i am a shitty shitty friend. it's not that i try to be...i try to be a good friend a lot of the time but i get so wrapped up in trying to figure out what the hell's going on in my head that things fall by the wayside. talking takes a huge effort, forcing each word out in a voice that sounds like a rusty door hinge. when did my voice start to bother me this much? i just don't want to talk because i hate the way it sounds and i never have anything to say, or if i do i don't until it's too late. my brain hurts so much from being locked within itself. all it wants to do is sleep...and sleep...for a very long time. and never ever wake up again because as soon as i wake up this horrible internal pain and isolation start up again and sometimes i don't pay any attention to them, but the rest of the time they take me over until i become a shadow, a walking shell of a girl who goes through the motions of living her life while trying to find something crazy enough and different enough to shock herself back into life. all i feel is numb and tired and sad.

and i'm sorry if it's affecting you. it really shouldn't at all, but i don't know how to stop it. and i don't want to force myself to talk because i hate it HATE IT HATE IT.

i look at myself and think who am i? i sleep as much as i can, even when i know i'm not tired. i don't work even when i know i should and yet somehow i still pass my classes. i eat because i know i have to, not because i'm particularly hungry, and then after every meal, no matter how good it tasted, i feel sick and like i'm going to throw up. my body is revolting against me, breaking down exactly when i need it to be strong. nothing really matters that much any more. and i feel like an ungrateful wretch because i'm doubting everyone and treating them al llike shit and slowly retreating into my head, which is exactly where i'd rather not be right now.

but i can't get out.