i don't feel like myself. i've locked myself in an emotion bubble and i look out at the world through its clear walls, watching everyone else go about their everyday lives. whose life am i living? i can't remember now. it doesn't matter, i've been living it for too long. i want so badly to bust out and get really involved with what goes on around me. i think i just analyze things way too much, and am inherently afraid of being hurt. whatever it is, i can' figure out my own reasons for doing anything anymore. it's like someone else is moving my body and i'm watching the movie of my life from the outside as it unfolds, completely improbable.how is it possible to feel this detached from a life that is supposed to be mine? if people left right now i wouldn't feel it. i wouldn't shed a tear. that's not a plea for you to leave, i really don't want you to. simply a commentary on how much i feel like i'm observing from behind glass sometimes.

is this ...wow i lost my train of thought.

but is this the way it's doomed to be? because of one relationship last year, will i always be stuck in this?

and i'm turning into such a self-pitying basketcase despite all my efforts not to. but all i want is to crack my shell and get rid of the headache and the worry and have some fun. and not have to worry about whether i seem pretentious or dumb or stuck-up or standoffish or any of the other ten million things i worry i am.

erblegh.

to lighten the mood a bit...i don't know how funny this really is out of context, but whatever. it was fucking hilarious a few nights ago.
caddie: said girl also being subject of the 'moo, i love you' post?
me: just a bit
me: ::laugh::
caddie: right on.
caddie: i don't know where that moo came from.
me: your subconsciouscow fetish.
caddie: naturally. cos you know i'm so keen on cows.
me: oh yes.
me: oh baby oh baby
caddie: i want them, i need them.
me: we're out of order.
caddie: i know.
caddie: that's ok. we can pretend.