conspiracy

when the universe conspires against me i am a sad sad noodle. no katie lovin' for me tonight. damn the man. the man is vta. damn vta. ugh i feel like shit now. i really dont like when ive been looking forward to something and one thing like a stupid bus schedule foils the last chance i had of carrying out those plans. fuck fuckety fuck fuck shite i hate this.

time to chance back into crap clothes, clean up the apartment, and find something to eat before i have to go watch some crap show my sister's teching. ugh.

tell me baby does the future look black

i should really stop letting the little things get me down like this.

this little girl

to see an email in my inbox. that can make my day. cheer me up. its all better then. and i miss lo but i know shes there. its a month today, a month of me and katie. i called her and i want to see her today but she hasnt called me back. call me dammit. i told her what i wore for halloween and she started spazzing out so i have tonight all planned if she calls. i dug out, washed, and ironed my black pleated skirt. i stole my sisters shoes and makeup. so i have fishnets and heels and a short skirt and dark makeup and an empty apartment and money in my wallet.

call me, bitch.

desnudame

stupid lame-o finals week im kicking its ass what what you say i cant do that? well hah ill show you. i really need to bleach my hair and neil needs to send me my bag because im missing all my music and i dont know anything about english and i hate this week. i think i need to check out for a while. im so sick of being in my stupid head and i want to set something on fire. hmm fire. my lighter died. i think ill have to get a new one. the scars on my arm dont go away and the sanity inside my head is gone and im not as bad as i was after autry left but im still bad still out of it. i want to sleep. fall asleep. dumb uncle woke me up this morning. chrissy called me last night and i dont even remember picking up the phone i dont remember it ringing but it must have because suddenly i was talking to her and i thought it wa slike four in the morning cuz id been asleep then i looked at the clock and id only been asleep for like twenty minutes and it was still nighttime.i fucking hate finals week. i fucking hate being this tired. i fucking hate that i havent seen my beautiful katie in way too long. dumb prep school can go jump off a cliff. bye bye school its been nice knowing ya, but youre just too much. what kind of school has fucking palm tress outside teh fucking cafeteria? oh there once was a man named oedipus rex you may have heard about his odd complex his name appears in freud's index because he loved his mother well you know what? i dont love my mother. she kicked me out of the house the other day then realized i had nowhere to go and she didnt trust me to make it on my own so she unkicked me out which is good i guess except really its not because id rather be kicked out than live with my mother. only good thing about my mother...she says i can get anything pierced as long as i pay for it so i think ima get some piercings finally now that im not afraid of sharp things anymore.

people are stupid.

what marbles i had

why is it that i can only write when ive gone off the deep end again. i am a bungee cord bouncing back and forth from crazy to sane to crazy...you get the idea. i am where i am and i am who i am but where and who is that? i think i know and then i dont and i think im getting better and again i dont and i should give up and live but i cant get past this wall of thoughts this feeling of invisibility and i know ive said it all before and no one wants to hear it.

cut short

please. please call me. i know you'll listen and i want to talk. i was about to tell you and then you signed off. signed off as i sent you the story. the story of why i am fragile. i cant cry. i cant. its become physically impossible and i feel like im going to but i never do so it builds and builds and builds and i want so much to hear your voice, lovely. you called me this morning and your voice made me miss you that much more and now i would give almost anything to see the little flashing light on my phone that means i can talk to you, i can listen, i can get lost in your voice and maybe this pressure behind the eyes, this wide-eyed terrified insomnia will go away. fly away somewhere far away and i wont need to cry so it wont matter that i cant. please oh please call.

one year ago

one year ago i cut for the first time. one year ago toni knew the second i came back to class. one year ago i sat in a tree with caddie singing the scotsman and throwing tinfoil at passing sixth graders. one year ago i threw the box of happiness around the circle. one year ago. one year ago. one year ago.

where am i now?