if you wanna dance with me

the way this works: abby asked me five questions [which i took forever to answer - sorry]. i answer them honestly. if you want to be questioned, leave a note and i will ask you five questions. then you respond to them and people ask you for questions and so on and so forth.

1. What is the one show you would give anything to tech, and what would you do with it?

rhinoceros by ionesco. i don't know exactly what i would do with it, but i could have a lot of fun with surreal lights and moving shaking sets and somehow putting a rhino onstage. i saw a production where they had doors made out of elasticized material that they pushed rhino masks into and it was the coolest thing ever. it would be so much fun to sit down with the script and go wild designing, especially if i had the budget to do whatever i wanted to.

2. You are stuck on a desert island with one person, one CD, one book and one video or DVD as well as some magical way to play the video and CD. What are they and why?

person: this is another tough one. i'd want to take a lot of people, like toni and lo and portia and katie, but i'm going to choose toni because she is my best friend and when we talk it's really good and i love spending time with her. and she's cool. cd: little plastic castle by ani becuase i think it's my favorite cd ever. and it can be happy or sad and it reminds me of so many people. video: maybe but i'm a cheerleader so i could watch it with toni and we could drool over clea duvall. definitely something funny to keep me entertained on the island. book: the princess bride. do i really need to explain that one?

3. How exactly did you stop being innocent little CTC Iris?

a long chain of events. frosh year i realized i wasn't straight [the mad crush on caddie was a bit of a wakeup call] and i was really sick of being who i was and i didn't like very much because i was always censoring myself so i stopped. and started doing what i wanted to. in march i went to a local show and kissed my first girl, but at that point i was still really innocent little iris. over the summer and sophomore year i kept changing and the mental problems kicked in and i started doing crazier and crazier things. and then there was autry. she changed me a lot in staying and she changed me a lot in leaving. that's when i really started to have problems, but i lived through them. emerged different again. cut my hair. shaved bits of my head. suddenly had a reputation for being a slut/player. that was a strange one. never thought i was cute enough to be a playah. i'm not really sure how i changed but i did.

4. If you could chose to be present at one event that has happened in the past, what would it be and why?

mission control when apollo eleven landed on the moon just because it would be so cool. i have no better reason than that.

5. If you could change whatever you wanted about your life, how would you be living right now?

in a small apartment with a girl and a cat, taking classes and working tech jobs and knowing that i would have someone to come home to and wake up with. it's that simple.

what did they do in gomorrah?

so apparently brian not only looks and acts like graham chapman, he's just as funny. i have had a brilliant couple of days. it's insanely nice to see someone you haven't seen in months [and technically have only met once] but really care about. today i felt pretty. i was loved. toni called me from the booth and said 'you're all over the wrong girl!!!! you shoudl be all over portia, not yael.' and i cracked up. and portia cracked up. and the show was good and gabe makes me laugh so hard and scotty almopst made me cry. yup, you read that right, scotty almost made me cry. me. chick who can't cry. so close to tears. minor family drama but that doesn't matter. and then i got to work and people started complimenting me on my hair [today is hair compliment day. i've gotten everything from 'it's hot' to 'rad hair' to 'i should do that' (last one being luis)] which i found bloody amusing. beautiful gorgeous brilliant night that i wish i could express more eloquently.

zombie jamboree

everyone should come see the show paz and i designed lights for tonight at eight because it's free and at the pear avenue theater and i want you all to come.

tech leaves me burnt out, half asleep, exhausted, and happy. i love the adrenaline rush of solving last-minute problems, the brilliant neatness of a cue sheet, the volume of paper involved, the crisp pages of scripts, the binders full of necessary info, the smells of theater dust and tie line and fresh paint, the hum of a dimmer during warmers, the sound of the go button. i love pulling off a difficult cue that requires me to have at least three hands absolutely perfectly. i love standing on top of a rickety ladder leaning off at a precarious angle with a c-wrench in my hand hanging and focusing a light. i love driving around with paz listening to music and joking about how we should turn this into 'survivor theatre' and debate who should get kicked off first - neva or allison. our cue sheet has notes that say 'all chicks off the island' typed in the margins. i'm never as happy and school never seems as ridiculous as when i'm in tech.

[speaking of school:
in phys class.
cece: i think they're possessed.
mr lynch: ...you know what a possessed pendulum looks like?!?]

so vividly

in the middle of tech week the vivid dream mechanism has kicked in again. had a dream last night that portia lived in amsterdam and i was visiting her and most of the dream was abaout walking around the streets of amsterdam and talking, but i remember something about a kiss and a knife fight.

heart.beat

almost almost out...hour 3988675 has come and gone. and i am ready to rejoin the living. persuaded dirty curls i am sane and wrote some trite crap for the admin. now let me out.

shatter

inhouse suspension, hour two. check blogs, play pinball and minesweeper, start fooling around with memes, sign on to aim and discover that girlfriend [who is off school and could be here today, but nooooo] is online. attempt to write a 'reflection' on trust and community as have been told, then realize they never gave me any directiosn as to what they were looking for [essay? hope not. journal entry? good god.] get as far as 'Reflections reflections. I don’t know what you want me to write. Or write about. I know the basic idea – trust and community – but what about them?'

this is ridiculous.

same rule always applies

inhouse suspension, hour one. listen to lonnie babble on and on in her pathetically annoying voice about how i've broken the trust and she's worried about how people see me [i cracked up. honestly, i couldn't help it.] and how i should sit up straight and look her in the eye because i'm being disrespectful. why don't people admit that hof really runs the school? have been taken to a tiny room so permeated with cleaning fumes my head is starting to spin. buzzing lights giving me a headache and some bizarre still-life of a bunch of bones and a plastic lei on an ugly grey sheet.

away away away

i would like to restate that falling asleep with someone is one of the best things ever.

i would also like to state that i am confused. because i can't figure you out and i have a theory but is it right? i catch your eye i feel your gaze then you turn away, talk to someone, laugh with someone else, and i'm on the fringe. is it because of her?

i have too much love to go around.