why is it that when i try to follow the rules and do my work i get in ten times as much trouble as i ever did before? hof gave me a work crew for my pants because i wore them again the next morning only until i could find jessie and get the skirt, which makes it so i have four consecutive work crews. i think i'm officially off my two days of euphoric high. right now i either want to cry or beat someone up. and i can't do either. i'm sick of finally trying to be good and follow rules only to find out that apparently that's never what they wanted at all. i don't know what they did want, but it sure as hell isn't what i'm doing now. four work crews. always in trouble. i really want out of here. i'm only stayinig for the people now, i have to run and hide from most of my teachers because i'm in trouble with all of them. i hate my classes. i really don't see the point anymore. why stay?

i think tonight i'm going to talk to my father about getting out. this is getting ridiculous.

i try to get my life organized and succeed (relatively) and no one seems to notice. this is what they've been pestering me to do all year and now that i've joined the mainstream of people with binders who care about work...they still pester me. i swear to god they're fucking blind. do they realize that i just don't care anymore? i feel so helpless and hopeless to do anything and i can feel myself spiralling downward into apathy again, only worse. and this hole isn't even my own. they've dug it for me.

i've changed in two ways. first of all, i've stopped caring at all. i really don't give a fuck anymore. second of all, now that i don't give a fuck i'm actually working (please don't point out the fact that i'm blogging in the middle of spanish class, i just got hof's email while trying to retrieve my spanish paper). it's so counterintuitive. somebody tell me why i'm still here.

errrrrrrgh...despair.

i would run away right now and never look back, but i know i could never leave behind the people i know here and if i stuck around or stayed with you my mother would find me. she would find me if i went anywhere, to anyone i know. she would freak out like there was no tomorrow. it's not like anything would happen to me, but she can't see that. eventually somehow i'd end up going back and right there i would have blown all the trust my parents (especially my father) ever had in me, which is the only this keeping me afloat right now. the fact that i can stay out till 11:30 completely unplanned and miss his ride and not get in trouble is thing that keeps me sane right now.

on the flip side, he doesn't want to let me go to portland for camp. erblegh and mner and meh and all those other despairing, disgusted sounds i feel like making right before i break down crying. i wish. there's too much built up. everything seems larger than life.

i think i'll go pretend to write that paper a little bit more.