ye gods i just wrote a beautiful long stream of consciousness post that i REALLY LIKED and it got deleted. arrrrrrrrrgh. i hate this keyboard.

SWORDFIGHTING!

a duel

i have a horrible urge to go spend my money on a terribly expensive but all natural organic and absolutely delicious sadnwich.

the miserly side of me says no.

reunion

i went back to ctc last night, and was mobbed by a crowd of people. jon, after a dismissive 'i saw you recently' gave me a big hug, karen covered the side of my face she could reach with kisses, dave picked me up, everyone yelled at me for leaving. it was so nice to be back there, hauling ice chests and joking around and being the official keeper of the gaff tape. during the green show it was dark, so pat was lighting it with a flashlight. during a short break he came running down to wear i was sitting, handed me the flashlight. 'spot us, iris.'so i did. most of my friends are iits now...it's really strange to see emmalinda and jon and pat and karen in the green show, or being in charge of little kids.

but i stand by my decision to leave. i'm getting to help out festival opening and strike, so it's all good.

have realized something. boys like pat and jon don't flirt with me because as far as they're concerned i'm one of the guys. i'm serious. i don't look, talk, act, or dress like any of the other girls. i don't swoon over boys and throw myself at the ones that are around. plus, there's the whole liking girls thing. so, rather than being a girl, suddenly i become one of them. and you know what? i really like it. the boys i know make really great friends. and they're really funny to talk to about girls. we'll get in arguments over who's hot. we'll joke around about it.

and yet every so often i'll notice a boy watching me and wonder why. i don't try to be attractive to guys like the nine million straight girls around. so why look at me?

just lovely

and now my blog won't publish.

update of sorts

i've sort of moved out -- am coming back only two nights a week. am bery tired of being used as a communication path between parents and having parent two pump me for information about parent one. this is why i prefer not to live with parent two. number two knows about niki -- semi-inferred and then i told her. whatever. am a bit worried about future sleepover possibilities. other than that...nothing much. letter from niki, crazy four-person dance class (will be so sore tomorrow) and no clue as to rehearsalness for the two shows i am supposedly involved in. note to r+j-ers: rehearsals are moving to my dad's apartment while paz is out of town.

bad thing about moving out: will not be getitng niki's letters very promptly. mum says she'll send them up with kit, but what about when kit's not here either? gaaaaaaaaaah.

think i'll go shower and sleep and stuff now.

argh!

just my luck that reel big fish and the gossip would be playing san francisco the same night, huh? and it's a tuesday of all days. why??????????

smiracles

i got off the light rail today and it was raining. raining, on the last day of july. it was wonderful. i then proceeded to get on the bus, decide i was on the wrong bus, and get off, only to realize that i had been on the right bus afterall, then walk across the street, down a block, and back across that street. in the rain. it's been way to long since i stood out in the rain.

unfortunately, by the time i got home it had stopped raining.

and the title of this was supposed to be 'small miracles.' somehow my brain turned that into 'smiracles' as i was typing....so smiracles it will be. sounds kind of like smores...sort of...

oh! for anyone who reads this but not ingrid's blog: gossip show, tuesday night, bottom of the hill in san francisco. will be kickarse fun so come with us!

how strange

apparently, according to the spark, i am most definitely a man.

slut!

i am 52% slut. how did that happen?

and 252 women agree that clea duvall is SEXY and i know not all of them were me.

good things about my house:
-more privacy
-no bedtime
-all my beautiful cats
-a garden full of fresh tomatoes

this is why, last night, when my mother asked me if i wanted to move out, i said no.

i never thought that would be my answer. i thought i'd jump at the chance to get the fuck away from her and this house and all the bad parts of being a kid. but i didn't. i sat there and thought about it...and i do love my mother, even though she really pisses me off a lot of the time (which she got right back do doing after this little epiphany) and i didn't want to hurt her by leaving because i don't want to make her cry and everything makes her cry...and i don't want to permanently move out. yet. until i have somewhere else i can stay up all night if i damn well please.

i'm thinking maybe i'll tell her i'm only coming back twice a week though. that's really all i can handle this place right now. tuesday and thursday, for ballet. i already pretty much have moved in with dad. all my clothes are up there, all that's left down here is my old stuff that i don't wear anymore, in piles all over my room with essays from middle school and stuffed animals and books i'll never read again.

that's not entirely true.

but it's getting harder and harder to deal with my mother as she comes unglued. that's the real reason i don't come home. i like the physical realities of the house...i just can't deal with the person living in it. as soon as i walk in the door after being gone for a week she expects me to empty the dishwasher or clean my room and i want to yell dammit mom it's my room i'll clean it if i like. why do you care? and why should i put away dishes i had nothing to do with?? i'd like to do something other that chores around here every once in a while. if i had my way, i'd do my own dishes and laundry and feed a few animals and life would be completely fair and nobody would need to complain. at least she can't bitch about my stuff being all over the house because I"M NOT HOME ENOUGH fOR THAT TO HAPPEN. then again she bitches at me about that so i guess it's not much of an improvement.

i still can't quite believe i said no to moving out.

i even said i'd be coming home more.

what's wrong with me?

so...

niki and i are going out. in case you haven't picked that up yet. there's so much i should be doing right now that i'm not doing and i want to write something but i don't know what. so here i am. blaaaaaaah....i miss niki, and i should call autry, and i hung out with toni yesterday.

oh! rumor is that we can write alix letters soon. yay!

on june 14, 1968, a group of hippies fled into the mountains of colorado to wait for doomsday

i think the last time i heard that song was in evan's car with evan and niki and alana and reid and alana and i were the only sober ones. hehe. yeah...anyway....that song is the kickassest thing ever and is my niki song.

I HATE BLOGGER I GIVE UP BUT AT LEAST BLOGOUT IS BACK. I"VE WRITTEN THIS POST TWICE NOW AND IT KEEPS DISAPPEARING. GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! anyway, niki is gone for three weeks. i am not a druggie., i don't smoke. i know drug dealers. what else did i say?

oh yeah, thanks so much for what you wrote, autry. i miss you.

fuck this keyboard. there would be more here.