feel a little unsteady

the hyperness of earlier today has passed, leaving me exhausted and drained. things revealed and connections made will pass in time, like everything else. why should i care? i want to give blood tomorrow. in part it's a test, to prove to myself that dammit i am strong enough to let them stick a needle into me. that i am a good enough person. that really, once and for all, i am not afraid of it. i used to say i had gotten better but who was i fooling? watching the blood come out of my arm is some bizarre twisted rite of passage prescribed by some unknown section of my brain. something i have to do. something that will save someone's life. and that's a funny thing to think of, saving someone's life. having an effect in this world i dont seem to belong to.

and when they stick the needle in my arm i'll be thinking of you.

creature of the night

he past few days have been so up and down i'm about to scream. i think i'm cracking up. school, today, turned out to be hilarious.

phys, talking about time travel and the grandfather paradox
rupa: but what if you went back in time and couldn't do anything?
lindsay: you can't take away people's freedom
rupa: i wasn't trying to!
mr lynch: ...i don't think she was accusing you of being a totalitarian regime

lindsay: time travel, michael j fox style.
mr lynch: but then you've got to climb in a delorean and that's just depressing.

and bible
buch: is it an imaginary or a real number of sheep?

love letters? this is getting too strange. rekha just delivered a card to me, inside which is written one of the sweetest letters i have ever recieved. and i have an idea as to who might have written it but i don't know for sure. i've never recieved an anonymous love letter before. too crazy...

whoa i forgot i was updating this. anonymous love letters and hot girls in livermore saying 'if you're in love with me i wouldn't mind.' i. am. a. confused. moose. [this moose is an emo moose! teehee.] and a moose cracking up. oopsy. neuroses, neuroses. i've been listening to 'drain the blood' on repeat again and have come to the conclusion that it's a mood amplifier...last night it made me more pissy and i liked it and today it's making me more giddy and i love it. i think the casti girls must think im crazy. typing and silently singing along with a half-smile-smirk-sneer sort of expression on my face. wheeeeee. guitar chords, here i go again. i'm living on shattered faith...

what does one do? my brain is overloaded. bye, sanity.

teehee. mississippi.

brody. is. really. hot.

eyes tearing up.

emotional roller coaster? oui.

touchatouchatouchatouchme...i wanna be diiiirty

i have a narsty habit of falling for people i can never have.

i just bitched out a stupid boy who wants to sleep with me

i can't stand myself sometimes and i can't stand other people sometimes right now i can't stand anybody. i want to scream. FUCK OFF AND DIE DAMMIT. times like these i want to get high because it seems like a good idea...i don't know maybe i should track down my crazy stonerass friends. whatever. i really hate the world right now. i'm sitting here mesmerized by footage of brody looking superhot and i am not myself i am a kitty mrowr dont mess with me i have claws. seriously fuck off right now because chances are i hate you and want to bitch you out...touch me and you will die. DIE. dammit fuckety fuck fucking fuck. FUCK. i really like that word it's so satisfying to yell. im listening to 'drain the blood' on repeat asnd generally hating the world. stupid bitchass cunts. fuck you too i hate you all. the stupid im sounds piss me off but i cant turn them off without turning off computer sound. fuck this. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK i wasnt to hurt i want to bleed i want to take out my anger on myself so maybe it will go away. muffin. FUCKNUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

these stars don't shine

i went back to school yesterday after being absent for nearly a week and in every class people were happy, they said 'we thought you'd fallen off the face of the earth! if you were out today, we were going to come to your house with a get well card! i hope you don't have mono.' et cetera. who knew half of them noticed or cared that i was even in the class?

i will be the first to admit that i have a horribly skewed view of the world around me, particularly as relates to me. but what can i do about that? i am who i am. and i'm stuck with this brain that i have, these problems. i never see myself as being pretty/hot, remarkable in any way, or even there. and then i'm gone and i miss people but i'm sure they don't miss me because who would miss me? and then i come back and classmates i barely talk to are coming up to me and asking me where i've been, what i have. the dean of students discusses my hair with the one class she teaches. it's all so strange. yesterday someone told me that i'm magnetic. and i don't see it. i know people who could definitely be described as such, but i am not one. i have no social skills whatsoever, so i'm always surprised when people seek out my company. she went on to say that part of the attraction was that i didn't seem to care, which is oh-so-true because if i don't see it, how could i care about it? the world is a strange entity, it exists entirely outside of me and i exist entirely outside of it. i'm not used to people noticing my presence, or i don't expect it, because i don't feel present. i can walk along the street and see people and forget that they see me to, i can feel like i fly, i can be in my head spinning and spinning and spinning and to a passerby i am just a teenager sitting there. reality? psh. so out of touch. and you know what hapens when i'm out of touch, i'm suddenly convinced that i could do a lot of things that could result in bodily harm and it won't affect me. i walk along the street and contemplate jumping in front of that car for the experience. because hey, i've never been hit by a car before. i climb on top of a deserted builing in the middle of the night and wonder what it would be like to jump off. and consequently i don't trust myself, because i know if i let myself go anything could happen.

camwhore

remembered today that the school has digital cameras one can borrow. one ugly mug.

kiss me!

i don't have mono.

feeling small

i listened to the song and i thought of you. on a whim i picked up the phone and called and you weren't home. he didn't recognise my voice because i'm sick. i had to tell him who was calling. then i sat and played mindless computer games and waited for the phone to ring, singing along to ani and thinking about all the times you've bitched me out about how i don't talk to you. i was going to talk. maybe if i talk i can get it all out of my head where it's driving me crazy. i don't want to sleep but i hate being awake. my pillow scares me. the shadows in my room from when i was seven, the room that has barely changed, they oppress me, press me down into the soft mattress until i can barely breathe and i try to cry out for mercy. but have you forgotten? i can't cry. boots do nothing against the monsters that haunt me. my eyes open wide and i see the faintly lit numbers click off the minutes on my alarm clock. click. twelve thirty. click. twelve thirty-one. click. maybe i should read something. click. they will eat me. click. what's that shadow? click. i like the dark. click. i don't want to turn on the light. click. click. why can't i sleep? click. i want someone to fall asleep with. click. click. click. eventually i drift off and the next morning find myself tangled and sweaty in the blankets as i jerk awake, my legs still paralyzed from sleep, convinced that i have overslept, i have forgotten something. start the day off with an adrenaline rush. rinse and repeat. promise myself i'll work and then feel the leadenness settling back over me and i sit back passive and take it all in until i want to scream get me out of here. talk to me. do something so i know you're there. touch me so i know i'm here. and no one speaks, no one reaches out, and i sit there. immobile. if i don't speak will i someday not be able to? so i resolve to speak. try to speak. and two sentences in i clam up, silent until the next attempt, the screaming intensifying until i can barely hear. if i talked, i would talk to you. but i talk to no one.

and then i call you up on the phone and a few minutes are passed in idle chatter about illness and boys and girls and school and behind it all is what i mean to say but it never comes out.