and mar, it's yo leo in spanish.

i feel so out of touch. i left a note on your guestbook about it, but it's not just you. i feel out of touch with almost everybody. and i feel so invisible. i walk by people i consider my friends and they don't seem to see me. ::sigh:: why? why do i always end up being ignored? no matter what i do i always get ditched. i don't know why i try.

why do i feel so invisible lately?

so i'm curious. who is currently reading this? sign.

i just sent an email to p4t asking him to formal in drag. can't believe i'm actually going through with this. ::giddy::.

there's a cat stevens album playing over the stereo that i haven't heard in years and years because the turntable was broken. since i fixed it, nothing but records has been played in the house.

i suddenly have this need to own simon and garfunkel's america on record. there's is something about listening to that song while watching the album spin that draws me in. the one thing my parents' record collection lacks is simon and garfunkel. i looked through all three boxes of records and on the shelf. i even asked my mother. none to be found. is it possible to buy that song on a record anymore?

i have much to say but no way to say it. i go through these phases of feeling and seeing and being unable to put it into words. but this weekend was a great one.

::sigh:: driving around with car3y listening to america was the first thing in months to make me want my license. that night i talked to my parents about it at dinner and flat-out asked them if i could have the vw. surprise surprise, they said no. not safe enough. DAMN IT ALL. my dad's old vw is the ultimate shaggin wagon and i desperately want to drive it becaus it kicks ass. it's this 1964 volkswagen bus, painted blue-green and white, double-window with a bed in the back. original black-and-yellow license plate, AVA 692. hence her name, ava. i love that car. i want that car. i can't have that car.

i've had this fantasy of inheriting my dad's bus since i was little. i hoped that maybe if i proposed to my parents that i would save up money and get ava fixed, take good care of her and be a really good driver, they'd let me have her. i guess i knew all along it wouldn't happen. dad's reasons for not driving ava anymore were safety and pollution, and i can see his point, but of course he's not going to give me a car that is still just as unsafe and unclean.

damn it all. i want to hop in a car and just drive. sometimes when i grab the car keys off the hook by the door to get something out of the car, i get to the car and have this urge to get in the driver's seat, turn on the car, and drive away. i've driven before, just not very far or fast. i want to drive down an open road singing along to the radio. i want to go on a road trip. i love the warmth and stuffiness of a car in the sun, i love the road noise and the engine noise and i just want to go, to get away, to leave. i don't want to be here. i don't want to have a spanish project due tomorrow. i am confused and i want to get away right now. my father isn't home. i wonder if i could dig up a key to ava and go see if she starts. i'm really tempted to.