blogger's been a bitch lately. about every other post it loses.

grrrr.

'Dear Iris

Thank you for your application to the Rock 'n' Roll Camp for Girls, June 16-21, 2003. Unfortunately as space and resources are very limited, we regret we are unable to accept your application at this time. We are working to secure enough funding to be able to accept more girls in the future, so please apply again next year so that we might have another opportunity to work with you.

In the meantime, we have added your name to a waitlist for this summer's camp, and will contact you if a space opens up.'

'dear rock 'n' roll camp,

i hate you. do you know how much this meant to me? and do you really think anyone is going to apply and then not go? fuck you very much.'

there's my answer. i didn't get in.

i'll find some way to get up there this summer, even though apparently i'm not going to camp.

then again, i didn't get into castilleja either. maybe i'll be lucky. ::knocks on wood::

but in the meantime...fuck. i was really looking forward to that.

dano, any chance i could pose as you if you can't go?

i really need to stop sitting on my ass and look for a summer job. after months of planning and such i finally asked natti about some kind of summer job, and she said yes but there probably won't be much work so it's super super part time...but it's there.

but it also means i need to find another job.

i wonder if i emailed paul if he needs another summer tech, even though he's already got steve. somehow i doubt it.

suggestions, anyone?

fuck blogger. i just wrote this post and it's being dumb. so i'll have to try to remember what i wrot.

it feels so good to have a blue streak in my hair again. being a blonde got really boring.

am much more grounded after talking to autry on the phone. don't think is just coincidence. you rock and i love you.

and am not having so much trouble with this now. it got really bad for a while there today but now it's waning again, and i have a better idea of what's going on.

autry mentioned the picture of my parents at their wedding and i looked at the piano to see if it was there and it had fallen over. really symbolic.

escaping off into sleep again, if my sore throat permits. fuck i hate being sick.

honey i want to know where you are tonight and why you're not here with me holding me tight...

somebody please tell maddy i'll help with her comments. she seems to not read this anymore.

fuck blogger. it just lost a post.

i was reading through my grandfather's account of his life for my fucking spanish project...and i came to this: '...my daughter carolyn and her two daughters: iris, whom i call the princess, and kit, whom we call magoo.'

::laughing:: oh man i love my grandpa...or loved...he died five years ago.

of course he forgot to mention that he also called me iris papyrus, complete with song to match.

so. i'm starting therapy, i don't know when. not sure how much faith i have that it will work, but maybe it'll help. i need someone to bitch at who can maybe figure out what's wrong. i have this urge to go talk to my mother and tell her what's goingon, if only so i can get out of things. but i don't want her to get worried about me and/or not let me do stuff.

sarah suggested i move out for a few weeks to get a break at least from them...i think that would help so much but i don't know where i'd go.

i've hid the safety pin. cutting free for...two hours?

i really thinking i'm cracking. pretty seriously. all the fucking stress and things i've tried to block out in my life and all the times i've tried to be tough have come around and bit me in the ass.

to live my life now, i have to get out of here.

to live my life in the future, i have to stay here.

fuck.

i wonder if the drugs were part of the reason for my parents' first split up.

was i hallucinating that i wrote a long email last night? i can't find it anywhere now.

it's nice to know that my blood is still flowing.

is it salvation or an escape from discontent? will she find her name in the california cement?

my computer was playing 'westbound sign' by green day, and i heard that line and all of a sudden i though of autry and how we found 'autry lives' written in the cement of the emerson sidewalk.

to quote speak, i look like i just arm wrestled a rose bush.

that isn't my arm.

i feel just a little bit guilty because i swore i wouldn't do this.

but at the same time my arm at least feels fucking alive.

the pain makes me feel real. more real than anything else right now. there's no blood, just a network of little scratches on my arm. i think it's probably a good thing i don't have anything sharper than a safety pin right now.

i always wondered if my father was a druggie in my early life. i had a feeling he probably was, in fact i was almost sure.

then i was talking to my sister last night and found out he was a druggie till i was nine.

fancy that.

my entire life is falling apart around me and i'm just sitting here watching it happen.

if it's taken this long for my letter to come from portland, then chances are my application didn't get there on time.

ergh.

mitchell sent home a progress report today. i'm hiding it.

i'm beginning to wonder if they got my application on time... ::knocks on wood::

maddy: i might be able to fix it, if you let me into your template.

and damn my inbox that continues to display that i have 56 worthwhile messages.

i'm trying to remember what time the mail usually comes and therefore whether it's worth checking right now.

sometimes i hate living in the middle of nowhere. damn mail that takes forever.

my sister reads comment about doodling on people's pants on kat's blog over my shoulder.

kit: oh it's all the time at my school. we doodle on each other's panties...did i just say panties? oops.

add obsessive-compulsively checking the mailbox to my current email addiction and state of slight mental disaster and you have one very unproductive girl.

it doesn't help that i have two essays and a final paper to write tonight or three different teachers will have my head on a platter...i don't think there's quite enough head to go around.

very very tired of being tough and checking out on life. i want to get back into it, but i don't know how.

happy (very belated in some cases) birthdays to: carey, jessie, toni, maddy, and caddie. woohoo!

my eyes are tearing up because they just do that when i get tired, but i'm trying to force myself to turn it into real crying. i think that's what i need, why i want to get hurt, because i know in some way the tears will make it better. there's a tear haning at the corner of my right eye, but i can't get it to drop, or another one to form. instead, this feeling of needing to cry will turn into desperation adn a headache like all the others.

my spanish final paper is due in less than twelve hours, and i haven't evenstarted it. i know if i put it off till tomorrow i'll lose an entire grade, but i know if i don't do it right now, tonight, it will probably be enough better to make it worth it, so i think i'll go sleep.

i sleep to much. or attempt to sleep too much. it's my escape, which probably really isn't healthy.

but i can deal with that later. escaping now.

i don't feel like myself. i've locked myself in an emotion bubble and i look out at the world through its clear walls, watching everyone else go about their everyday lives. whose life am i living? i can't remember now. it doesn't matter, i've been living it for too long. i want so badly to bust out and get really involved with what goes on around me. i think i just analyze things way too much, and am inherently afraid of being hurt. whatever it is, i can' figure out my own reasons for doing anything anymore. it's like someone else is moving my body and i'm watching the movie of my life from the outside as it unfolds, completely improbable.how is it possible to feel this detached from a life that is supposed to be mine? if people left right now i wouldn't feel it. i wouldn't shed a tear. that's not a plea for you to leave, i really don't want you to. simply a commentary on how much i feel like i'm observing from behind glass sometimes.

is this ...wow i lost my train of thought.

but is this the way it's doomed to be? because of one relationship last year, will i always be stuck in this?

and i'm turning into such a self-pitying basketcase despite all my efforts not to. but all i want is to crack my shell and get rid of the headache and the worry and have some fun. and not have to worry about whether i seem pretentious or dumb or stuck-up or standoffish or any of the other ten million things i worry i am.

erblegh.

to lighten the mood a bit...i don't know how funny this really is out of context, but whatever. it was fucking hilarious a few nights ago.
caddie: said girl also being subject of the 'moo, i love you' post?
me: just a bit
me: ::laugh::
caddie: right on.
caddie: i don't know where that moo came from.
me: your subconsciouscow fetish.
caddie: naturally. cos you know i'm so keen on cows.
me: oh yes.
me: oh baby oh baby
caddie: i want them, i need them.
me: we're out of order.
caddie: i know.
caddie: that's ok. we can pretend.

apparently i've been having an asthma attack for a week now. who'da thunk it.

fuckety fuck. i think i'm still (or once again) sick. must...sleep...

i had a dream last night. you and i were together, in a coffee shop, and i don't remember much except that you told me i was beautiful and we held hands and it felt exactly the same, and i woke up thinking about you.

and then i looked at the clock and realized it was five a.m.

i'm so tempted to throw the rules out the window and live my life the way i want to live it. i'm tired of having things dictated by other people.

lately i've been alternating between walking on a fucking cloud and feeling like a fool. now is somewhat one of the latter because i have no conversational skills whatsoever, not to mention social skills in general. i say and do stupid things because i don't know what else to do. and i don't have the courage to go out on a limb, to make the first move. i like to think i do. i like to think i could pick up and leave and never look back and go have fun, and maybe i could...i just don't have the courage to try. right now the sky is gorgeously cloudy and for the first time in days i can't really feel you in my head. it's getting harder. what happened? after all you've said...is it turning out to be all me? i have this completely unfounded fear that i'm making a fool of myself, falling for you this way. it feels so beautifully right and some days i think i feel your heart in mine...and then i realize that somehow i've lost you. if i ever go too far...if you ever change your mind...please tell me so i'm not laboring under some misapprehension. i love you. i want to be there for you. but if you don't love me, i could get over it. i don't want you to ever have to say something to keep up some facade, to make me feel good. i want the rain to fall so i can stand in it and get soaking wet and realize that life isn't always all i want it to be, but that it's good and i do have a purpose and a point, much as it feels i could vanish into the woodwork and no one would notice the difference. i have less reason now to feel inconsequential than i ever have before, so why do i feel like it's all some big mistake? and why can i smile and be happy and not let it affect anything when other people say silly things and if anything respect them more for being so wild and crazy, and not let myself make a single mistake? i live in a box that i've been trying to break out of for a while now. i keep thinking i've broken through and then realize i haven't. i want to be free to do what i damn well please.

what i want right now...is to say i love you. there. i said it.

i feel so socially inept.

my exgirlfriend just got dumped using the same line she used on me last year...much as i feel sorry for her i'm almost glad it's come full circle.

i'm really uninspired right now which is a bad thing because i have two essays and a story to write.

my email addiction is becoming rather silly. but it's worth it sometimes, because once i wade throught the junk maybe there will be a message from someone...but other times there isn't and i sit there neurotically checking my email and wish there were.

last night dad and i ended up at denny's at three a.m. after light strike, it was so vaguely reminiscent of amy's view, except that there weren't twenty-three of us. hash browns and scrambled eggs at denny's in the wee hours of the morning are a wonderful thing.

so are sushi picnics in the middle of parking lots. you guys kick arse.

and caddie...all i can say is knock on wood. hehe.

i recognize that the voices in my head are telling me to be myself and never follow someone else... damn you carey!

i want to put on loud music, but my father is asleep.

damn the man!