i'm not sure quite what i want right now. last night we were racing aroung the streets of palo alto blasting music with the windows rolled down and the sunroof open and making carey turn around and yell NOT IN MY CAR! and solsbury hill fit so perfectly and right at that moment, with my fingers and ears freezing off, i couldn't have asked for more. it was beautiful. i love my friends so much. yesterday felt so much like a summer night and i've decided you guys would be awesome to take a roadtrip with. i wish we'd stayed out instead of going to the dance. dances by definition are bad. i think we should start having our own parties instead or something.

and i'm confused. i'm in this crazy reflective, nostalgic mood and i want to put on music (which i know will just send me farther int this) but my father is still asleep, i think, fuck it all.

i should probably say this directly to you but so often i feel like you still think i'm an idiot but then there are times like parts of last night when if anything we're closer and i feel like we're equals. i think i'm stressing out over something i really shouldn't but it bugs me, just slightly. i'm tired of being boring.

'i never could get the hang of thursdays' is kinda my attitude right now. ten points if you know where that's from (and i haven't told you yet).

in dance i was measuring people for costumes and asha and sara were the last two and they wanted to measure themselves. what did they think i was going to do, cop a feel? it amused me greatly. so they tried to measure themselves and failed and eventually turned the tape measure back over to me. they drive me a bit crazy but they're so clueless i can't help laughing sometimes. okay, a lot of the time.

someone found my blog by searching for creative something only i can't figure out what the something is cuz the link got cut off.

would you believe me if i told you i was the sanest person in this place?

one small suggestion: NEVER visit me if you value what shreds of sanity you may have, because they won't last long around here. my mother is in her room in tears, my sister is depressed and hates the world, my father has commitment issues (maybe it's genetic) and that's just the superficial stuff. there's a reason i have to be independent. i can't depend on a single person in my family to be there for me. they're all too wrapped up in their separate problems to pay attention to me. after i got off the phone with you i had 'bridge over troubled water' stuck in my head so i came out and put the record on and i was standing there by the stereo listening and singing along and almost crying, i don't know why, when my mother walks by sobbing and tells me to turn it off. not wanting to aggravate matters, i complied. dammit. i only got to hear half the song.

i haven't cried in at least a month. there's no time. my mother always swore she would never do to me what her mother did to her and require comforting but lately more and more she's been demanding hugs and love and it bugs me. it's like i'm supposed to be somehow responsible. I AM THE FUCKING KID HERE. THIS ISN'T MY JOB. END OF STORY. GOT IT, MOM? i've become numb to the emotional hurricane around here. i just let it blow over me. self-preservation, i swear. all it could do for me is screw me up and stress me out more so i try not to let it get to me.

and you...you rock. i don't think i need to post any vague yous to you on here, but i just wanted to say...i don't know what i wanted to say. if i think of it i'll tell you.

i am so stressed for no reason at all. i'm tense and nervous and have a constant headache and can't sleep and i swear i'm running on pure adrenaline. i hate this. i felt so manic and possessed all day and while ballet got rid of a lot of the tension, it hasn't dealt with the mania. i feel so insane and drugged out. speaking of which...

her: you know who's hot? carl.
me:you know what he smokes? ...pat! (no that is not a typo...i know how to spell 'pot' and i typed 'pat' on purpose).

i am listening to pretty piano-like songs like 'bridge over troubled water' and 'wicked little town' and 'never was' and 'never saw blue like that.' hurrah. and the best part is that it's entirely at the whim of my computer. i think it's telepathic. like 97.3 picks up peter gabriel brain waves from me and carey. that was so funny...like the fact we were both listening on sunday afternoon when they played 'solsbury hill.' yay.

yesterday was such a september twenty-sixth and -seventh. and today...today was...today. i'm not sure what today was yet. but it was sunny and warmish and very springlike and we got in carey's car and drove to town and counrty which makes it a very...what day was that? i've forgotten the dat but i remember the day perfectly. it was the day we invented solsbury bug. today felt a lot like that. it also felt a bit like the day we drove around looking for the tea place and blasting music.

so, toni, was that enough of a post? i bet i could keep writing...

every state line there's a new set of laws
and every police man comes equipped with extented claws
there's a thousand shades of white
and a thousand shades of black
but the same rule always applies
smile pretty and watch your back
--'every state line', ani difranco