neil really made my day.

but i still live here. she un-kicked-me-out.

it's amazing how a show can go from falling apart to perfectly cohesive in twenty-four hours. you guys rock. i feel rather stage-managerly despite the fact i'm not. i was nearly the last person there, the one who fixed tech problems and talked lighting design with paz and made sure everyone was out and made things work and i felt so responsible. paz wants to pay my father to sit in the audience and laugh.

i think my life is bipolar.

an hour after one of the most miraculous opening nights in history, i've been kicked out of my house.

i got home at 11:30. mum and kit were asleep already. i find out from dad that thompson and mitchey have sent home progress reports (oh joy). mum wakes up and tells me to go to bed. i tell her i have an essay to write. she says fuck you. i don't say anything. i get out of the bathroom and she mentions the progress reports as if i ought to have already known all about them. i tell her neither of my teachers told me they were being sent home. mom: have you started your essay? me: no. mom: well you aren't staying up now to finish it. me: yes i am; i have to. she says fine then, if you're so dead set on being independent, go ahead. [long pause] me (quietly): thank you, mom. her: type quietly. me: no, i'm going to play loud music. [i attempt to get past her, in the process knocking a empty clothes hamper sidways onto her. she screams, loud and piewrcing. i can't take it. i cover my ears and run down the hall. she screams again. i say mom, stop, please. she cuts me off with another scream. i say i can't be the sane one around here. she cuts me off with another scream. i can hear her loudly sobbing. my ears are still covered. my sister wakes up and goes to her. the sobbing continues. eventually she goes into her room. then she comes back out and says she wants me gone by tomorrow. i find the phone and call toni. wake her up (oops). tell her i've been kicked out. just them mum says she wants to talk to me. so i go into her room and she spends fifteen minutes breaking down and crying about how hard this is and then accuses me of being self-centered because of my age. that really pissed me off but i didn't want to say anything because i couldn't take any more screaming. my mother is falling apart. if i'm self-centered, then i'm certainly not the only one. she has eyes only for how hard her life is and how i contribute to that. she can see me only as mini-dad, girl of sarcasm and passive-aggressive behavior. i am sick and tired of being the sanity in this house. my sister is too young, my father is absent, and my mother is falling apart. i am not "dead set" on being indeoendent, i am independent because i can't depend on either parent to get much of anything done.

and i realized something awful tonight: i feel nothing for my mother but pity.

so dad's not moving in on friday as previously planned.

i feel strangely detached from all this. they really aren't a huge part of my life anymore.

so, despite the bad music, i had fun last night. i don't keep in touch with emmalinda nearly enough between summers, so it was nice to have time to talk to her. carl's really interesting if you get him talking (despite his low intellectual self-esteem). mike and ian...poor carey (but it's cute...) (ask her if you don't know what the hell i'm talking about). and then, after i had resigned myself to going home, we got to the car and persuaded my father to let us go to peninsula creamery and stayed there till after midnight. that's when we really got carl talking. salvador dali, drugs, penguins, 1984, ducks...wow. hehe. much fun. then took emmalinda home while listening to good music. got home at 1:40, changed out of tux, gave it to dad, fed dogs, got yelled by mum for not feeding dogs (after i had fed them), slept.

and today i spent three hours on the bus to get to school to do an actorless, no changes allowed tech for earnest. all paz and caitlin and i did was hang/focus two specials (which we couldn't permanently cable in yet) and moove the piano around a lot. then teched the dance show...oh lord. ms haney knows nothing about tech. she really ought to stop trying. she gives me garbled instructions. tells me i can't do things i know i can and vice versa. doesn't understand when i ask her if i can do something to make things easier. it took about fifteen minutes to explain to her that i needed to take home the original cds and make a one-disc master. grar.

but all in all a good two days.

carey, you kick ass. friday was one of the most fun days in a really long time. i am ms hof...my office is acroos campus but when i'm feeling mean i follow students around and give them...uniform violations. we need to have more piano parties. and for all of you who missed it: pbtht. your own damn fault for not being there.

i feel like going to a show. or turning my music up loud. or figuring out wicked little town on the piano. then toni and i could do piano/bass duets.

i don't want to go to bed. i should. i also don't feel like doing chem homework. screw it all.

i apologize to all those who aren't on my quiz yet, it's being a piece of crap and not letting me update. i fart in its general direction. its mother was a hamster and its father smelt of elderberries.

that came up at the creamery last night. led to a description of caddie/toni monty python jousting matches. carl was amused.