i've written something i like for the first time in months. maybe i've overcome my writer's blocks. my apologies to the person parts of it are based on.

i want life to be crazy and wild and fun and make sense at least sometimes.

i just remembered something i meant to post on monday before i went to the dentist's: my jaw muscles were sore for no particularly good reason i could think of.

on the train on the way home meredith and chelsea and i crammed three of us and all our luggage into one set of two seats. after meredith had gotten off i was sitting there and listening to 'under pressure' and trying to figure out which instrument i want to play this summer, and as i was doing this i was idly staring out the window and i realized that i had been staring straight into one of the most gorgeous rainbows ever. so i told chelsea to look at it and she did and it was so pretty and then she had to get off but as she was walking away i looked back ou the window and the rainow had become almost a full arc, with a second faint rainbow outside it. i yelled 'chelsea! look at the rainbow. it's gotten bigger.' and everyone else heard and suddenly everyone in the car was leaning up against the windows looking out at it. all around me spontaneous conversations broke out between random strangers. 'look at that!' 'it's beautiful.' 'oh look, it's a double.' 'i've never seen that before...' it was so wonderful. i watched ther ainbow from santa clara to somewhere after tamien, when the last vestiges of it finally dissappeared. the guy in the seat behind me said 'the rainbow's gone' and i said 'yeah, i'd noticed. 'it was there for a long time.' 'yeah.' it was one of those days that really made me wish i'd been carrying a camera.

the peace vigil never happened on friday. autry and toni and erica and i were downtown and we went over to city hall to see if other people would show up, and the only one that did was tristan. so rather than having a five-person peace vigil, we went and got dinner. i told paz this and she grinned and said "i bet tristan enjoyed that' which made me laugh.

i miss autry. it was a crazy weekend and for part of it i was insanely horribly pissed off at her and kit but...it was so much fun and she's cool and i don't get to see her again till summer (if then). friday we hung out in palo alto, saturday we went to san francisco and hung out. reed is such a gay boy...we spent at least an hour on haight while he shopped. renee was our token straight girl. we headed to castro and ate pizza and went porn shop hopping...hey wouldn't let us into a couple of them but reed and autry managed to buy stuff from one without getting carded. one of them had the huge rack of good (not porno) pins so i bought five and four of them are on my backpack...i don't know where 'i have plenty of talent and vision i just don't give a fuck' went. toni is so paranoid...it's really funny. all autry and i had to do to freak her out was say 'poprocks.' saturday autry didnt take her meds and she was being really bitchy sometimes, but hey, the good times made up for all that. we met up with alex at renee's house and hung out. i don't think there have ever been that many nonstraight weird people in renee's room...it was hilarious. her little brother is ADD incarnate and insisted on being a part of everything. we sent him off to get some advil for toni and he came back with a toy spear instead. renee's doors don't have locks so the next time he left we leaned against the two doors and were laughing like crazy as he ran around trying to get in. saturday night toni and autry and i fell asleep kinda tangled together on toni's bed and her mum came in at one point...i don't know how bad that looked. oops. sunday we slept in really late then went to toni's dad's for lunch. autry went into the bathroom and when she came out she said 'iris...' and pointed to her neck...oops...heh...at least it wasn't TOO obvious...then we headed down to my house and autry started flipping out cuz apparently my little sister looks exactly like her exgirlfriend so i got pissed off at both of them and they were in the living room flirting on IM (i assume) although apparently they didn't do anything...thank god... and later we went out to the ten and watched movies and toni by this time had promised to poprock both me and autry...so of course the only people that ended up actually doing so were me and autry. hehe. crazy times. and monday toni's mum almost caught me and autry kissing. oops. it was so sad when they left cuz i don't get to see autry again for a while.

sunday morning i sat down with toni's bass and worked out the intro and tune to 'wicked little town.' hurrah. i'm madly in love with her bass :-).

school is so boring and mundane after this weekend. it really is. some days i hate my life for being so boring and monotonous. fun times are great but they make me realize how flat the rest of my life is.

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i don't want to go to the dentist's

well...i hope toni's mum (if she did see) doesn't tell my mum cuz if she does there goes my chance of going to portland this summer...

i don't want to forget a single good moment of this weekend. ever.

i swear to god i'm going to smack her. i really want to go back to the time when my sister was annoying and not pretty and worried about me stealing her friends. now i feel like the roles have reversed and i'm having to sprint to keep up with her. it bloody pisses me off.

fuck this.

this weekend feels more and more unreal the longer it goes on. i wouldn't believe it if i weren't living it. the odds of eveything that's happened are about a million to one...each. i'm about to cry even though i have no real reason big enough. at all. but i won't cry because i can't. i've lost the ability somehow.

i really want things to work out and not keep getting weirder. i feel like i'm years behind everybody, including my sister, and yet somehow ahead too. it's not real. it's not possible.

and she told be about the lip ring, i knew about it, i'd seen pictures, but that thing's addictive. christ.