sigh

i thought i'd lost the need to feel pain, to see my own blood. but here i am spinning out again. just when i think i'm stable again something happens. comparatively i thi9nk i'm doing okay. but tonight even my director noticed i was depressed, she talked to my father about it...maryah asked me in sign language if i was okay, will tried to cheer me up...i was so out of it all night. i dropped a decanter and spilled water on the stage. josh slipped on it and crashed into a chair. oops. i was a mess, unable to concentrate. i tried writing, but i couldn't even concentrate on that. this is what i wanted, kind of. no more uncertainty. so why am i so sad? i guess maybe i was hoping we could bitch at each other for a little while and then work it out. looks like the answer's definitely no.

i almost want to call maggie up. she'd know she was a rebound girl, but she wouldn't mind. she's a self-proclained player. i know nothing between us could ever be remotely serious, so maybe that's why i want it right now. i need something light, that i don't have to worry about being responsible for. i have her phone number memorized...mo's too...maybe i'll call both of them...i really do want to talk to mo.

fucking hell i'm a mess right now. i hate the fact that cutting has become a substitute for crying.it reconnects me, releases the pain. and as long as i can feel it, i know that i'm okay, that i'm still here, that i'm still real and not just the shadow i feel like.

and i know it's fucked up. and i know i should stop.

but somehow i'm worried about what will happen if i do.

and...

christ i'm on an emotional rollercoaster.

erica's coming home from the psych ward tomorrow.

niki and i...oh god...

maggie wants me.

i need to talk to toni.

popularity

just when i think life can't get stranger...

actually that's a lie. but it sounds good. the phone's been ringing all day. and when people weren't calling me, i was calling them. and having long long conversations with them. except for losers like toni and niki who had to leave.

i haven't talked to niki in too long. i never get to see her. i can't get off campus yet, and she won't get off her butt to come see-

never mind, i think we just broke up.

dancing with myself

why do i feel so alone? it has something to do with being so cut off from the world, with feeling so trapped inside myself that i'm surprised when people notice me. i know i'm not alone. but i live my own life so much, completely unreachable. and i hate my voice. i hate the way it sounds, the stupid things i say. why am i so incoherent?

i think i've given up on explaining most of what goes on inside me. even i don't understand it.but i really want to...i want to know why i feel the way i do, why i leave gaps between me and other people, why i have such a skewed perception of how i interact with the world.

i also think my brain's strung out on caffeine and/or lack of sleep.

which makes very little sense considering how much i've been sleeping. but i never wake up feeling like i've slept.

would anyone notice if i just stopped talking?