i came to the conclusion the other day that i spend the majority of my time trying to be the anything-est. smartest, strongest, funniest, whatever it is i always want it to be me and i want somebody to say to me 'you're the [something]est person i know' because i think my biggest fear is being just another anything, someone who fades into the crowd. but then when i get that -est recognition, i feel like i don't deserve it. like it's weird for me to actually be something, and to be the best at something, rather than trying for it. and my fear of blending in dictates so many things about my life. i think if i blend in i'll vanish completely. so i run around and am wild and crazy and don't try to hold back anything and then it earns me all these reputations that i don't think i deserve, whether they're good or not, because i am inside my head and can't see myself as other people see me. so it really shocks me when someone thinks i'm cool or interesting or goes out of their way to spend time with me. it shouldn't. and i should stop wishing for things i have, because that's just dumb, and i should stop striving to always be the best because i rarely succeed, and when i do it just bothers me. or i think about it way too much and end up feeling really self-absorbed. am i self-absorbed? if i am it's because i'm trying to work out what goes on in there, how i seem to the outside world. trying to get my body and my mind coordinated, which is nearly impossible to do.

and i've become such an exhibitionist, and a bit of an attention whore. i should really shut up sometimes, even if i end up feeling like a speck of dust. sometimes that's better than always having to get attention.

i swear i have every annoying habit my sister does, right down to the attention whoreishness. i really REALLY do not want to be like her.

and maybe i should sleep because this is making less and less sense.