love you more than i love myself

niki just spent over an hour telling me she loved me and trying to win me back. she's obviously really hurting. and i don't know what to do. i really don't want to get back into this even though she apologized and admitted she was wrong and i admitted that i cheated on her. i think it was the best conversation we've ever had. but now i don't know what to do. no one should ever love me that much because i will fuck them up for sure, or at least that's how it feels.

all this is so confusing.

undo everything

i really want to know: is it easy just to walk away?

walking in the rain

i really wish it would rain.

toni kidnapped me to come film something at paly during seventh period and break today and i realized how much better i fit in there. they're all going through things i'm going through, they see the world more or less teh way i see it. niki and i are back on good terms, i can goof off with everyone, and i know them. pretty well in some cases. they seem to be happy enough to see me...and i miss toni so much. i wish...i wish i had off-campus privileges so i could get out of the bubble every so often without worrying about getting busted. not that nto having them stops me. it just makes me ever so slightly more reluctant. but all you paly people, if you have wednesday/friday mornings or thursday afternoons off, let me know. i need to get off the circle for a while.

that being said, when i got back here i had fun with my spanish class. doña wasn't here so brittany and kristin and i did the silly puzzles on the back of alix's lucky charms box. and i realized how genuinely nice most people here are, even if we don't have that much in common. why do they even bother to notice me? they never used to...but somethings's been changing since sometime last year, this slow acknowledgement of my presence, a respect for what i have to say. i have to admit it's nice.

but i still don't feel like i belong here.

if only

two weeks today.

i'll miss you, erica.

fuck this time and place

if i don't get out of here soon i feel like something is going to crush me without anyone noticing, like one day i'll be here with all the pressure pushing down on me and then the next day i'll be gone. if i closed my eyes for long enough i would disappear. do i even need to close my eyes? i sleep to escape this feeling of being stuck in a dead end, running in circles trying to keep up with the frantic pace of everything experimenting with things here and there feeling the buzz of a margarita and a boy's lips on mine, for the sole reason that i can. i used to have self control. where did it go? it's gone, gone with my sanity. i am a space case, a headcase, and no matter how many times i say this it's still true. i'm not really here. am i even someone worth knowing? i'm a stuck up asshole who refuses to believe it's even all true. people tell me i'm pretty and i deny it even as i look in the mirror and think hey, not so bad, so i start flaunting it, using it to get what i want. i skate by in math and science and people tell me i'm smart and i say well i don't think i'm that smart...and then i finish the psat early and am in the 99th percentile again and i say no, it's just an easy test, but i know i can do it so i don't work, i laugh at all the people who i know are smarter than me and take everything so seriously. is it really good to get easy a's? i am so insecure. i think i've found who i am but then i realizethat how i think of myself is totally skewed and self-centered and i always feel self-centered because i'm so busy trying to work out my own life that i can work out anyone else's life. why do you bother? why do you care? why do people like me? i'm not pretty or smart or anything else you say i am. i'm just too good at playing this stupid game, decieving everyone into thinking i'm something i'm not. or is that even true? what am i?

cast party

two margaritas and a seduction.