impotent

i hate not being able to do something. i hate staring at a blank sheet of paper with the awful knowledge thta i cant fill it with rows of tiny black numbers and logic my way through the problem. i've gotten too used to being able to jump back in and automatically know what's going on and today when i couldn't i wanted to cry and one goddamn math test shouldn't do this to me. i shouldn't care as much as i seem to about always being smart [the smartest?] it shouldn't affect me this much when i have no idea how to do something but it does, especially because if i'd studied for once in my life i wouldn't have failed that damn test. i flipped off chrissy. i want to punch something stomp on something BREAK SOMETHING cut get out all this frustration but instead i take deep breaths and don't let any of it out. i want to scream but nothing will come out. i'm trapped.