poke

don't interrupt me, i'm busy being spirited.

no, seriously.

i dressed up today.

and i just spent i don't know how long cheering for jessie and eleni and kristin and ashley and megan at the water polo game.

what's gotten into me?

nasty cuts

i'm in super burnout mode right now. my brain is so fried i don't even want to sleep. no lab data so can't finish the lab that's due today, and i don't think my brain can take slogging through an essay. nothign around me makes sense right now, it feels liek if i closed my eyes either i or the rest of the world would just float up and away. maybe that would be cool, to just float away from all this. from essays on gay love in the bible, from cue sheets that i have to memorize, from lab data that i left in a notebook at sjsc, from overwork and stree, especially the stress of interpersonal relationships. i don't know why relating to people is so hard for me, especially right now. i' so invisible and bound up in my shell that i can't talk, can't notice people noticing me without large amounts of surprise. i hate my voice. i hate the dumb things i say. i want to be witty and be able to talk without feeling like i sound like a fucking idiot the second i open my mouth.

in short, i'm not very happy.

i can't take another heartache

i think i'm going to dump niki. it's gotten completely ridiculous. toni came and kidnapped me during lunch today and i saw niki and we didn't even kiss, i barely got a hug out of her, she doesn't even like being around me anymore. she doesn't make any effort to be either. it's really fucking depressing. and i've actually been calling her, trying to hang out with her, which were her two major gripes. this is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. we go to school two blocks away from each other and can't manage to hold together a goddamn relationship.

fuck this.

and it bugs me that she'd rather be with anyone but me. i know i've said this before, but even though we almost never see each other, when we do she's always running off and talking to the people she sees every fucking day.

and i'm completely and thoroughly fed up. i can only take so much stupid mindfuck.

now i just need to find a chance to talk to her.

working girl

so i got another job, working stage crew for buddy: the buddy holly story at san jose stage company. yeat again i'm teh youngest on crew...by a year this time...but it's all cool. everyone at sjsc is completely insane. i'm taking over for this guy who's getting fired for being a flake only he didn't know he'd been fired yet last night so he showed up half an hour late after i was already being trained to take his job and thought he was going to be working under we and we didn't want to tell him he was out cuz it wasn't our job...and when meredith took him outside to tell him, before she could say anything he said 'so, i can't work next wednesday at all' which would have screwed them over if i hadn't come in and was the very last straw...he's out, i'm in. my job backstage is a lot more difficult that seagull...i have the curtain, two lights, and a lot of big set changes behind the curtain while scenes are going on out front.

and somehow getting out of briana's truck last night i managed to cut my knee by running my backpack into it. and now for some inexplicable reason it really really hurts.

caddie's a geek

...or at least more of a geek than i am. i'm 37.08087% geek - therefore a 'major geek'. hehehehehe.

the answer is forty-two. need i say more?

tengo ranas en mi ropa interior!

may the light always find you on a dreary day.
when you need to be home, may you find your way.
may you always have courage to take a chance,
and never find frogs in your underpants.
--scandanavian blessing

english muffins, mind you, not pussy

muffin muffin muffin life is way to damn confusing...i get too little sleep and then fly off teh wall and yell granola! penguin! ninja! i want to be a ninja. i also want to be able to fly. and i want cheesecake cheesecake cheesecake. yum. grilled cheese for lunch today...my favorite. am i hungry? noooooo of course not. just going a little insane. spent free period talking to caddie...triple-yaoy and a careyal - whoop! and fomfy fomfy goodness. fliers and signup sheets and military time! alpha bravo charlie delta echo foxtrot golf hotel india juliet kilo lima november oscar papa quebec romeo sierra tango uniform victor whiskey xray yankee zulu. i still remember the alphabet, rejoice rejoice. and i can add. oh my! lions and tigers and bears! raar. whot to do what to do? only i know...only i can decide...this moose is a confused moose. a very confused moose. and hey, what can i say? some people are just talented. hahahahaha. tooooooni i miiiisssss you. my toni bunny. PENGUIN! and autry. autry kitty. tom. talk to me. mrowr. kitty here...kitty confused too. kitty say i am stupid human. am i? i don't know. yeah. probably. so are many others. there's no joy with out the pain it's the pain that makes us strong but sometimes it's just so hard to carry on. i still have the notebook i wrote that in when autry was here and i found it the other day and i think i wrote some more stuff...there's a lot in it. i feel so weird on campus. i am a sore thumb. i stick out like one. psycho psycho psycho. and you know what's craziest? i like it. i like the short hair and teh funny looks and muahahahaha some people need to lighten up. cece is funny. article? huh? everyone just forget already. i want to run away to maine and kidnap my lo and bring her back and i haven't returned lolita to kat yet. but dreadlocked beauties are not like lolita, not at all. i want a pancake. a big one with blueberries and raspberry syrup and chocolate sauce and i want some chocolate chips and HEY! you have my chocolate chips. hey, i can do html in stream of consciousness. oh yeah, feel the dork vibes. dork! no you're a dork! MUFFIN! ORGASM! HANDCUFFS! i don't know what i'm saying...i'm just sitting here typing and typing and this is probably really silly but i don't give a fuck woot woot life is weird, i am weird, you are weird, i'm going to miss maryah when seagull is over because she's gay and knows way to much about shakespeare and has a cool girlfriend and talks about theatre stuff and takes tech naps...so many good times backstage, man. platforms and fights with josh...i think the fights with josh are the best...and when liz got stuck in her chair...now THAT was priceless. you knwo what word i hate? priceless. and i've used it twice. arrrrrrrrrgh! i miss lauren. and anoush. and niki. and reid. but niki and reid are here, i just never see them. damn damn damn damn damn my school for keeping me penned up here like a dumb dumb prisoner. dress whites and pleated skirts and skirts in general and preps and bubbles and the circle and i feel suffocated, but i don't think it's necessarily castilleja that's suffocating me, i think it;s just my life in general. why? i don't know. like a lot of things. that's always my answer, i don't know. i don't know what you should do. i don't know doesn't automatically mean no. and yet i am yaroslavl the wise. did i spell that right? why? yet again i don't know. i never want to stop typing. i never want to go home and write an essay on the bible and come back and tomorrow i have history math spanish physics gay lit and only two of them i don't like...math and spanish can suck my cock. i just don't want to do ANY of them anymore, really. i need a nice long vacation. liek another summer, maybe. and i will sleep rest eat goof off hang out downtown on the streets with my beautiful girls and my favoritest gay boy and everyone else and we will be invincible and it will never have to end but oh damn, that can't happen. it's impossible. so i guess i'm stuck here some more. with school spirit. oh yeah, it's spirit week. can i just say I DON"T CARE?! well that's what i'm doing, more or less. one pece of clothing, maybe an accessory. i hate that word too. and i can't help it that my bracelet is purple. bleh. class color. shoot me now. not because it's purple, just because i don't really like being all that spirited...i dont' hang otu with my class all that much...it would be more fitting to wear red or green or even orange than PURPLE. i had something to say just now...what was it...oh yeah, i like looking somewhat boyish, even if i don't really. just much much more than i used to. and i really like it. i like short hair baggy pants big tshirts and my dyke necklace. i like flaunting who i am, because if i don't then nobody sees it and i am eeven more invisible. invisibility. that's my problem. i'm either completely invisible or way too visible. but much more often the first. or at least it feels that way. which is why i was so so so surprised to meet a girl who was a semmie and knew my name from talking to paz...who had apparently been extolling my stage manager-ly virtues...and then i saw the same girl again after i cut my hair and she didn't recognise me but she knew neil and i introduced myself ande she said OH! i remember you, you just look different now and heeeeeey...i wrote about this already. anyway. muffin. many of them. and ice cream. raspberries are yummy. i ate an orange after school today, and yes i know oranges are not the only fruit but i have been madly in love with oranges for a very olng time. maybe one day i will marry and orange. do you, orange want to get married? whats' that? speak up. i can't hear you! it's hard to take wedding vows when one is an inanimate object. so i'll just eat my soulmate orange. yum. soulmates. i wonder if i believe in soulmates anymore...i've become so cynical...i think it's doing bad things to me. this is how i feel. i am a ghost. who ya gonna call? ghostbusters! i did a dance to that once...dance dance dance. i was a boy and my sister was a girl. even then we had switched roles. a long long time ago she was the tomboy and i was girly. and now look where we are. hannah calls me butch. my sister calls me butch lesbian man and simpers around in skirts. eeeeewwww. i steal her decent clothes but they are too tight not because she is skinniers, she isn't, but because she wears tight clothes. ick. however she is infinitely cooler than i was as a freshman, so i guess i have to cut her some slack. must check a train schedule now so i can go visit my penguins at the south pole and the blue ones in new zealand and they will adopt me and train me to be an invisible ninja penguin with a water-balloon-launcher and then all teh militaries of teh world will want my skills. muahahahaha. i have a bruise on my knee from fighting with brad but it was like being in a pit which is good because i need one right now sooooooo much. so very much. i want to fight fight figth beat teh crap out of people take out my aggression on them get bruised and have them NOT GIVE A FUCK. cuz that's what i really need. it is. because it's (a) crying, which i can't, (b) cutting, which i'm trying not to, or (c) fighting with people who don't mind. so i need c. i dont' want to see teh blood dripping dripping dripping bright red and tangy...i like it too much ina morbid sort of way. i have to have more control than this, mr kitty. i have to. kate is inside me, looking out. does she like who i've become? who know. man sweat! remember? maybe not...maybe none of you were there...and i spent the night at niki's last nigth and we stayed up all night being random and crazy and we've been goign out for over two months now and it's so dysfunctional i don't know what to do. wat to do?

we're off to see the penguins, the wonderful penguins of oz as we careen peudo-drunkenly across the circle toward our camels so we can hitchhike off into the mantua sunset...except of course we're not in italy so we don't have special issue hitchhiker camels, they only have those on teh route from verona to mantua during selected seasons. waves and waves of confusion liek the ocean but what is the moon that is causing them? how many moons do i have? people tell em i'm beautiful, the mirror tells me so too sometimes, but mostly it tells me otherwise. who to believe?

life's just one big question.

catch a train to see te penguin of your choice, ride far away from everything that is stifling you, and be your own person. ride your own camel. hitchike out of maine on a camel if you have to.maine is like mantua because lauren is exiled there...wait by that analogay i should hop on a camel to go see her. except camels are slow so i would never get there.

must. go. will. miss. train.

but i like typing. don't want to stop.

CAMEL!

beautiful

it's not every day i get told i'm beautiful.

thank you.

more ubiquitous than you know

my list of people is growing as i discover the online presence of the palo alto crowd...i haven't counted lately but i think there are over forty links now, maybe.

people recognise me. neil says i'm 'more ubiquitous than [i] think.' what happened? i don't know. suddenly i'm worth noting. people remember.

and hey, it's cool.

i'm thinking it all the time

oh. my. god.

camels?!?

kat: but isn't it what she wanted? to be kicked out?
me: she has no way to get to mantua.
kat: she could hitchhike!
me: people who picked up hitchhikers then were just as sleazy.
kat: ...but camels go slower!
me: camels?!? they're in ITALY!