fakin' it

i'm trying to remember how long it's been since i had a day off...i can't remember...i guess since school started. during the last two weeks of summer at least i had weekends off, but now i'm going to school monday-friday and working wednesday-sunday, which leaves me with how many days off? zero. woo hoo. the pressure is closing in and i've been responding to it by actually working...gasp! yeah yeah...

i'm feeling burnt out, torn down, knocked around, drowning in the school and unable to come for air. the wind has been permanently knocked out of me, yet somehow everytime something smacks me down i gat back up, the circles under my eyes a little darker, my stress headache a little wors, and keep on slogging through life.

if only school would go away for a while.

hello darkness my old friend

god damn this essay...i have nothing to say about the bible...

arrrrrrrgh.

faggot

no, they can't do this, they can't take my favoritest gay boy away from me. whyyyy? okay so i know why, and i'm sad he didn't manage to quit...but i'm sad he got caught...and i really really don't want him to get sent away. what will i do without reid-and-iris-in-the-city days? movie nights? lots and lots of popcorn with parmesan cheese? someone to find pussy shirts for me?

siiiiiigh. this can't be happening.

i don't care if he's grounded, we have to get at least one last day in the city if they decide to send him away.

refuge

downtown. with all my crazyass friends. feels more like home than home does.

what used to be the coffee raosting club, makes really good chai, is always quiet and warm and peaceful and makes life seem so much simpler.

my bellydancing class. that's right, i'm taking bellydancing classes. there's something really nice about dancing crazily with a skirt and a veil, attempting to be sexy, and i'm actually kinda good at it.

in general i'm really really at peace with the world right now. ginger ale, chile picante corn nuts, chai, and bellydancing do that to me.

needles and pins

i realized last night that i belong downtown. i felt more at home than i have in weeks. for once i didn't feel strung out or overworked or stressed at all and somehow communicating with the whole downtown crowd is easier than communicating with anyone else.

the rut i'm stuck in is school, which is why i need to get back downtown. i remember now why downtown makes me feel so good.

toni and spencer and erica and i walked to borders where spencer and i dragged toni over into the erotica section...she was bright red...it was really funny...and then we laughed at all the children's books and they ran off while erica and i sat there and talked and laughed in the middle of the children's books.

after we left we ran into nick and this other kid, talked to them, and gabe and japhy were bucket drumming so we hunug around there for a while. i love those guys. then erica realized she was running late so she and i sprinted back to lytton plaza laughng, both of us happier than we'd been in a long time, and apologized to her father. she left, and then everyone else showed up back at the plaza. gabe wandered over and put his arms around me cuz hey, we're a touchy crowd, and said so, what's up? more or less into the back of my shoulder (i think he's shorter than me) and i said i broke up with niki and he kinda laughed and said and found another girl and i said yeah...er...so i found her before i broke up with niki...whatever...and he laughed. gabe is awesomely cool and stuff. and japhy too. japhy has dreads and is awesome. and lee shaved her head but i didn't really get to see her cuz toni and i had to get spencer home by his curfew so we walked the few blocks to his house and then toni and spencer started kissing and i was just like hum de dum, this is really silly...oh and on teh way over toni and i were joking around about all the times i've embarrassed her by making out in front of her and stuff like that...but anyway then toni's dad showed up and dodged cops all through downtown and i got one glimpse of the back of lee's bald head and i really really wanted to actually see her cuz it had been way to long and i want to see her with no hair but we had to get home.

and here i am.

actually pretty happy.

conclusion: erica + downtown = happy.

missing pieces

it's over.

my mother said something yesterday about how i've been so much happier since i decided i was gay. um? hello, mother, you are obviously entirely and completely out of touch wth my life. sure i was depressed in middle school, but since freshman year i have gotten more fucked up than you will ever know. you don't know about the cutting, about what goes on inside my head.

but hey, i guess it's kinda funny that she's that clueless.

i want something to be easy for once. something that i don't have to think about and overanalyze and wonder about for months and months and months.

if i don't talk to you anymore, do you still miss me?

cuz chances are i still miss you.

i'm losing touch with people, losing touch with the world. i'm spinning out over really stupid things, failing to do my homework, staying grounded only because i have to for my life to keep going.

what would happen if i just gave up?