the silence is too thick for my breath to penetrate

i felt like such a groupie last night. is it possible to talk to the bands and not feel like that? i don't know. but it was fun. for the first time i actually met the muckruckers, and they're all kind of asses except doug. he's a lot of fun to hang out with. i don't know who was runing my body, but it wasn't me. i was so into everything, and entirely unashamed. front of the floor, right in front of nick, his mic kept running away so i'd reach out and fix it...even tough i didn't know any of them i wasn't silent. i was actually talking and joking. writing 'i love avril!' on nick's arm and spontaneously hugging him and jumping up and down with alana and laughing at the bands and fooling with doug's water bottle. and then nick sold me their cd for cheaper than it actually is...it made me so happy. and i felt so much a part of everything like i actually mattered and everyone else did too and the bands are just people, really funny people sometimes. and then we got lost trying to get out of ingrid's neighborhood and drove around in circles laughing like idiots.

i think i need to go to more shows. that's the least isolated i've felt in a while.

the flip side is that i got busted. everything came crashing down right after the show. fuck my mother. i really should have hidden the directories and deprogrammed the phone. she hasn't bitched me out yet cuz she's not home. i think i'll be asleep when she is.

she's pissed as hell though, from what i hear/guess. i'm supposed to be cleaning up the house right now.

i feel like an idiot for blowing her trust cuz i have a feeling i'm never going to be allowed to do anything ever again.

fuck.

the bell jar really shouldn't feel as ordinary and sane to me as it does. i know why it does. that bell jar is exactly how i feel, locked within myself and cut off from the world, supposed to be having the time of my life but somehow unable to do so. the longer i stay like this the more likely i am to majorly fuck up my life my doing something really stupid like running away or doing drugs or something cuz i really don't care about the repercussions. all my resolve to be good has dissolved, along with all my ambition. i'm tired of going through the motions of caring and doing what i'm supposed to, especially when it doesn't get me anywhere. all i want to do is not think.

my body confuses me to no end. i've gotten really skinny and gained seven pounds. how does this work? it's so fucked up right now. my body is developing its own eating problems, entirely in spite of my brain. i don't realize how little i eat until i sit down and think about it. and it isn't that drastically small, it's just that usually i'm hungry and i need a lot more. now there's just this constant aching not-quite-there hunger and my mouth gagging on the food. i don't know what's wrong with me at all but the fact that everyone expects me to keep living my life and be good when all this is going on really bothers me. are they that fucking blind? i don't want to come right out and tell them i've gotten fucked up cuz i know they'll all get overworried and clingy and protective and that is the last thing i want. but maybe i could let more things slide if they knew that it's not just willful slacking.

somebody fix my head.

i don't deserve any of my reputations. all the chicks in my class think i'm some kind of genius or something just because i don't have to work to pass most of my classes. the truth? maybe facts just stick in my brain and i have an intuitive understanding of a lot of things, but if i was so fucking smart i wouldn't be failing my classes. i would be doing the work i had to do. i'm not some genius freak of nature or something. i'm no smarter that everyone else. somebody please see just how stupid i can be. where has everyone gotten these ideas that i can kick their physical and mental asses? i'm paying for it with my sanity. it's not worth it at all. i'd rather be not as smart and out of my stupid bubble.

you've become part of the dim life dream that huddles in the back of my mind like it's hiding form an air raid. i see you and me, together. and i want it to be like that. i want you and a cheap apartment in a weird section of town and a funky old car and a job climbing around in the rafters of a theater running wires and such. even if it never comes true i'll always treasure that image, the dream. you will always be in my mind, the beautiful girl of my dreams. you aren't so far away, but it feels like a million miles because i can't be beside you. i never stopped loving you, ever. i just sat and waited patiently and somewhere deep inside of me i believed in you, that you loved me. and i really want us to have a future together, someday. at the show last night i kept thinking of you. there was a guy there with a red plaid buttflap, and even though he was old and ugly and shit it made me think of you and i missed you. sometimes i just lie down and think...and try to get in touch with you again. there yu are, in my head, exactly as i remember you, the words and the voices and your face and the kisses and the good times and the bad times and the phone calls mixed together in my head in this huge mishmash of missing and longing. and it's comforting somehow to know that you're always there in my head when i need you. you're like a book i read over and over again and never get tired of. i love you babe. we have to see each other this summer.