spring break is beginning to feel much more real that school. this is what i want my life to be. i've spent most of today and yesterday in the casti theater working on natti's crew to hang oz. i'm learning more now than i learn in school because i'm hanging out and working and i hate the fact that in three days or so (i've lost count) i will be slogging through stupid classes, as stressed as ever. this break might as well have not happened as far as that's concerned. i really hate school. it's so pointless, something i go to and sit through but really gets me nowhere i want to go. english and chem are the only two classes worth going to anymore.

when you stumble on tomorrow and trip over today...

::sigh:: it's been weird. i feel bad yelling at you and fighting with you but at the same time it almost feels good because i feel so much like you're using me sometimes. and that you almost actively try to take people from me. and i know none of this is true but that's how it feels from the inside. like even if i'm the first one they meet i just come along with you. take dustin, for example. that pissed me off irrationally because it feels like i'm not going to have anyopne left when you finish. the first question is always where you are and i bet you ten bucks it's never the other way around.

but i love you. and i want to be there for you and want you there for me but it feels so off. and i feel so incredibly used and i really really hate it.

and i forgive you EVERY FUCKING TIME. that's the worst part. all you have to do is come back to me and i'll take you back. i'm such a pushover.

i hate you for having so much hold over me. i hate myself for being so dependent on you. i care way too much. always.

you won't admit you love me and so how am i ever to know you always tell me perhaps perhaps perhaps a million times i've asked you and then i ask you over again you only answer perhaps perhaps perhaps started playing while i was typing. and i think it kind of applies.

i miss you like crazy. and i'm sorry for everything i've ever done that was blatantly bitchy, but i still meant it. every fucking word. i refuse to take it back cuz really i'm still kinda pissed, despite forgiving you. i don't think i really have. but i'm here if you really need me.

what bothers me most is the whole limit thing. because i definitely do have limits. there is a stopping point and there's a lot i don't do. so it really bothers me when you act like i'm irresponsible and have no fucking limits whatsoever. you know what, rather than tell me that either tell me specifically what bugs you or just plain fuck off. for good. i'm tired of on-off-up-down-friends-not friends-constantly put down for things.

i am not an attention whore. i am not a poser. stop fucking telling me i am. it drives me crazy.

i think that's everything that's bothering me right there. if i think of anything more i'll add it.

i do love you and i want to be your friend, but not at the expense of other friendships and not at the expense of being myself. i know i always say that, but i have my own limits and i will follow them, dammit. end of fucking story. however i will try to pay at least some attention to what makes you uncomfortable, i'm willing to make an effort if you are.

someone found my blog searching 'lindsay tristan fuck porn.' um....the sad part is that every one of those words is currently on my page. hehe.

and dana, the clea duvall thing made my night. woohoo!

fuck it, i'll debug my template later.

::pokes blogger:: whyyyyy?

life is crazy sometimes. last night almost didn't feel real. i was reading toni's blog and i scrolled down the links list and at the bottom was one i didn't know and i followed it cuz i was bored. and it got me to someone's journal and on their friends list was someone i haven't talked to in three years who i know from theatre. funny, no?

so yeah, wave hi to dana.