on the beach

i saw your boy tonight and i thought about you and him and about how much he must miss you and it made me miss you even more than i did already.

it could be our story, but i know about him.

coming soon

castilleja: the teen movie
drama!
backstabbing!
cheating!
drugs!
alcohol!
rebellion!
airheads!
geeks!
depression!
mental illness!
friendship!

[grumblegrumbletodaysucks]

this morning so far is the fucking worst thing ever - not enough sleep, not enough homework done, not enough caffeine, and one laptop too few at school: mine - in my dad's car - currently attempting retrieval but not too hopeful, which means that by monday my grade one my spanish paper would be at best a c and i really can't afford that right now. chrissy's mad at me, i spent my homework time last night talking to her and i'm sad and lonely and completely burnt out. i feel most a part of the world when i'm overloaded and stressed and tied down by the sheer amounts of work i do and it turns out being present is not good for me.

eight days. eight days. on the eighth day i will wear a sailor suit and sit for hours to get a yearbook and not get any awards [because i never do - comes with the territory of being on the hate list] and then i will be free and well into the summer-of-many-jobs.

i wonder if grant's coming to his sister's graduation - i could use a friendly face.

ever

"ever happened to you?"
"yes, too many times."
the closest to honest i've ever been
and it does what i thought it would.
stop putting words in my mouth
thoughts in my head
stop ascribing actions to me that i never made
and finally, fuck you

sleeping in my memory

watching a sad romantic movie and then getting a panicked phone call do not make my night. i worry.

everybody says it
yeah my troubles are starting to show
everybody says it
but what do they know?

we are so over the rainbow

and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

just a little too much

by seven am i must:
finish watching como agua para chocolate
write a review of the above
write a midrash
read a few books of the bible
study geometric sequences
phys que- oh shit, have just now realized phys book is in locker. tomorrow, free.

during two free periods tomorrow:
math test
phys questions
finish website

look like an allnighter to you? yeah that's what i thought.

i'm losing a lot of sleep
and it's just a little too much
so i drown it all in alcohol and fix it up with your touch

a note from last weekend - vodka and coke tastes really good, but i still don't like what alcohol does to me.

what did i ever do to deserve this
i save you and this is the thanks i get
you say i broke your heart
smashed it
then stomped on the pieces and i never did that
i never led you on
never gave you any reason to believe
yet you insist on this
what more can i do for you?

don't talk of love

how long can i be the rock?
don't talk of love
or death
or blood
because you distance me you push me away
i can't hear it because i recovered
and i don't want to start again

i should not be simultaneously a reason to die
and a reason to live
i should not have to gauge every reaction
watch you every second
plan every word i say to you
to have the right tone
the right meaning
you say you love me
but what does that mean?
i'm the girl who saved you
but this love is making me break you
and i wouldn't kiss you i would never kiss you
love turns sour and then what?
where are you?
without the one thing holding you together.
i can't keep pretending it's all okay
i can't keep talking you down
i can't force you
coerce you
blackmail you
into giving this up
but please
please god
don't jump

chocolate and incense

"how did my momma get in the toaster?"
"john, not bob."
"it's like wearing a rape me sign. rape me! rape me!"
"oh! joe! joe!"
"...milk and cereal..."
"you can't say dick. it's not romantic."
"pretend it's a penis. you want it inside you!"
"do you want to touch it?"
"stop! go that way!"

[setting: a campfire ring]
hof: look at where you're sitting -
me: i can't see where i'm sitting. i'm sitting on it.
hof: sarcasm will get you killed. as i was saying, pick up any garbage and dirt -
me: dirt? [i lean down, grab a handful of dirt.]
hof: you're going to die.
julia: well, we all are eventually.
hof: but i'm talking about right now, not eighty years from now.