these are incredible times

i never really stop self-destructing, i just rechannel it into new outlets. the latest? smoking cloves. yeah, smoking's bad for me, but if i smoke it's because i want to be bad to myself. i'm insane. one minute i'm up the next i'm down i go from hippie coutry girl to mean inner city kid, from straightedge to please pass the booze, i go through periods of seeing things hearing things talking to myself i don't know who or what i am because i am so many different things at once one minute i could be a rockstar - i want the life of drugs and sex and always on the road, slowly driving myself into the ground partying hard and never giving a damn about tomorrow and then i'm working on a lighting design and obsessing about college and the future and i feel too old too young to quiet too loud too masculine too feminine all at once. who am i what am i? i can't keep track. i never fully fit my skin because pieces of me are pulling in every direction - dancer, professional, street kid, hippie, good daughter, rebel, and i want to be everything at once but that's not possible.

spin it

and i arrive home today to discover that my pixies tickets have come in the mail.

i'm going to see the pixies.

holy fuck.

smoking is bad for you, doll.

as lo said, we were the flyest thing ever. we talked our way in the door despite a certain lack of cash and danced the night away. a nalgene bottle refilled several times and a few more cloves that i should have smoked and beautiful kisses during the slow songs. i got home at 1:30 am and found a line of her lipstick below my mouth that i'm not sure if i've managed to entirely wash off. the night was pure magic and we danced and joked and gawked at the amazingly hot girls dancing near us. it came tme for the king and queen to be chosen and some woman came out in the crowd and pulled lo onstage to be a nominee for queen. we drove back listening to ani and allette and as 'two little girls' played we sang to each other because that is and always will be our song. and she held my hand during 'as is' and sang harmony from the back seat and it was an absolutely amazing night.