living with my father feels so much like living alone. i got to the apartment (which turns out to be walking distance from ni's) around 2:30, i think. dad got home at eleven. i feel like i live alone. his apartment is the land of the midgets, everything at ground level because there is no furniture. i set up my stuff, studied a bit, made and ate dinner, washed the dishes, found out what the phone number was...wondered if dad was going to come home. i called my sister at nine and dad had just gotten to the house. whatever. i could be entirely selfsufficient and i like this.

so three things: 1) i am still/once again a bad person, 2) toni had a dream in which i killed neil, 3) i am not spineless.

and autry and erica (and anybody else who hasn't before) need to sign because i'm all paranoid like that.

duuude...life is good right now.

i just took my spanish final. took me thirty-five minutes, then i had to sit there and do nothing until 10:30. grar. or at least i did nothing till i pulled out divine secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood and read that until the period ended.

life may be good but it's rather boring sometimes. i haven't talked to autry in a few days and i don't think i will soon because the only computer travels with my father and he gets home late. fuuuuck. sorry, sweetie, i'll talk to you as soon as i can. i miss you. the pictures are being stupid and not wanting to send, i'll try again thursday when i get home.

i'm drained. i'm no longer so depressed, just apathetic and drained. heh well i guess it's a bit of an improvement...at least i haven't done anything stupid since friday. the scary thing is that i almost have but then stopped myself...scary that i almost did not that i didn't. i don't know why i have this urge...i don't want to, dammit. as long as i still have some control i'm fine.

my mind control is slipping, i can feel it. i'm almost happy. i want to lose control, spin out into the world of crazy. maybe a few months of crazy will make me less confused. i think all my confusion springs from the fact i can't think anything without passing it through my control filter to see whether i should be thinking it. i don't like this.

but my mind lives in a soap opera and if i let it go there's no telling what will happen.

signing off for now...

my bed's going to feel awfully big tonight.

friday really scared me. i never thought i'd do that. i was the most depressed i'd been in a long time and i'm sorry. i never will again.

i think i prefer to think i can handle pain only when it's accidental.

i don't know quite what happened. i sat there and watched myself. i wasn't actually doing anything...but i have the scratch on my hand to prove that i was.

somebody slap me, please.

but the box of happiness pulled me at least part way out and sitting in a tree singing 'the scotsman' loudly did most of the rest...thank you so much. there's still some lingering depression and a shitload of confusion but i'm doing a lot better.

don't let me anywhere near drugs right now, please. i think this llieking teh smell of pot smoke thing is definitely bad. this is the first time in my life i've actually seriously wanted to get high and escape things. i think if there were drugs around right now my i'm-never-going-to-do-drugs-ness would crumble. it really scares me.

i need to stop second-guessing myself. my mind tells me something and i promptly rationalize my way out of whatever it says. and i don't know how to stop. i've been doing it for too long. it's a control thing. i have to have control. i can't control anything else so i have to control my thoughts, but they've started to fight back. i think not being able to reason out of things in my head so easily triggered friday. things have been building for a while and friday i cracked. i hate who i've become with a passion but i don't know who that is and i don't know what i want to be.

i compulsively look at my left hand about every five minutes. disbelief at what i did, i think.

of course the one day i'm horribly depressed has to be the one day i wear the pants i have to hold up with a safety pin. i didn't go to the bathroom intending to cut on myself. i don't know why i ended up doing just that. my hand moved without much mental guidance at all. i just sat there and watched. i didn't think i was capable of hurting myself.

but i'm better now. i think.

just a little bit scared.