no.

i am NOT a neo-nazi.

and i don't look like one either.

so there.

ouch?

why does my head hurt?

my drug of choice just fucks me over

i really shoudl lay off the caffeine. last night i got to work exhausted as fuck, downed three cups of will's infamously strong coffee, and waited for it to kick in. halfway through the show i was having trouble sitting still. it wasn't just my muscles, those i could more or less control. it was my mind. now normally my mind runs about twice as fast as it should, jumping from topic to topic in some kind of non-drug-induced frenzy and always ending up places i don't want it to end up. but with that much caffeine in my system, it was running about eight times faster than usual and ending up places i REALLY didn't want to end up. which is how halfway through act three i ended up thinking about autry and niki and suicide and erica and bad shit and the cuts on my arm and i was pulling a safety pin out of my pocket and then i was saying no, i won't do that, and then i was thinking about piercings and tattoos and how i half pierced my ear teh other day then decided it was a bad idea because my mum would blow a fuse or two and decide i was seriously unhinged, not that she may nopt think that already, and then i was thinking about lauren hall stuck at school in maine and how much i miss toni and how fucking wonderful the group i hung oiut with all summer is. and how much i really really need to call mo because i miss talking to that girl. and how much i wish i'd been hanging with teh palo alto crown when autry came down cuz i think she would've liked them.

maybe caffeine makes me truthful.

but that doesn't make the workings of my crazed mind any easier to deal with.

so easy

toni showed up at lunch, and afterward i walked off with her to town & country where i ran into reid and found niki (yay) and saw a lot more people i know then i went back to paly and got thrown out of four classes for not having a pass to be on campus. oh wait, i only got kicked out of three. miss slack let me in the algebra i class as long as i didn't sit near reid. that clas was hilarious...everone from blonde ditzes to stoners to eric and reid.


and oh oh oh i miss lauren hall.

telephone phobia

it took all the resolve i had to call her last night, to get over teh tense fear in the pit of my stomach that she'd pick up and i'd babble like an idiot and not know what to say. i hate phones. but i picked it up and punched in teh numbers and she answered on the first ring. 'it's two months today,' i said. 'i know,' she said. i didn't know if she remembered the date. 'i've been so happy all day, running around and telling people it's been two months,' she continued.

a few minutes later i hung up, but right there i knew we had a better chance this time. she didn't remember when one month rolled around, but now at two she knows. for once she's just as committed as i am.

and i'm on top of the fucking world.

blah

i wish my emotions weren't so destructive. all i want to do right now is go to a good show and spend the whole fucking night in the pit beating the crap out of everyone.

sadly, it looks like i'll have to remain in control for another week, at least.

fingers firmly crossed

we're back together. maybe this time it'll work out.

if my life were a monty python sketch

me: i didn't expect insanity.
insanity: nobody expects insanity! my chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear...
me: oh just bigger off already. my sanity's just resting.
insanity: it's deceased! bereft of life! gone to meet its maker!
me: didn't i tell you to bugger off?
insanity: so, how's your girlfriend? nudge nidge wink wink say no more...
me. we broke up. just go away already.
insanity: 'fraid i can't do that. you'll have to fill out form 401c first, and then it'll take about a week to get the repairman 'round...
me: what am i, a bloody appliance?!
insanity: ...or i could just have you kill yourself, that would get them 'round in no time...
me: JUST FUCKING BUGGER OFF!!
announcer: and now for something completely different: a man with three buttocks.