sigh

i want to fall asleep feeling beautiful. i want someone to tell me i am. i want to flirt and seduce and fall and have the other person care just as much. in short...i need a girl. life lately has made me rather cynical. a lot of little things grate on my nerves, like walking down the street and seeing a happy couple...happy marriage...it's not possible...everyone will eventually end up splitting up. nothing is constant or forever. and i hater life for that...but at the same time maybe it would be boring if things were. i really really need someone to kiss and hold and such. or just someone who can look into my eyes and care...just because i don't make a big stink about things doesn't mean my life's all happy and shit...my sister throws tantrums and is a control freak and everyone notices her. i don't want to be noticed for that. but i'm tired of being quiet.

i saw pat tonight. i felt like seducing him or something...because i think maybe i could pull it off...plus he's a really pretty boy. he remembered i still had his bracelet. i didn't think he would. i was wearing my formal dress and a tiara and a feather boa and sneakers and fishnets and randomly ran into him off university.

what's wrong with my life?

wishing and wanting haven't gotten me anywhere. they won't. i need to do something. i need to change, to be something. i need to believe again because my belief in a lot of things has been completely shattered.

dunno what else to say.

melting

kate came back from the airforce. on the day i got a letter from the academy wanting me to go there. dammit...she is as cute as ever. raar. and she can still dance. i'm a little bit melty right now. and she remembers me. specifically. to the point of 'your hair is a different color than last time i saw you.' 'so's yours.' 'right, good point.' and we talked and damn she's hot and a couple of the combinations she was following me because she'd been gone for four years and she and juliet and i were the company contingent from back then...that was my first year...i'm taller than her now...oh my god i just saw kate again. and i overheard her email address. i have it now. shit i sound kinda stalkerish. but man oh man she's worth it...

this has got to be one of the funniest searches i have ever gotten.

i hate bravenet. stupid people. they made my counter ugly.

a beginning

i've had this swirling in my head all day...i probably can't write much now.

you are a shadow, a spirit, a fairy who flitted into my life in passing. were you ever real? you haunt me...i walk through my life and at the oddest times you edge into my consciousness. everything in my life has a memory attached. your smell lingers. i look at pictures and wonder if you are true...or something that can only be captured on camera.

will finish sometime.