I LOVE YOU ALL. only you guys could take a pure crap day and turn it into something wonderful. wednesday was generally awful except for sitting with c4rey, p4z, jian, and k4thryn reading wuthering heights and then the bit when i talked to 1ngrid, but after school my day got infinitely better. BUG! (2...3...4...5...6...7...)

and yesterday was so nice. i felt much more in touch with everyone than i have in a long time and it was so good and riding around palo alto in nausicaa with the sunroof open and all the windows rolled down singing along to the muppets, simon and garfunkel, hedwig...

every one of you means so much to me and i really don't feel like i say that enough. know that always, no matter how distant i am or what i say/do, i love you.

i feel like i'm in a bubble and nobody except ingrid bothers to notice my existence and talk to me. spent a while just now talking to ingrid and it made me feel so much better because ingrid is really cool and i ordinarily don't talk to her as much as i'd like to. dopes it take being depressed to get the two of us talking?

i've been really close to crying all day and i can't figure out why. it's one of those days when nothing seems to go right and everything that had been shakily holding up comes crashing down around me. i'm beginning to truly doubt my sanity. my tech crew is having a collective nervous breakdown and i'm getting dragged into it. being the glue that holds this show together is starting to wear on me and i just want to go aaway, to say 'you're on your own now' but i know if i do that it will fracture into a million tiny pieces and i hate being the one stuck in the middle and i hate having to be responsible for everyone. why do i do this? i think i'm a bit of an emotional masochist....

i can't hold together a show and a family at the same time. my father's moving out for a month (where have i heard that one before?) and suddenly i'm this crazy combination of 7-year-old and adult. i am seven years old because this reminds me so exactly of what happened then. it's a terrifying nightmare, a flashback to a time i have tried to permanently forget. i blame myself for my family's current state. don't give me that 'it's not your fault' shit. this time it really is my fault. i'm the one who woke up mum last monday, got her to go talk to dad. i am the reason dad was pissed off in the first place. mneh. i feel like shit.

i want to go away forever.

well, i've taken down all links to places with direct access to c*rey's blog. good enough for now?

"i don't know if she likes me. what should i do?"
"you don't want my judgement. it's permanently flawed, remember?"
"no it's not!"
"what i would do is corner her and randomly snog her and see what she does."
"::shriek/attack::"
"see? i told you my jugement is shot."
"so does that approach work on anyone?"
"don't get any ideas."

and so we head into hell week. i'll see you all on the other side.