people in my life that i had been gotting on with reasonably well now seem to all have fundamental problems with the way i do things, and people i'd lost touch with have started talking to me again. is it time for the world to turn upside down once more? i don't know how that's possible, quite...it's gotten flippe so many times that i'm no longer sure which way is up. half the time my brain tells me it's the floor, the other half the ceiling. haven't the constants in my life changed enough times? everything is so fickle, i can't count on any of it for more than a few months, if that. everything in my life reverses at once, then levels out, and just as i get the hang of the new order of things it flips in a different direction, and i'm left disoriented, sprinting in circles to keep up. everything i've done lately has felt like it's going in circles, getting me nowhere. in my head my brain is spinning, wanting to move forward, to break out of everything it has to do and move on to figuring out what it wants to do. and it feels like no matter how hard i try i never get anyhere in life, am simply left with my wheels spinning, wishing and waiting for things to happen.

one more day in the term. i'm almost done with this crap year, and with any luck by next year i will have some motivation to do something in school, because i really do care about where i end up. and i know i can't live out my dream unless i play by the rules for a few years, at least until i break free.

i know this logically, the trouble is i can't make my brain believe it. i want to break free now.

::sigh:: two years is a long time to wait for freedom. can i keep my dreams intact through another breakdown? because i know this isn't going to be the last. it never is. every so often my brain falls apart and rebuild itself, although this time it seems to be doing a much better job on the former than the latter. all i want to do is sleep. always. i'm living from breakdown to breakdown, and from nap to nap. not a very meaningful existence. being in my head is like a bad dream i can't escape from, while all around me is a beautiful world that i wish i could wake up and fully appreciate.

please slap me. REALLY hard. i need to stop drowning in my thoughts and memories. i live in my memories, rememberign what's happened more than causing new things to happen. and i hate it SO much. stop living in the past, iris.

but am i really iris? i'm not the same girl that was called iris last year, for the whole beginning of my life...i've changed drastically since then, so drastically i'm not quite sure who i am now. vi. it makes more sense to me than my actual name, for some reason. means more to me in some ways. iris is the innocent little girl who died last year...but sometimes i wonder if she really did. sometimes i think i haven't changed, and then other times i realize how much i would appall my old self. so i am vi, iris dead and reincarnated about a million times over since the beginning of freshman year. my entire past is disconnected, like watching a movie that happened to someone else. i can't believe that half of it ever really happened, or that it happened to me. there's some point where the girl in the memories becomes a little closer to me, sometime around last spring, maybe may. and then in the summer, on the last day of conservatory, rob nicknamed me violet. and i like it. it slipped to the back of my mind for a long time, but lately i've though about it more and more and it feels more like me than my real name.

i should stop babbling. later all.