's driving me crazy. i'd much rather it be cold and rainy and beautiful than so incredibly hot i have to take off my junior poser sweatshirt and wish for air conditioning. i hate summer weather so much...it's so hut and sticky and generally icky and there's so little chance to cool down. even in the library here i feel internally overheated and completely lethargic.

blue skies have perks though. like they're pretty.

i never saw blue like that before...

my life is like a novel sometimes. or a soap opera. except either everyone else's is so much more or i'm just way too good at adapting to strange situations. i think the second is more likely.

but everything, no matter how odd, seems so mundane right now. i'm tired of how i look, talk, act, dress...basically the entire way i'm percieved. because that's not all there is to me, at all.

my brain hurts.