i can always pass the time writing stupid rhymes, rhymes about you.

portland is one place where the sidewalks don't roll up at night.

palo alto is a town that rolls up the sidewalks by 10pm.

thank you, googlism.

maybe i never get emails because i never send emails.

except for today, that is. today i send emails and still get no emails.

save ferris is playing in san francisco on monday. i'm pissed off for two reasons. 1: it's a school night. 2: 18+ show. damn it all.

damn, i don't know why the picture claims to be broken. it was working last night...anyway, it's a picture of autry.

i ended up not getting in trouble last night somehow. paz, jan, brad, jonathan, caddie and i spent forever in the basement of the admin building talking after the show. jan looked at his watch and realized it was eleven and we all went running upstairs. the booth was locked and everybody was gone, including my father. paz and brad said they'd give me a ride home so we took a scenic tour of the castilleja parking lots to make sure dad wasn't just sleeping in his car somewhere. no dad. so they gave me a ride home and paz walked me to the door to make sure i could get in. right after i got home, dad walked in. turns out he waited at the theater for me to do my postshow duties, then when i didn't he did. haney told him that everyone was gone so he drove off and checked coldstone, university, and denny's to see if he could find us. of course, we were downstairs the whole time. he wasn't mad in the slightest. now if it had been my mother, she would have freaked out and grounded me for life. as it is all i got was a 'next time tell me.' i love my father.

and it was worth it. hanging out with all of them was fucking hilarious. i second jonathan's comment about needing to do such more often. we sat in the basement of the admin building and looked at silly old pictures of castilleja and tried to break into the csa office to do pole dances and came up with silly porn ideas ('neener neener neener, i've got your weiner...') and told embarrassing stories and there was a lot of caddie going 'are you done talking about gross stuff yet?'

unfortunately, my backpack is locked in the booth. all my music. i am music deprived.

i'm almost everything you have ever wanted
i'm almost your best dream come true
we fit so perfectly
i almost can't believe
how i'm almost all i need to be
...
some days i wonder how we walk this line
some days i think i feel your heart in mine
but underneath the surface
love isn't ever perfect
heaven knows so we'll just close that door

i'm confused. there are many things i don't know quite what to do about and many people i need to talk to.

everybody come see wizard of oz. tonight, castilleja, 7:30. ditto next friday and saturday. if you come, visit me in the booth during intermission.

by the shape of your shaved head
i recognized your silhouette
as you walked out of the sun
and sat down
and the sight of your sleepy smile
eclipsed all the other people
as they paused to sneer at the two girls
from out of town
i said look at you this morning
you are by far the cutest
but be careful getting coffee
i think these people want to shoot us
or maybe there's some kind of local competition here
to see who can be the rudest

i found that picture on petra's website and it reminded of that verse of 'little plastic castle.' hurrah.

kat needs the computer. later all.

being back on good terms with one's best friend is one of the best feelings in the world. however, i wonder how ling it's going to last because nothing has really been resolved so i'm not quite sure what's okay and what's not. oh well. we'll work that out later.

exactly an hour and a half till opening night curtain. the show has never once been run stopless. the past two nights i've been madly running about backstage right before the run starts rigging things and switching gels and plugging things in and generally solving problems. it's crazy. there's so much tension stored up in my back right now, i can feel two knots in my neck and two in my back. but i'm insanely happy. this is what i want to be doing.

haha, took a long break there to waltz with kat and carey (seperately, then both at once) and try to remember how to play fur elise and generally dance around. hadn't danced in over a week.

autry: can i call you tomorrow?

i wish...

...i could hold autry's hand.
...i could tell what's on my mind.
...i knew what to do.
...autry would be okay.
...i could cry.
...i would stop feeling like i need to.
...i didn't feel so alone.
...i could help.
...i could realize that i'm really not so alone.
...my parents would give me more freedom.
...my mother would not freak out when she doesn't know where i am.
...you would kiss me. you know who you are.
...you were close.
...someone would hug me and tell me things will be fine.
...that i could be there for you when you need me.
...that i didn't have to sit here and feel helpless to do anything, when all you want is a hand to hold.
...it didn't take something awful to snap me out of my self-centered-ness.
...i could hold your hand. you're the best thing that's ever happened to me and i miss you. and i know i've said that a lot, but i mean it every single fucking time.

i should not be blogging right now. i should be writing the introduction a mi proyecto final de español tres, pero no. i'm blogging instead. hehe. silly teacher who gives us laptops with wireless internet and a supposed work period. she can't tell what i'm doing. spanish is truly a silly class. i swear i'm actually losing speaking ability cuz we get so bogged down in the grammar. damn grammar. anyway, it's a worthless class. we're spending the last six weeks of school writing papers and sewing. not very useful at all...

i hate being back here. this is not where i want to be. it does nothing for me. i'm sick of castilleja and the routine of my life. i'm tired of going to a rich kid school that really does nothing for where i want to go, having two teachers i actually like, and not being able to do something more useful like get a job or volunteer tech for things because of the sheer amount of homework. i know next year is just going to get worse, with ap classes. around this place there's no way not to take aps. it's one of those things everyone does and if you make it out of castilleja without a minimum number of aps taken people think you're the biggest slacker ever or just really dumb. maybe i am the biggest slacker ever but i do not want to devote this much to a place that really gives me nothing. i know where i want to go and what i want to do and it certainly isn't this. some days i wish i could drop out and go to gav or foothill or west valley, cuz then i'd be able to do what i wanted much more than i can now.

i guess i can see why mum won't let me get a job. it's hard enough to keep up with stupid castilleja work without something else going on, but the truth is that a job would force me to be responsible and i would be because it'd be something i'd want to be doing. last week was so perfect. i spent three days in the chapel, working with roxane and natti and ryan and peter, and the best part is that i wasn't just that random kid, i was part of the crew. peter and ryan, the professional techs that natti brought in, recognized that i knew my way around and i knew what i was doing and they came to me when they needed to do stuff like get the genie into the house. and natti had me stringing star strobes abovce the stage and reading distances off the plot. it was wonderful. it was three days of what i want this summer to be. for once i was part of something bigger than school.

and i was a weight-bearing member of the crew. i miss that so much.

fuck this.

see y'all later.