sooo...i am now sixteen. it doesn't feel any different [why did i just type 'better'?] than being fifteen. somehow i make more sense to myself, though...i really do. everything is working out in very nice ways. i'm not used to understanding quite so well.

it really doesn't feel like anything has changed. i was devastated for one day...my mind spun out and i didn't talk because i wash trying to keep up with it, flying at hundreds of thoughts per second. and the more i thought...the more i realized that i love autry, but it isn't necessarily romantic. she hasn't left, the dynamic has just changed slightly. and i'm okay with that. actually, i realized that i like it better. because one leaves lovers much more readily than one leaves friends. i still believe in her, i still trust her, i haven't been betrayed...it just took a little reflection to get here. i'd say i'm getting better at recovering...but really there wasn't much to recover from. i saw it coming. i was subconsciously prepared, i just didn't want to believe it. and so it hurt. but it doesn't really anymore. i'm sitting here chewing the same kind of gum we'd both been chewing three months ago when i first kissed her...she must've dropped this piece today, i found it on the floor of the apartment. and all i am is vaguely sad that it didn't work out quite the way i'd hoped. and i'm not just living a lie. i said goodbye to her today...and it didn't feel final at all. i'm going up there later this summer. she still wants to have something to do with me. the last thing she said to me as i got on the bus was 'bye, love.' and i'm happy for her, that she has other girls. yesterday she was sitting on nicki's lap and after one little twinge of last time that was me...i was just happy for them cuz they looked so cute and happy and everyone deserves so have that. i just don't want nicki to get hurt, because it really sucks.

unfortunately, my body hasn't pulled out of the nosedive quite as well as my mind has. it's still in self-destruct mode, which pisses me off. it's not supposed to do this without permission, dammit. i never decide to stop eating...my body does it for me. my current diet is the unhealthiest thing ever. today...watermelon, a mocha smoothie, and a chocolate chip cookie. and i'm not hungry. and if i force myself to eat i'll feel sick, like i have to throw up. so i let it go, knowing that eventually it'll pass and i'll be hungry again. but i still wish this didn't happen. it's not good to be dizzy from not eating and still not be hungry. makes me feel even more hung over when i wake up.

random things i've come up with to explain the x on my arm:
-it doesn't stand for straightedge
-don't ask. [that's the one i actually used]
-my cat is very talented
-it has to do with a rosebush and a rabid squirrel
-ummmmmmm...
the truth: i don't know why...it was stupid...but hey, the knife dad gave me is sharper than my safety pins. i was sitting there wondering how sharp it was...and so i decided to see...and now i have an x cut into my arm. and for about a millisecond i was like my story...and then i wasn't anymore. because i'm not going to be, ever. not worth it.

must get out of destructive mode. bad body! stop that!

will thought i was older than i am...that amused me. we've gotta be the noisiest booth crew ever...we sit in the booth and play egyptian war rather loudly right up until the show starts. brad kept laughing at us. speaking of brad...he decided last weekend that i [like caddie] am going to be one of the guys and sit around drinking with them. this was the same day i was really bitchy about being too girly. so being declared one of the guys was really cool. anyway...back to what i was talking about...will and i were playing egyptian war and talking about how cool it is to have people think we're older than we are...and i said it hadn't happened to me lately...but he thought i was seventeen or eighteen until he found out it was almost my sixteenth birthday. fun-ness.

and i think i'm going to get my pilot's license before i get my driver's license. i'm gonna learn how to fly! yay...i've wanted to go to flight school for so long... on the way home:
dad: so, now that you're sixteen, do you want to learn how to fly a plane?
me: do we have the money?
dad: no.
me: well when we have the money i'd love to.
dad: okay, it may be a year or so.
but hey, it doesn't matter, i'm going to flight school, dammit. life is cool.

and part of my birthday present is a trip to portland to visit autry. i was kinda sad when i read my card, cuz that was before i had things figured out at all. but now i'm happy and i'm going to portland. doo de doo...yeah...

what else is there to say about my life?

i'm not so worried about it being confusing anymore, because i'm getting better at working things out.

i don't know what to say. i hate being me. i really do. i want to cut my hair and that's part of the reason. i'm not even so scared it'll look bad anymore...i really don't care all that much. i need something new. my life was awesome for exactly two weeks and i was getting better and then poof it all evaporated. you know what? fuck you. i should have known i was just another stupid girl dumb enough to fall for you. that's the last thing i ever wanted to be. you say you want to be alone...but that's really no excuse...i have that song stuck in my head. i want you to know how much this hurts...does any of what you said still hold true...it doesn't help that you're sitting next to me.

there's no joy without the pain
it's the pain that makes us strong
but sometimes it's just so hard to carry on
when you said that you don't care
when you said that you'd be there
well i wonder just how did things go so wrong...

i have that song very much stuck in my head.

i hate this.

but i don't hate you. even though i want to sometimes. i should have known...i should have known...but please know that i'm hurting, i was getting better but i've fallen again...ergh...i have poprocks in my pocket,...but they make me sad...

i hate this. i hate being fucked up. i wasn't anymore really...partially because i could count on you. and now i can't. i don't want this to end. but i think it has.

i don't know what to say.

damn delayed flight. damn damn damn. i have a one o'clock call and i really wanted to meet autry at the airport but noooooo, her flight's delayed, so my dad's gonna meet her and bring her over to the theater. and i'm all jittery and shit and i have nothing to do but sit here and type so that's what i'm gonna do. type. type. i really don't have much to say because my brain's moving to fast for me to get any thoughts out and written down. my brain's moving about five times faster than my body and i have all this excess energy that's manifesting itself in the form of nervous habits. sikursbvsrnsuvoiusfubsrgibugrs. suiesbuivbsnuouxfjbbdvkuUI:u iuefb uf euibbua eubsbc b sefug ;iueruig efu b ufsdvu ru skufgr ouesru;oiszrhiofgub rsoihasdvgh ksdfuhasr ;g uosuiga kdxzgxduvhg sudfo usduvgh soudg sodfh iv M <--say my spazzing fingers. wow that felt good. hmmmm. whipped cream yummy. i should eat something. i should try yo slow down my thought process. it's been almost exactly three months since i last say autry. squee. everything's planned. me happy...oh so happy...except for the whole delayed flight thing. that make me mad. i hate my brain. it woke me up really early this morning and would let me go back to sleep for a really long time. hurrah...i have a job and 72 dollars because people are cool and i actually have two jobs and they're both part time but i make good money. and money can be a really good thing sometimes. for buying cool pins and getting me in places. dat's all i need it for. my mum sits here talking to me about george barnard shaw. hm...pygmalion. paz said she felt like a ditz for not making me official stage manager for those two shows. cuz i always end up feeling like i'm stage managing anyway. ladeda...i want autry to get here so i can have some fun. nervoustensionnervoustensionnervoustensionnervoustensionhave i been listening to take on me too much lately? subliminal messages get in my brain aagagaaaaaaaaaagh get them out!!! la. hm. what else will i write. toni you are silly. so there. and i hate my uteras. ergeshmerferner. of sourse i would get my period now. fuck my body. hm, yes do that. fun. except i'm bleeding from the crotch. some days i ate being a girl. then again i wouldn't want to be a guy either no matter how much you paid me but i'm tired of being as girly as i am i hate being girly. hate hate ate it. but there's nothing i can really do...not really...that's just kinda how i am as much as i try to always be tough and always be the strong one i still am such a girl. sdubvsiuvsbuvsuibrgsvuibfs. ergh. i will never ever ever ever ever write a song about sibbe. i ficking hate sibbie. hey stinkoman. did you just call me stinkoman? homestar you put your head back on right now. i tink i need to sleep. except not. cuz i can't. eat, maybe? marshmallows! whipped cream! it all started when i decided to drink thirty-two glasses of melonade. will and i will eat all the pound cake. yummy yummy. i really want some fresh strawberries with whipped cream right now. mmmmm yummy. yummy yummy. i like sweet stuff. and yummy stuff. and i'm hungry in case you haven't figured thst out yet. autry's birthday present is sitting right next to me. hm it's pretty. well actually it's in something pretty. she has a hot pink guitar. i got an 80 on her quiz the second time. hum de dum...damn autry's plane just get here already. raar. ergh. when i was in eighth grade our plane was delayed for an hour...we sprinted across the airport cuz our other plane had been late and then we got to the gate and the plane was delayed. so we played poker with my deck of cards and sat at the gate and then they moved us to another gate and all the people on that trip were bitchy. they ditched me in the holocast museum. xcufsbuvSDIBUvsdbuivesuibuirf. i hated them. i still do. ergh. hated hat school too. hm i thought the gms punks were the hardcorest thing ever...but i realize now that they really weren't. at all. they were preteen groupies of a sort...the rather cool sort, but stillgroupies. hm. i remember when i still talked to anna and she told me about rossi and stunt monkey. i wonder how she's doing now. i haven't seen her in over a year. oh well. whatever. mitchell park. that's where i had my...second kiss. i don't think the first one a few months earler was a dream. that was a weird night. disco ball spinning stars onto the wall like a nigth sky with no moon...that's what that night was cuz they had the disco ball and it was spinning and i looked at it and the bass was pounding through me and i was dancing with hannah and it was so beautiful and fun and completely unreal...the whole hannah thing in general seems unreal. merferschner. i think ima go eat now. maybe i stream of consciousness more later. my consciousnesss is screwed up. i loff you all. eeee autry be here soon!