big white pickup truck

having really good working relationships with professional designers is wonderful.

we're talking about glass gobos and how expensive they are. i say i'll never have a chance to use them at the pear. she says 'well, if you call me and ask really nicely and promise to take really good care of them, i might lend you one."

teehee.

disconnect

stop me from doing anything stupid.

heaven in your eyes

i know i should be happy with what i have but i'm left wanting more more more more certainty more reassurance more communication. a response. i'm steeped in guitar music and poetry and the beauty in your eyes and i want i wish i hope i pray. i'm so fundamentally insignificant, somehow outdated, not even a blip on the radar yet you saw fit to notice me and i can't just have that i want more.

falling asleep forever. so numb.

my heart is great, but it must break with silence.

it's day of silence today, which really isn't so difficult as i don't talk much to begin with. but it makes me realize that on an ordinary day i talk more than i think i do. the words swirl in my brain and i write some of them down, accidentally say a few, but keep most of them inside me. being silent is easier and harder than one would think. not talking is fairly easy, it's not singing that trips me up. it starts raining and i want to walk in endless circles around campus singing 'both hands' and drinking in the rain but i can't sing.

untouchable face

i've been thinking almost entirely in song lyrics lately. i'm single. i talk but i never say anything. i feel so vapid, so useless. all i want to do is look into your eyes and listen to everything tell you everything and kiss you, a movie kiss. it's hard not to think about you. an email being reread. a song. a beautiful song that makes me shiver and sigh as i try to recreate it recreate her voice recreate you. oxygen is precious. how much do i have left? i'm running out of time out of places out of people. out of life. i want to sleep but that's time wasted time time time time. i want to kiss you. i miss you so much it aches right here. how is this possible? i don't know. everybody's human i'm just less human than most. the bug in the program. i don't understand myself and i don't understand you and i'm aching for something bigger and better and more important than what i'm living now. there's got to be something out there. i'm becoming so disillusioned with this country and this earth and the human race in general. how can we screw up so badly so many times over? i wish thigs were simple and i wish they were harder and i wish i could make myself work a little harder play the game a little longer so i could get out of here but maybe i don't want out. as soon as i find something to stay for i realize i'm almost out of time. is it posible to hate people but love the place associated with them? some things and people are so beautiful. there are certain people who seem to glow on film and i want to make a beautiful black and white movie of them because i know no matter what they were doing they'd look amazing. some people are just like that. it's a chai and warm blanket kind of a day and that's what i want to do with my time. that's what i should have done with my time but it's gone now. i've lost time. where did it go? can i ever find it again?

the finest hour i have seen
is the one that comes between
the edge of night and the break of day
when the darkness rolls away

i want to stay up till dawn drinking chai and talking to you and then watch the sun come up over the hills.