a million insane little kids, crazy quick changes, and conversations with hot girls later, i am still alive.

that's right, i talked to jessie. she's turning sixteen in july and goes to live oak. still dunno if she's straight or not but we talked some...she's really cool.

and i wouldn't have made it through the show without autry. i was dancing for her even though she wasn't there, and i wish she actually had been because the butterflies in my stomach were going like mad and she would've made it all so much better...but it all came off ok and i love you so much babe. i was thinking of you the whole frickin time.

i'm always dancing for you.

i came to the conclusion the other day that i spend the majority of my time trying to be the anything-est. smartest, strongest, funniest, whatever it is i always want it to be me and i want somebody to say to me 'you're the [something]est person i know' because i think my biggest fear is being just another anything, someone who fades into the crowd. but then when i get that -est recognition, i feel like i don't deserve it. like it's weird for me to actually be something, and to be the best at something, rather than trying for it. and my fear of blending in dictates so many things about my life. i think if i blend in i'll vanish completely. so i run around and am wild and crazy and don't try to hold back anything and then it earns me all these reputations that i don't think i deserve, whether they're good or not, because i am inside my head and can't see myself as other people see me. so it really shocks me when someone thinks i'm cool or interesting or goes out of their way to spend time with me. it shouldn't. and i should stop wishing for things i have, because that's just dumb, and i should stop striving to always be the best because i rarely succeed, and when i do it just bothers me. or i think about it way too much and end up feeling really self-absorbed. am i self-absorbed? if i am it's because i'm trying to work out what goes on in there, how i seem to the outside world. trying to get my body and my mind coordinated, which is nearly impossible to do.

and i've become such an exhibitionist, and a bit of an attention whore. i should really shut up sometimes, even if i end up feeling like a speck of dust. sometimes that's better than always having to get attention.

i swear i have every annoying habit my sister does, right down to the attention whoreishness. i really REALLY do not want to be like her.

and maybe i should sleep because this is making less and less sense.

i survived.

this morning...was awesome. woke up somewhere around 4:30, carey picked up me and toni and erica from toni's house and we drove around and got kat and cads and tamar and jessie carr (there are too many jessies now) and drove out to the duckpond, which was technically closed, to watch the sunrise. um...we never did see teh sun rise, but we blasted music and sat on a bench talking about cows and orgasms and chickens and miep and esme and toni did her cecelia jig and we made random chords...it was so beautiful.

and then we thought someone was coming so we ran back to the car and spent a while getting all the seats in place and then went to my dad's apartment so i could find my stoopid sailor outfit, and then the cafe for breakfats...and it wasn't even eight am. days are so much longer if you get up early.

which doesn't mean i'm going to start doing that.

i miss you.

you've got me spinning round and round, turning upside down...

i feel sick. stupid body, get your ass in gear. i've been sick for almost two months! but i don't think i'm really sick any more, i think my body doesn't want to eat and is protesting because i eat any way. dammit, my body is not supposed to rebel and develop its own eating disorders.

my life should kick arse. it will. maybe i'll be working at douce france with pierrick this summer.

and this sixteen-year-old french chick named lucille might be spending part of the summer with me. kick arse.

i will have a job, a life, friends, maybe a trip to visit autry, maybe a visit from her...

do NOT want to have to change into my sailor suit and sit for a long time outside while they hand out awards. class day is a stupid tradition that should be killed. i just want to be freeeeeeeeeeeee already.

but life is okay. i think.

i'm such a fucking ray of sushine, huh?

conclusions of the day:

1. i am simply not built to be skinny. end of story.
2. my bare legs are ugly
3. my feet are huge and even uglier
4. my body has serious issues. someone tell it to either (a) be hungry, or (b) stop trying to throw up when i force it to eat

but really it was a good day. the above were almost the only problems i had all day.

oh. AND. carey. calculator. tomorrow morning? i love you.

ok i'm high as a fucking kite...after a really crappy rehearsal too. it's amazing what a few words can do...and i wonder why i don't need drugs :-P

now. because i am bored as hell:

~You Stuff~
001. What is your name? iris
002. Spell your name backwards:siri. i think hannah used to call me that.
003. Date of birth: 07/02/87
004. Male or female? female
005. Astrological sign: cancer
006. Nicknames: vi, violet, sch1mandle, skirt snog, ir, anne boleyn, irsi, iris payrus, ee-rees, iri, pond scum, squid one, izras, lady iris the valiant
007. Occupation? theatre techie mostly
008. Height: 5' 5.5"
009. Weight: 130-ish i think
010. Hair color: blonde. boring as hell. the best part is the blue streak in front, but once summer hits i'm going to go crazy with it.
011. Eye color: trippy. blueish, with a smudge of brown in one. [sister: and green...and grey...]
012. Where were you born? san jose
013. Where do you reside now? yuppieland, suburbia.
014. Do you like where you live? sometimes.
015. Screen names: sciencefiction42
016. E-mail address: ias@got.net
017. What does your screen name stand for? well the 42 is from the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, it's the answer to life the universe and everything, and science fiction cuz that's what the hitchhiker's guide is.
018. What is your LJ name? well my blog address is english-muffin
019. What does your diary name stand for? "english muffins, mind you, not PUSSY!" --scho
020. Pets: penguins. in my head. other than that...bobbie richie, dead baby george the fifi, faggot, tiger's eye, random, stripey, ears, snowball, mr. pigglewiggle, fireball aka fuzzbutt aka buttfluff, rosie
021. Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake? 15
022. Piercings? none. maybe this summer.
023. Tattoos? noooooope. doodles all over though.
024. Shoe size: let's just say BIG
025. Righty or lefty? righty
026. Wearing: green paint pants, beat up converse, a shirt, tie line and safety pins and all that shit. and a blue lace bra.
*****BREAK**********
027. Hearing: cows with guns
028. Feeling: boink
029. Eating/drinking: air :-P
~Friends Stuff~
Which one of your friends is the....
030. Craziest? autry
031. Loudest? hm that's a hard one...autry...or caddie...or toni sometimes....actually scratch that, i think dave takes the cake.
032. Nicest? jillian, sara
033. Bitchiest? depends who's pissed at me
034. Life of the party? whoever starts spin the cellphone (semikidding)
035. Jock? dano
036. Prep? alison or maddie or any of the chicks in my class
037. Rebel? hm autry or alix
038. Cutest? autry or jessie lentz, but she's not really a friend.
039. Best friend of the same sex? dano
040. Best friend of the opposite sex? dave or mike, cuz i actually talk to them
041. Most popular? me! everyone loves me! except...no. idunno.
042. Rudest? har har. dave?
043. Most shy? emily
044. Dumbest? asha isn't my friend but i'll put her down anyway
045. Smartest? tamar. period. i think.
046. Weirdest? autry, dave, pat
047. Has the best hair? hm...okay a lot: pat when it's cool, autry, alix, toni right after she dyed it, jessie (both)...[sister: ME!!!!!]
048. Best personality? would i hang out with y'all if you didn't qualify?
049. Most talented? hmmm...a LOT. all my friends are talented, dammit.
050. Most ghetto? hahaha. i live in the suburban ghett-O. whitney likes to think she is. idunno.
051. Most spoiled? ASHA AND SARA
052. Drama queen? heh just read all our blogs. probably dano.
053. Pain in the ass? raar. dano, sometimes. autry others..not too often. [sister: ME! ME! ME!] wow...she was right for once.
054. Funniest? hehe it takes all of us together...seriously...funny stuff happens
055. Best advice giver? carey
056. Druggie? alex
057. Most likely to join a cult? my sister
058. Have you lost touch with a good friend recently? yeah
059. Person you've been friends with the longest? tara
060. How many friends do you have on your buddy list?like 180
~Guys/Love/Kissing/And Other Stuff~
061. Have you ever been in love? yeah
062. How many people have you told "I love you"?my friends...a lot...and autry.
063. How many people have you been in love with? current count is one, but i've thought differently in the past
064. How many people have you kissed? um 12
065. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? heeeelllllll nooooooooo. what do you think i am, one of those damn lesbians?
066. How many people have you dated? 2
067. What do you look for in a guy/girl? pretty, fun, funny, and yeah that connection
068. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? er really stupid a lot of the time. thick. matt savage.
069. What type of guy/girl do you usually go for? fucked up. i don't know how that always works out
070. Do you have a bf/gf? nope
071. If so where did you meet them? narnia. wait no, that's bad. i've been hanging out there lately (GIVE ME BACK THE WASHING MACHINE!). so neverneverland.
072. What do you like most about your bf/gf? don't have one
073. Do you have a crush right now? hehe hell yeah
074. If so who is it? jessie
075. Do you believe in love at first sight? lust yes, love no.
076. do you remember your first love? yeah
077. Who is the first person you kissed? hannah
078. Do you believe in fate? yeah, but it takes some work too
079. Do you believe in soul mates? hell yeah...autry babe you kick arse. I LOVE YOU.
080. If so do you believe you'll ever find yours? not in the future there...i already did
104. How many siblings do you have? 1
105. What are your parents names? jim and carolyn
106. What are your siblings names? kit/marguerite/magic feet/magoo/squid two
107. How many siblings does your mother have? 3.5
108. How many siblings does your father have? 7 (three of those are 6 step siblings)
109. Where are your parents from? california
110. Is your family close? yeah, but i'm much closer to my mum's side
111. Does your family get together for holidays? yup.
112. Do you have a drunk uncle? every single one is a drunk or an exdrunk
113. Any medical problems run through your family? everything from alcoholism to colon cancer
114. Does someone in your family wear a toupee? nope, i don't think
115. Do you have any nieces or nephews? invisible ones that terrorize me
116. Are your parents divorced? um no. it's fucked up.
117. Do you have step parents? no
118. Has your family ever disowned another member of your family? don't think so
119. If so for what? buttfluff
120. Did some of your family come to America from another country? like two generations ago...lebanon via canada
~Music Stuff~
121. What song do you swear was written about you or your life? a lot of them....but ruby tuesday and song about you and wasted lately
122. What's the most embarrasing cd you own? not easily embarrassed. bite me for liking savage garden.
123. What's the best cd you own? audio candy - atomic mint or one of my mixes
124. What song do you absolutely hate? SO many
125. Do you sing in the shower? and everywhere else
126. What song reminds you of that special someone? where is my mind by the pixies (thanks autry) and rock me by atomic mint

um.

i just finished a chem final in 55 minutes. why does this feel so wrong?

this is a week of finals and parties and pretty clothes and feeling pretty and hot girls and stoners and i never want it to end. except for the finals. those can go away. but other than that i am really happy, because i keep thinking oh i want...and realizing i already have it. yeah...i guess i'm just blind sometimes. but as of right now i am going to stop being blind and realize how fucking awesome my life is and that yes i am pretty and go have mad crushes on people and not be shy...this is my plan at least. now how will it play out? i don't know. all i know is that it's got to be better than being an angsty teen who really has no reason to whine.

rehearsal today. will try to get hot pictures of jessie with my uberspiffy camera so y'all can see her...cuz she is hot...and i need to spread the hotness a bit.

oh yeah and i love you autry. raar. i would jump on you cuz i'm a kitty but you're not here.

phwoosh. i hate summer weather.

deja vu. not sure why.

my night:

me: i am loved
me: it's so easy to be loved :-P
kat: yes, it's better than loving people
kat: it's nicer to be loved
kat: although both is good
me: both are nice.
me: but yeah i like being loved
me: it's all warm and fluffy
kat: like a bearskin rug
me: except that sounds icky in the summer
me: my mind says: like a bed. hm, bed. bed of doom.

cads: nice dinner?
me: yum. cold pizza and strawberries.
cads: ha.
cads: you're going to die.
me: why?
cads: well, we all are.
cads: but you ought to eat healthily.
me: strawberries are healthy
me: and i had a healthy smoothie earlier
cads: gaaah. fine.
me: hehe
me: ::rolls over to you:: hi caddie. i am going to die from obesity, no?
cads: yes.
me: good to know
me: might as well die happy then
---
cads: i'm bored.
cads: entertain me.
me: ::dances::
me: better?
cads: much.
me: yay
me: once upon a time there was a man named bob
cads: yes?
me: who lived in a lollipop forest
cads: how terribly interesting.
me: you make some up, i'm not the most inspired
cads: um. then the lollipops ate him, and said 'serves you humans right for eating us all these years' and took over the world. the end.
---
me: we should set up a lollipop liberation front
cads: we should!
cads: except we need to rename it.
cads: cos llf isn't very nice.
me: mmmm...no it's not
cads: hmm.
cads: can't think of anything.
me: working on it
me: united lollipop something-or-other
cads: united lollipop front, ulf. that's sort of pronouncable.
me: yeah
me: good
me: here's to the ulf!
cads: woohoo!

raar, okay, too much silliness to post all of. but i jump out of windows and eat phones and washing machines and fly around on brooms in narnia (which came up twice completely seperately) and am doomed and get shoved in closets and breaks things...all in all a good night. yay.

today i got out my parents camera and fooled around with all the controls and went around with no filn in the camera pretending to snap pictures just for the hell of it...i'm going to buy film today and shoot a roll to make sure the camera's still working and i'll take it to rehearsal tomorrow and at some point i'll get batteries and see if the external flash still works...i'm so excited about this whole i-have-inherited-the-artsy-camera thing.

jessie lentz: i like your costume.
me: thanks.
my brain: WHY DIDN"T YOU SAY SOMETHING ELSE?!?!?

(this happened about a week ago.)

i think i'm going to go down in history as the only person ever to write a totalitarian paper starting at 8 am the day it's due and hand it in on time.

i hope on time.

curent status: 2.5 hours left, 3.75/6 pages done. just less than 1/2 way through ideas (or somewhere around there. doin' pretty well.

gaaaah i hate my internet connection...it sucks monkeys' arses and i have to use my mum's stinky dialup line right now. hey at least i've got that though.

so there's this really cute girl at dance...jessie is so fucking cute...and on saturday i got this feeling she might have figured out i liked her...and i kept catching her looking at me...and we kinda smiled at each other a couple times...and i think she might like me too but i don't even really know this girl and i only have a week to fix that...well six days really...and she's adorable and i have no idea how old she is or if she's straight but i'm hoping...hey i get to spend time with her during rehearsals for the next week and i'm gonna get to know her and maybe just maybe this'll work out...but she's so incredibly squeeworthy and i'm really happy. cuz she's cute and might like me. and i'm going around in circles because she turns my brain to mush.

tomorrow when i'm in palo alto i need to get film for my parents' camera so maybe i can take some pictures of her...invent a class project or something...or just say i want to take some pictures for the hell of it...oh man i'm so excited for this week. normally i'm never this excited about final dance rehearsals but it gives me an excuse to hang out with her...oh man oh man oh man.

everyone come see my dance show. i need some moral support. june 7th, five pm, live oak high school in morgan hill. can probably give a few rides up to palo alto ish area as am heading up there after show.

hehehe i have a crush...i'm so happy...cross your fingers for me.