what in heavens name have you done

i woke up this morning from a dream that i was locked in a room with a bunch of carnivorous ants that were trying to eat my feet and there was no way i could escape from them. the only thing i could do was try to knock them off as fast as they climbed on me. and whoever was locked in the room with me was laughing.

tear me down

oh lordy. i am such a space cadet. i keep missing trains and buses because i think i remember the time but i don't actually and i don't have enough energy to look anything up or get anything done and time just sorta passes me by. not flipping out just spacing out. i cannot concentrate. on anything. not on this not on homework not on people not on places not on schedules i get a headache. will not get sick till after fomf. will not get sick at all. will ignore fact that throat hurt like a bitch this morning. will ignore a lot of other things too. productive? maybe not. probably not. definitely not. i want lo to email me back. i miss her. i was in love with her once...this is what happend when i freewrite when i'm not in control i start telling people things about myself i break down and i'm breaking down physically and mentally and do i even know what love is? i should talk more except nobody wants to hear what i have to say. i cant talk. it hurst. not physically. nothing comes out. what does come out is mangld and unintelligible. why am i doomed to ove people i can never see? autry lo katie. at least katie is in the state i love her. but i don't get to see her any more than the people who aren't in the state and she was my first do you know that? i said it was lost but it wasn't, just pushed slightly away, that night was the night and she was the one and she was wonderful. i wish i could arrive at a nice balance of functionality and sanity and stay there comfortably without any of this crap but i dont because it makes life more interesting makes me more interesting because really i am a boring person. uberboring. and invisible to boot. hello? bubble. you there? of course not. i want you. i want to talk to you. does this count as need yet. it counts as i need to get to the train to dance but i dont eat enough im dizzy this sucks. please, brain. function. that's all i ask.

running just to be on the run

i had a dream last night that i'd transferred out to mountain view because my parents couldn't pay my casti tuition anymore, and emmalinda was there only i kept calling her amanda for some reason, and i was wearing these cheesy-ass old purple overall-short-things i used to wear when i was like eight and they were so small they kept giving me a wedgie. i woke up freaked out and with more of a will not to leave than ever before [but now i miss emmalinda. and she doesnt even go to mountain view. my subconscious is on crack.]

wishing and hoping

i wish i were pretty. i wish i didn't have a headache. i wish i didn't have schoolwork. i wish i had an interesting life.

most of all i wish i appreciated what i have.

there is this bubble of stagnant air around me that follows mw wherever i go and i feel so trapped in it, so static. looking out on the world. i don't feel anything. i don't feel alive. this is why i used to cut. but i can't i can't cut. i won't. i need to find some other way of breaking the shell breaking the illusion before i slip lose control do something stupid.

in a way i hate the feeling of not knowing what's going to come out of my mouth next.

and in a way i love it. for once i do not think too much, i am not predictable.

but really i should never ever feel this woozy and crappy for no good reason.

i watch i observe i see all of you but do you see me?

x rated dreams

fuck shit whoa girl you're driving me crazy...i really need to see katie more man oh man i do especialy when we have conversations like this. yum sex. mmmm. yeah...scheduling and living with parents can suck my cock. im so sick of this fucking bullshit. oh well. seventeen months.

events lately have pointed out to me how much i actually like my school. sure, spects of it my drive me completamente loca, but in general i dont want to leave, and there's a chance that i might have to if my parents cant scrape together the money for next year. everyhting is suddenly so immediate and im having to reevaluate things...i dont want to leave before my time.

i was thinking today about how maybe im going to portland sometime and i remembered how autry once had a dream about living together in a dorm at reed...ah those were the days. kinda. these are the sadder-but-wiser days. things pop up at the most random times. memories that other people have probably forgotten all about.

i am neurotic about remembering everything.