it doesn't generally bother me when people decide not to do things with me. i really don't mind at all. but when people decide to do what they would do with me right next to where i am just because they CAN and then people gravitate toward them, i start to get a little bit annoyed.

sigh.

i really hate school-type drama. will try very hard not to perpetrate any more. but i really really miss the crazy group of people i was hanging out with this summer. they are so awesome and they're NOT HERE. SIGH. i feel so different from everyone else here now for some reason. i miss the feeling of being completely accepted for exactly who i was which everyone saw because no one knew me before i became this person. no one was judging me based on past incarnations. here i feel like all people can see is who i used to be and assume that now i am trying to be something i'm not.

day three and already i hate the environment of this school more than ever.

song about you

so a la everyone else who's done this...

i know - save ferris
rebel yell - billy idol
i want you to want me - letters to cleo
so bored with the usa - the clash

southern girls - bangs
city of angels - the distillers
help - the beatles
into you - bangs
midnight radio - hedwig and the angry inch
april 26, 1992 - sublime
no no no - the gossip
do you wanna dance - the ramones
les and ray - le tigre
eau d'bedroom dancing - le tigre

last night at midnight me sister knocked in my door. i rolled over and groaned.
'iris!'
'whaaaaaat?'
'niki wants to talk to you.'
'what?
'niki wants to talk to you.'
'why?'
'dunno, she seems kinda upset.'
'okay, i'm coming.'
so i crawl out of bed and grab my robe and go stumbling out to my sister's computer where i sit down and persuade niki that no, i'm not mad that she had kit haul me out of bed and completely fail to find out why she was upset. after which we talk for a little while and i find out that rich and j want to give me a job at children's theatre. you could dump a bucket of ice water on my head at three am and then give me that information and i wouldn't even kill you.

once i thought she saw that we were two of a kind. once i thought that was enough. now does she see me at all? i watch the world go by, watch everyone sink and fall without saying a word. am i the only one who understands? i see so much.. march april may june i really thought there was something there. two like minds finally joined. was i hallucinating? imagining things? what went wrong? i don't want to spin out again because i know i'll lose everything. after she left i was fucked up, i cut myself and i didn't eat. i'd never really been like that before. and at the end, i came out stronger. more cynical. i am a new person and that's one thing she gave me. but i still wonder if she sees that i understand. that i am quiet because i am a watcher. i know. sometimes...sometimes...i wish things had turned out differently. i wonder what my life would be like. and the ache is still there. i still miss her. but what i miss is knowing that she knows i'm here. that she takes the time to notice my existence. that she recognizes that i see what she sees. i think about her every day, wondering what she's doing, if she's okay.

the world is such a strange place. so hard to navigate. and i know i can make it if i'm left alone but stupid people have to get in the way and drag me into it with their rules and regulations. they don't understand that without my freedom i will die, trapped in a cold hard world. i don't belong somewhere this rigid. i don't belong here. in more ways than one. i am not invisible but i feel it sometimes. i bump into people because i can't see where i am in relation to them. i rarely build myself into the complete picture i get from being the universal confidante. it's a strange role to play. i know my perception of myself is skewed, that something's wrong in my head, very wrong sometimes, but i am so removed from this world of pain. and numb, i'm still numb. and i don't really mind so much anymore. i wouldn't be who i am, see what i see, create what i create without this. i am not crazy. everyone else is for caring so much about what doesn't matter. i make sense. i am sane. so sane i scare myself sometimes. are we the only ones? i don't know. i want to find someone who understands, who sees all this too.

and still she doesn't see me.

hah reid is funny. very funny. so we're in a thai restaurant:
reid [points at candle]: will they get mad if i light this?
me: nah.
[he lights it]
r: now it's all romantic.
r + me in unison: EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

and we made a funny picture and bought clothes and he is supa cool.

apparently a haircut has pushed me over the line from pretty to hot. i got downtown saturday night and lauren hall [who is being sent to maine in TWO DAYS] looks at me and says 'why are you so HOT?' but i'm going out with niki and lee thought i was hot too and lee and lauren are both awesome and it was just a crazy night. and then some random chick described me as 'the pretty girl.' i'm not used to being noticed. really. and niki had some [erotic] dream [about me] that she won't tell me about. but um whatever. sucks that school has started cuz no more sleepovers, or at least not very often. plus she's grounded for sneaking out.

WHY IS EVERYONE GROUNDED RIGHT NOW???? oh i know...cuz they're all IDIOTS. well, okay, they're not. kevin snuck out and got caught by the cops and then he blacked out so they called an ambulance and drug tested him (he's like me, he doesn't do anything) and called his parents and they got pissed as fuck and grounded him. and then of course niki and rob tell their parents and are TOO DUMB to just lie low for a while and NOT sneak out so they sneak out like two nights later and rob's mom calls his cell cuz she's freaking out cuz it's like two am and he's not in bed so she comes and picks him up in midtown and niki doesn't split fast enough so SHE'S grounded too. except for this weekend, apparently. whatever. she so still is.and i love her soooooo much and want to see her and kiss her and stuff. sigh. tomorrow maybe.

oh and got water teched in the city today and the booth is the size of half a closet, three feet off the ground, have to climb on a swivel stool to get in it and then stand up the whole show. the board is twelve [eleven] channels [one dimmer is broken.] sigh. heheh fun.

night all.