i don't care, we'll still be kids forever.

ten years ago: she moved into the neighborhood. met her jumping rope down manfre. she was eight, was...five? six? dunno what month it was.

today: she graduated. she's eighteen. we're still friends. i've known her for over half her life. and i don't know why it feels like graduation is some sort of challenge to our friendship, because it shouldn't be. tonigh was just like any other night, except for the fact that warren was there. the connection to her is still there, i can feel it whenever she's around. i wanted to kiss her tonight, the connectionw as that strong. and i think she felt it too...

but the point of all this is that really we'll never grow up. age doesn't matter. we'll always be kids together.

my eyes keep fuzzing out because...well, okay, being with tara, especially when she's with warren, reminds me of autry. because (a) she's the first person i felt any sort of connection with and (b) i'm lonely.

why is there a sense of worry residing in my brain? i have a feeling something up...and i want to talk to autry right now. because only one thing has ever given me this feeling of worry. i want to be able to dance with her, to spin off into the sky and never look back...um idunno where i'm going with this. um yeah i miss you babe.

hot, unattainable girls in my life: there are way too many. numero uno, autry, is in the wrong state. numero dos, tara, is mostly straight and has a boyfriend. numero tres, jessie, i do not really know and i probably won't have much chance to fix that cuz she's off to peru for most of the summer. um...why do i have this feeling that's not all of them? oh well, those are the important ones.

so, um, tonight. dogpiles, being tickled silly, having her sneak up behind me and wrap me in her cloak and kiss my cheek, kissing her back, accidental boobage contact, and kissing her forehead goodbye. most of it right in front of warren. good thing he's cool with all that.

and i'm making myself a plaid skirt because i'm bored. woohoo.

the more sure of myself i am, the more i can sense about the world around me.

i see myself from the outside and wonder how i got here, this fragile, beautiful shell of what i once was. i don't feel like myself, mostly because i can see what i've become. i am a shadow, walking through life and going through all the motions, so nobody really knows what's happened inside. i fall apart, but nobody ever knows. i've become too good an actress in my life. i think that's why i quit acting onstage, because my whole life is playing a role. and it's time to stop playing that role, to figure out who i really am, to laugh, to cry, to do anything without feeling like it's an act.

i was so close to being dead inside. but i've been coming back...you made it worth living again...or maybe you just showed me how much i was missing. and i want to show you my world, twisted as it may be. i'm going to break out of this, reborn, able to really feel things. i can feel something stirring, deep down, ready to break through the fuzzed out feeling that's taken permanent residence in the front of my brain.

do i know how to stop acting? i guess maybe i'll have to learn.

i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just fucking live my life, even if it feels like my problems aren't going to just solve themselves. because wallowing in them isn't going to help either.

oh, and courtney really isn't one to complain about the lack of emailage since i finally got around to emailing her...and she hasn't responded.

wading through sixty junk mails to find nothing worthwhile gets really old some days.

i was going to call you tonight to see if you were home on your birthday...i should have done it an hour ago when i got home. but i didn't. even though i've called you that late before and i really wanted to talk to you. i could feel you tonight...i kept zoning out and you were there. or maybe i came to you this time. i don't know.

and i think i cried today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUTRY!

shows i want to go to:
-bangs, tonight, eureka. don't think that's happening.
-le tigre, sunday, santa cruz. i wish...i don't know how much tickets are.
-dropkick murphys, monday 6/16, san francisco.
-the huxtables, friday 6/20, campbell. mostly because i've never seen them live.
-the atomic mint show dustin has been talking about.
-warped tour, saturday 7/12. there's a band playing called mad caddies...hehe. plus dropkick murphys and tsunami bomb.

and it looks like i missed my last chance EVER to see save ferris live...because they broke up. recently. fuck fuck fuck.

but...anyone want to go to any of those shows with me?

there are too many people in my head, and they all want different things from my life. i never know which one's in control.

i've been thinking about this, and i don't know if i can do it. i'm really not at all the same person i was a year ago, can i sum up everything that's happened to change me in a nice little list? well...i can try.

sophomore year was the year:
people didn't know i was a blonde
the unattainable became much less so
i went to ashland
i figured out what i want to do with my life
i tried multiple times to reform and failed every time
i mentally screwed myself over
and then spent the rest of the year going from breakdown to breakdown, trying to fix it
i cut for the first time
i became a little less shy
everybody knew me and talked to me
i felt invisible
i met my soulmate
i screwed up some of the best friendships i ever had
i stage managed a show
and became super-techie for all the others
i went to parties
i worked on two professional stage crews
i became somewhat less shy
and a lot more crazy
my mind spun out of control
i retaught myself some of the stuff i once knew how to play on the piano
and i became a completely different person.

i don't know what i want from anyone anymore.

and i think you confuse me most of all. one word from you can make my day, can send me off into the stratosphere for hours, and one day without hearing anything from you can drive me insane. and sure part of the time i'm thinking about you is all ooh happy i love you...but most of the time i worry about you, or wonder what you're up to, or miss you lke crazy. you hide behind this facade of craziness that i see through, you're scared of facing up to what's inside. look, babe...you can't run and hide forever. i tried. maybe sometimes i'm still trying. but at a certain point you have to realize it isn't possible. and it worries me because the longer you don't let anyone in the harder it's going to be to really connect to anyone.

and i know all this because, deep down, you and i are really a lot alike. sometimes you're just a little bit more articulate than i am...but i read what you write and know exactly how it feels. and we're stuck in the same traps inside our minds. maybe that's part of the reason you're the only person i've really connected to lately. but...sometimes i feel the connection go fuzzy, i worry that i'm getting blocked out too. we never talk about anything but fluff, our crazy facades bouncing off each other. and i want to talk about so much more, to see you as you really are because even though i think i know what's there, i can never be sure. but i know there's a lot more than most people see.

and you're the one person i haven't run away from. you make me feel like a real human when we actually talk. over the past few months i've gotten closer to tears, better at dealing with emotions, because you made me actually feel something, even if it sometimes hurts. i wouldn't give that up for anything.

so please don't run from me.