lately i've been alternating between walking on a fucking cloud and feeling like a fool. now is somewhat one of the latter because i have no conversational skills whatsoever, not to mention social skills in general. i say and do stupid things because i don't know what else to do. and i don't have the courage to go out on a limb, to make the first move. i like to think i do. i like to think i could pick up and leave and never look back and go have fun, and maybe i could...i just don't have the courage to try. right now the sky is gorgeously cloudy and for the first time in days i can't really feel you in my head. it's getting harder. what happened? after all you've said...is it turning out to be all me? i have this completely unfounded fear that i'm making a fool of myself, falling for you this way. it feels so beautifully right and some days i think i feel your heart in mine...and then i realize that somehow i've lost you. if i ever go too far...if you ever change your mind...please tell me so i'm not laboring under some misapprehension. i love you. i want to be there for you. but if you don't love me, i could get over it. i don't want you to ever have to say something to keep up some facade, to make me feel good. i want the rain to fall so i can stand in it and get soaking wet and realize that life isn't always all i want it to be, but that it's good and i do have a purpose and a point, much as it feels i could vanish into the woodwork and no one would notice the difference. i have less reason now to feel inconsequential than i ever have before, so why do i feel like it's all some big mistake? and why can i smile and be happy and not let it affect anything when other people say silly things and if anything respect them more for being so wild and crazy, and not let myself make a single mistake? i live in a box that i've been trying to break out of for a while now. i keep thinking i've broken through and then realize i haven't. i want to be free to do what i damn well please.

what i want right now...is to say i love you. there. i said it.